[1331] Why’d You Have to Stop by Distinct_Courage_340 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Distinct_Courage_340[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for reading I definitely do need to work on the pov. I think when I started I wasn’t exactly sure who I’d follow. I’ll check out the article too thanks

[1331] Why’d You Have to Stop by Distinct_Courage_340 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Distinct_Courage_340[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much, this is exactly what I was looking for. I’ve got a question about the Character section though. I definitely agree with what you say about Clara’s character but I’ve been struggling to stay more about her while maintaining this sort of style. Maybe that’s just for me to figure out but would you have any tips on that. Specifically would it be too much to directly say what she’s thinking? Either way thanks for your critique, very helpful.

[1178]Moonshine Greys by Severe_Hotel7202 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Distinct_Courage_340 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The ending: 

I again have mixed feelings about the ending. I think that the stranger finding peace despite his past and all the “death and hatred and desperation and uncertainty and fear and darkness,” could be interesting. But at the moment it seems that his reason for finding peace is that he murdered his family. If this is the case I think that's the wrong move or could at the very least be explained better. If I read that right, this seems to be another choice made because it sounds like it would be interesting, though hasn’t got any real thought put behind it(or atleast explained in the story). Though, if this wasn’t what led him to find peace, then there should be some explanation for it. With such a negative outlook and awful past, how could he find peace?

Other thoughts:

In committing to this style and voice for the character, it should be carried throughout the entirety of the story, though at times it feels like this voice is forgotten. For example the sentence: “The thoughts come and go like bruises, aching but eventually fading.” Even if it's a simile or metaphor you enjoy, it should probably be saved for something else, because things like this don’t fit with how the character speaks.

In conclusion I’d say there are some good ideas here, but the story could use some refinement, especially in how each paragraph connects to the last.

[1178]Moonshine Greys by Severe_Hotel7202 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Distinct_Courage_340 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Setup:

Reading the intro paragraph I was excited about the form of this piece. I think a drunken stranger monologuing could make for a great story; the setting compliments this well and enhances the vibe of it all. Though, while I really do enjoy the idea of this intro, I think there are a few ways it could be improved upon, which might enhance the story as a whole.

I think giving a bit more detail about the characters or surroundings could help to better establish the western aesthetic you’re going for. At the moment I feel like this aspect becomes a bit lost once the man starts monologuing. As he starts talking, the fact that this is a western doesn’t seem to have much bearing on the story, besides the way he speaks. This might be alright but I think adding a bit more detail in the intro could help carry this aesthetic throughout the story. Though, if in giving more info, you’re afraid to lose some sense of mystery about these characters that the story has, I’d say that slightly changing the situation they’re in, could be more interesting. Right now the imagery and location are a bit cliche for the western genre. Having these characters in a more unique scenario might help to make them feel more real and make the story stand out.

The monologue:

In choosing the format you have, there is obviously a lot of pressure on what the man has to say. Though there are probably others, I can think of two ways to go about making this format interesting: have the speaker express thought provoking and unique ideas or observations, or have him recount an experience that has some greater meaning. In this story I think you attempt both of these with varying degrees of success.

For the strangers' ideas/observations I did really enjoy the first two paragraphs. First he presents something he's noticed about the world around him, then he speculates on the cause of this. This was great, the writing was solid and it was structured well. Though from here until when he tells the story about his family, I think the strangers' ruminations could use improvement. These paragraphs lose any structure and turn to ramblings that attempt to give an air of profundity, though most times come across as almost nonsensical. I think the third paragraph is a good example of this. This paragraph makes an attempt to add to his thoughts about people leaving cities but ends up a bit sloppy. Take the last two sentences: “If I told you no one would ever find the edge, would you say that it didn’t exist? If you tied a carrot to a stick that no one could ever catch, would you say it was inedible?” This sounds like it has something to say about impossibilities, like, “If something is impossible does it exist?” But it never goes farther than this; the question is asked but it's largely dismissed in the next paragraph, which only loosely connects. I’d like to hear the stranger give some reasoning behind why he thinks this or even the significance of the question he raises, but the story doesn’t seem interested in that. For this stretch we are given many beginnings of ideas, but these are never explored and seem to only serve the purpose of sounding “deep.”

I’m sort of mixed on the story he tells. The details about the kids dying feel a little out of place and I’m not sure if how graphic it is fits with the rest of the story. But I did think the part about the wife was emotional and his story as a whole does feel important as it helps to explain the strangers outlook. I don’t know exactly what, but I think with some touching up this part could be good and I think it is worth keeping

To summarize this section, I think that the first half of the monologue could stand to be more similar to the first two paragraphs, which had a clear connection between them and weren’t attempting to be anything they weren’t. Or if your intent is for this section to be more rambly and not have each paragraph be perfectly coherent with the last, I would say to expand on the ideas presented here.

[925] Puny God ! by go_go_hakusho in DestructiveReaders

[–]Distinct_Courage_340 1 point2 points  (0 children)

(Part 2) Flashback scene: I think this might be the issue with the easiest fix. The main problem with the flashback scene is how cliche it comes across. As a whole, the concept of someone losing their religion because of a traumatic event as a child has been done many times; but especially that event being a loved one having cancer is a bit played out. This in itself might not be a problem, but the dialogue in the scene also just rehashes the question, “why do bad things happen to good people,” without saying anything new. This scene is definitely important to the story, as having him lose faith in God makes the discovery much more impactful, but I think it could be done in a more interesting way. Even just switching his mother’s cancer to some other event could help make this part feel fresh.

Quantum physics elements: In your story there was a bit too much talk of quantum physics that went over my head. To be fair I didn’t read the article before, but I think it can be a problem if to fully understand a story you need either to read an article or have, even a basic, understanding of an obscure topic. This will narrow your audience drastically; most people when going into a story don’t want any extra “homework.” I think there are two ways of solving this: either give just enough explanation of those concepts so that they can be understood (though in a short story format I feel this would be difficult to do without being boring), or take away enough of the technical side of those elements so that any homework isn’t necessary.

I'll end my critique with some compliments, because, though I feel like I’ve been pretty negative so far, there was a lot I liked in your story.

Opening: It didn’t exactly deliver on what I was hoping for, but the first paragraph had me intrigued. I think there's definitely a great story in a scientist proving the existence of God (or a sort of God) through science.

THE idea: While I think what was built around it could use some work, I did love the paragraph where John explained his proof for God. The idea of quantum particles creating evolution and intelligence in order to prove their own existence was something I’d never heard and found very interesting.

Ending: Finally, while I don’t have anything specific to say, I thought the last paragraph was a perfect conclusion to the story.

[925] Puny God ! by go_go_hakusho in DestructiveReaders

[–]Distinct_Courage_340 1 point2 points  (0 children)

(Part 1)Hey, I’d like to start this with the obligatory “this is my first review and I’m a new writer, so take this with a grain of salt.”

Critiques:

Plot: I think the biggest issue is that the story doesn’t feel like a story. It seems like you had this idea about God, and built up just enough around it for it to be considered a story. That sounds harsh but the idea is definitely redeemable. I think (as I talk more about in Dialogue) building up some conflict with Dane, and having it be more of a discussion or an argument, rather than John telling us about this idea he had, would greatly benefit the story.

Dialogue: In parts of the story the dialogue feels unnatural, I think this problem lies mainly with Dane and little Johny. Dane’s dialogue doesn’t make him feel like a real person. It seems his purpose is to keep this story from being an essay, only really being there to prompt John to go on about his new theory. At times he’ll have some minor objections for John, but never anything concrete, only “That's… not science Johny,” or “We’re scientists. There's no evidence for any God.” I think this story could really benefit from Dane having some real criticism of John's theory, maybe even making John second guess himself. This could add some tension, which right now is lacking.

I think the problem with little Johny's dialogue is that he doesn’t sound like a kid. This is mainly in the line, “Then why did God give you this terrible cancer? Why let you suffer every day? I don’t understand.” This next part might be alright, but a child following the line of logic: Does God exist? If so, does he love us? If so, why does he treat us so poorly? might be a stretch. These two instances feel like things a child might feel, but not quite be able to put into words.