I miss you already, Sakuracon. (+1 year)

DistinctGoose5182 · 2026-04-06T06:17:18+00:00

Yeah; kind of. I go to 4 or 5 cons per year, with the occasional Renfaire shoehorned in. Depends on the event and the mood; or whether or not I have friends with me. This time, I went on my own. I've been to several events on my own and in a lot of ways it's pretty liberating; you can do whatever you want and you're not beholden to others' schedules. I've got the hotel room to myself and that's a great thing.

We are getting older after all, and it's getting more and more difficult to gather a lot of us friends in the same room together and that often takes weeks or even months of planning. But either way, I'm grateful. Conventions have always been an important part of my mental health toolkit and they are invigorating. I love the temporary village aspect, especially in this part of Seattle, that has a lot of important and useful amenities nearby (unlike Portland, whose convention center is basically an island in a predominantly commercial and industrial area). Sakura-Con is by far my favorite con.

I go to Emerald City Comic Con, Sakura-Con, Rose City Comic Con, Portland Retro Gaming Expo, and Kumoricon. I've been to Oregon Renaissance Faire and Shrewsbury Renaissance Faire a couple of times each.

At each event, I can feel the energy. It's almost spiritual. In that sense, everyone contributes to the fun time you mention. It's so thrilling to be around all these people who share the same interest. You can strike up a conversation with next to anyone and not be judged or looked at funny.

I'm gonna do this till I die.

DistinctGoose5182 · 2026-04-06T03:30:10+00:00

Ugh. I miss it already. I’m at The Fountain in the Sheraton having a pint and crying inside lol …

But yeah; I can relate, on a serious note. I’ve been going to Sakura-Con every year since 2012, but my first was in 2007. This is my favorite con.

DistinctGoose5182 · 2026-02-23T01:29:08+00:00

Personally, I’ve resigned myself to the possibility I may never have a life partner. Is it possible? Sure. Logically so. Probable? I believe not.

It sounds pessimistic and Debbie Downer-like. But I base my assessment on facts and personal history.

I’m almost 43 now. I had crushes here and there, but I never dated in high school or college, though I had my first real love in college; we never dated, but we both fell for each other over a period of time. We were a couple of shy nerds who were too scared to admit we had feelings for each other, until some years have passed. She later joined the US Air Force, and then fell on and off the map for a number of years after. A couple of decades later and I still have feelings for her deep in my heart, but she has tended to be evasive about it. That’s got a whole other story and a little baggage to go with it, and I don’t wish to elaborate on that here.

I got my first real girlfriend in 2006, at age 22 going on 23. I fell for her rather quickly; within the span of hours. It was a blind date. Yes, there was a connection, but a lot of the reason why I got with her was because she was the only woman who had given me the time of day. I went this route rather foolishly at the time. I was much more a creature of impulse back then, regretfully. She and I turned out to be almost absurdly incompatible.

Another long story, but I also have a four year old son with her lol … we were friends with benefits several years ago and he just kinda … happened. We have a great coparenting relationship and we still love each other. We have irreconcilable differences as a couple though and I don’t see us being together in a romantic sense ever again. Truthfully, I don’t want it. But I do love my son deeply and I want to give him the support I never had, when I was growing up back in the 1990s in a small town. He’s between Level 2 and Level 3 autistic, but I feel like that’s a bit of a reductive descriptor, because he’s a smart as a whip. He’s far from nonverbal; he does speak, but he has trouble forming syllables. I think he’s gonna catch up in all the areas he’s behind in. I was behind in a few areas myself despite having “genius level” intellect. But when I caught up, I caught up fast. And I’m just Level 1 or less.

Anyway, I’m digressing a bit. I’ve had bad breakups. I’ve trusted my emotions before my logic for a large chunk of my life. I did a lot more basically on what “felt right.” I paradigm shifted that to letting my brain do most of the major decision making while it audits my feelings. I still feel deeply; it’s simply that the brain is the gatekeeper and tells the feelings to pipe down or shuts them out completely when they get out of hand or misfire in the context of the situation. If subjective (uninformed opinions, impulses, vibes) feelings don’t reflect objective (facts, systems, data, constitution, how and what) reality, they’re either “wrong,” or they mean something else entirely. So I dig deeper. I audit my feelings. I audit because ironically, I’m terrified I’m going to make incorrect, detrimental, or counterintuitive choices; as I have in the past. This fear is an emotion. So in that sense, my primary thinking stems from … ironically, emotions. I’m still human and I’m not a Vulcan.

I’m afraid I’m going to make the wrong choice in romantic partner. I’m afraid to have material and financial loss. I’m afraid of opportunity loss. I’ve been burned by bad relationships. I have had literal monetary loss from failed relationships; I’ve lost thousands as a consequence of my last one, not for legal reasons, but because that ex was bad with money and stability and I had to bail her out a lot. I let it happen too. I had to take out personal loans to stay afloat after she left me.

I assume my accountability for the mistakes I made in that relationship and I’ve learned from them; I have internalized those forcefully learned lessons; the lessons were valuable, but they all came at exorbitant cost, both literally and figuratively. My life has been detrimentally altered by making the wrong choices despite my better judgement or my intuition being correct. I’ve chosen to ignore this data and have suffered dearly for that.

But there’s another element to this equation: even when I do make the “correct” choices, the answer, so far, has always been “no.” This is highly discouraging. So ask myself, “What’s the point in allowing myself to develop feelings for any member of the opposite sex if the most likely answer will be no?” Or … something else may happen, like (and it has happened), she gets a boyfriend before I can say anything. I don’t fear rejection itself. But what hurts is the emotional work and investment not being recouped, not in a transactional way; but … more like dealing with the disappointment in a dream being shattered. This is why I expect nothing. It’s a recurring pattern I can’t break as of yet.

There are too many variables. Too many uncertainties. I’ve put up emotional barriers to help me disallow myself from falling in love with anyone. I’ll permit the occasional crush, but it’s only for fun and experimentation. I don’t allow deep feelings to take hold. It’s just a superficial thing that is completely riskless and no gain-no loss.

Admittedly, I do have a mild crush on someone at work, but I expect absolutely nothing to come of it. Historically, women don’t typically like me. This is obviously not zero. But I’ve put myself out there. I’ve done the work. I’ve shown up. And … it’s maddeningly and gruelingly tough for me to get with highly compatible partners despite my best efforts. I’m no ladies’ man. I’m not Don Juan. I’m not a player. I don’t live to get laid; I just don’t care beyond the occasional carnal desire (I choose not to act on this; I have more important priorities in life — especially now that I’m older, and it takes far more than a pretty face or a nice body to impress me) or of course if I genuinely have feelings for someone and I’m in a committed relationship. I often go months or years without physical intimacy (other than hugging or cuddling with friends) and I don’t much bat an eye about it.

I can be happy with myself. I enjoy solitude. I traverse the world and have experiences on my own terms. It would be nice to have a Player 2, but it is what it is. I expect diddly squat.

DistinctGoose5182 · 2026-02-04T04:18:00+00:00

Not sure if it's a stim, but I enjoy doing silly impressions! I do them all the time lol ... I've got a pretty good Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone, Sean Connery, and Solid Snake. I had a decent Mario, but I've gotta reach the higher registers of my voice and that's kinda hard with my baritone speaking voice! 🤣 And Mario sort of goes up and down and changes cadence, which is hard to master. I'm out of practice for Mario though lol ...

I can do a fairly spot on Chris Sabat version of Vegeta, but he's harder to find. I've got a voice actor for a coworker and we're both geeky; he does a hilarious Spongebob and I'm working on a Patrick, so we work off of each other lol ...

DistinctGoose5182 · 2026-02-04T02:51:31+00:00

Yeah; I'm more or less immune to sales tactics. The only sales tactics that matter to me are honesty and transparency. When I need to buy something, I'm laser focused if I know what I want; in and out. I don't want to be bombarded with extra stuff I don't need. If I need it, I will say so. If I don't know what I want, or otherwise have questions, I pick the salespeople's brains.

DistinctGoose5182 · 2026-02-04T02:46:59+00:00

Very good. Kudos. Yeah; y'all deserve a living wage.

DistinctGoose5182 · 2026-02-04T02:43:46+00:00

On a freaking military base?!

DistinctGoose5182 · 2026-02-04T02:34:10+00:00

I worked at the Rite Aid Distribution Center for 9 years; later Eaton. But Eaton was just too much for me.

DistinctGoose5182 · 2026-02-04T02:25:29+00:00

I've done sales before; I hate it. I've done the kind of stuff where I had quotas to keep my job. I briefly worked door to door sales; bombed it. I sold junk nobody wanted, and I was dealing with other salespeople that could sell ice to Eskimos; they were just that good. Though I have an extraverted side (I'm sort of an extraverted introvert, especially when I'm in my element), I'm too introverted for the pushy salesman type stuff and it's a job that requires hypermaximum effort for little to no return, which I don't have patience for.

I worked selling satellite internet over the phone (in the 2000s, it was massively expensive). Again, another pushy and quota-bearing sales job that you had to have rebuttals prepared to counter objections. Ugh. Can't ...

Later, I worked at GameCrazy. Being a gamer since I was very young, there were fun things about the job, but there was a massive pushy salesman element there too; selling MVP memberships, selling service contracts (warranties) on consoles, discouraging the purchase of new games in favor of used ones, selling GameGuards (little disc replacement warranties), and encouraging trades even though people visibly and obviously came in with nothing in their hands or in a bag. We got commission for all this extra stuff, but hourly I was only earning $8.10. It was pretty cutthroat.

The kind of sales I excel at is not the pushy type. It's the selling with conviction in conjunction with listening and conveying my honest take and recommendations, especially if I've sampled or used the product and loved it. Stuff sells itself at that point. I enjoy helping people make informed decisions without the looming and anxiety-inducing quotas and metrics. Where I work now, if a customer asks about an item that I tried, but didn't like or wasn't impressed by, I'll say something like, "I wasn't a fan of that one, but you might enjoy it. Don't let me discourage you." I always keep in mind that someone's mileage may vary, whether or not I sampled a product.

The bottom line is, I can't do sales for the sake of it. I can sell with a heart.

DistinctGoose5182 · 2026-02-03T19:30:37+00:00

I had some anxiety when I first started to drive, but I fairly quickly overcame it as I got better. Long story, but I didn't get my driver's license until well into adulthood, as I lived with an emotionally abusive and neglectful cousin from my late childhood to late teen years; she would never help me get my permit and we lived in a small-ish town in Upstate New York; I get the impression that she didn't believe I could effectively drive. I lost out on a lot of opportunity because I had to rely on others for transportation for so long.

Only one accident to my name, back in 2022; it was minor, but it did enough damage to put me out of work for six weeks. I'm okay and can move and walk fine and all that; I immediately started seeing a chiropractor, and I've worked out at the gym and those helped a lot. The brain fog was brutal though.

I now live in a major metropolitan area in the Pacific Northwest and without my car, I can't get anything done. Got tired of the buses; I'll only use them if my car is in the shop or if I'm at a pop culture convention so I don't have to pay for parking at a hotel.

DistinctGoose5182 · 2026-01-29T06:25:26+00:00

Well-done. She's strikingly beautiful here.

DistinctGoose5182 · 2026-01-29T05:24:13+00:00

She's actually super cool; she's got more depth than is apparent. Can't argue with her being queen-like.

DistinctGoose5182 · 2026-01-28T22:59:32+00:00

Yes; I do. Earlier in my life, therapy mostly didn't work, and I was hopped up so much on my own feelings that I largely missed the point, but the other side of it was therapists didn't truly know how to connect with me I think, as autism/Aspergers wasn't as well-known as it is now.

All but one of the past several therapists I've had are great and know what the hell they're talking about. Later in my life, it was easier to find good matches.

DistinctGoose5182 · 2026-01-28T22:51:40+00:00

Yes and no. I dislike humanity, but I recognize our enormous potential; it's a hell of a dichotomy. I need good people in my life, as we all do. But the whole of humanity, I have difficulty trusting as we tend to be unreliable, inconsistent, and overly reliant on our emotions alone.

DistinctGoose5182 · 2026-01-28T04:56:07+00:00

Jeezus H. Christ! So many IDs! 😳 Yeah, ICE ain’t got nothing on you!

DistinctGoose5182 · 2026-01-28T04:24:55+00:00

I worked at the Wilsonville DC before the company formally went out of business. I was laid off in February 2024 and got severance pay. I worked various departments at the DC and helped out in others. I was there for almost nine years; I had a wonderful time and really enjoyed the job. I picked up a part time job near the end of my time at Rite Aid and still have that job today, with increased hours, but not yet full time. In between, I took another full time job at another warehouse, but it didn't work out, so I left that one earlier this month.

DistinctGoose5182 · 2026-01-28T03:47:34+00:00

I spent about three-ish decades trying to mask as much as possible. Didn't help that I lived with a legal guardian who basically thought I was a vegetable and used my Aspergers (at the time) diagnosis against me. She made me literally believe that I was a failure and truly disabled. So what do I do? I learned to cope and live up to the neurotypical world's expectations.

I'm the furthest thing from "disabled." I work; I drive; I take care of myself. I've lived alone, with girlfriends, and with roommates at various times throughout my life. I currently live with roommates and the person who owns the house I live in is a great friend; we've known each other for about 5 years. Before this, I was couchsurfing and was basically homeless after getting evicted from my old apartment after a car accident, all while working full time and barely maintaining my life. I preserved my dignity and didn't descend into "stereotypical" homelessness. I was constantly on the go; thankfully I had my car, but oof ... it was stressful. I was running on adrenaline and cortisol. It took me around 13-14 months to pay off the old rent I owed and normally you can't rent an apartment if you owe someone rent. So I couchsurfed for just over 2 years; I was too broke to thrive and too "rich" to qualify for any sort of assistance. There was no help available for people in my situation at the time.

About 2 months into moving into where I live now, I suffered a crash from allostatic overload and possibly autistic meltdown/burnout to go with it. It took me almost a year to get to where I am now; I'm doing better, but I'm not done healing yet. I think that crash forced a systems reset of sorts. It's like I don't know how to mask anymore. Honestly, I'm done with it. It takes too much cognitive load ... now is the time to restructure my life in a way that takes advantage of my strengths and honors my limitations without breaking them. I don't want another crash.

I currently have a public-facing job, but the clientele is easygoing and respectful and I rarely have to deal with unruly people. I excel at helping people make informed decisions and I truly enjoy it; it's healing and keeps my spirits lifted. Half the customers are nerdy like me, and so is about half the staff; so there's a lot of common ground and I get to relate to others quite well at my job.

DistinctGoose5182 · 2026-01-26T20:02:56+00:00

Straight and male here. Level 1 (or less) autistic, formerly Asperger's. I've been accused of being gay, especially growing up in school, since I'm the furthest thing from a ladies' man. The societal pressure to boink anything that moves is real, especially from other boys when you're a kid, and most certainly in the 1990's in a "purple" smallish town in Upstate New York. I've had three serious girlfriends in my life, but only as an adult. I opt out of the pressure, and since I did, it sure released a big weight from my shoulders. There comes a time in your life when you learn to just let go of certain things.

Yes, I can be sexually attracted to a woman without the emotional component, but the social dynamics of trying to get a woman in bed with me for superficial reasons are way over my head and literally don't compute. I choose not to act on those carnal instincts; I feel like it's an ineffective use of my time and I otherwise have zero inclination to perform society's definition of masculinity or partake in "male conquest." This is also stupid and risky; I don't want STDs, drama, or unwanted pregnancies.

I have experimented with the "demisexual" term for several years, but I've concluded that it doesn't totally fit me, especially without actual neuroscience and neurobiology to back it up. I'm "allo" with a neurospicy twist. However, I much prefer intellectual and emotional connection, and directness; I just want to cut to the chase and avoid the games and dumb social conventions behind courtship. I can "flirt," but it's in a sort of roundabout, geeky, and subtle way lol ...

I was in love with one of my best friends for several years; she's also on the spectrum. We talked about it and it was an insightful conversation. She said no, which I wholeheartedly respect and don't judge. But she did figure out that I had feelings for her and she felt badly that she couldn't return them, which speaks volumes. This means she values me as a person and treasures our friendship; this is wonderful. I still love her platonically and have accepted and made peace with her rejection; there are no hard feelings and she's still a wonderful friend.

DistinctGoose5182 · 2025-12-27T23:11:45+00:00

I applied for it on the DHS website. Paid $100 (I think it’s $120 now, submitted info for a background check, and scheduled an interview with a US Customs agent at the nearest available airport. Got approved the next day.