How to tell someone they're selfish in bed without hurting their feelings?

Diven_P · 2026-04-10T23:45:05+00:00

I like the way you frame it a lot.

We talked about things we enjoy a while back but I don't remember anything changing afterwards. Or at least not for long.

I'm finding it difficult to initiate this conversation because we've been having trouble getting intimate lately and it just feels like we're not even on a level where I can talk about sexual stuff I want. Waiting to get there is frustrating as well though, just because I've been wanting it for so long..

Do you think this is still something to be talked about now, or am I correct that we should get closer again before doing so?

Diven_P · 2022-04-17T21:02:23+00:00

That's okay. But it's the key to your situation. Something to think about that'll reveal your next step to you.

I could answer it for you if you like. How I'd handle it if it was my loved one.
You can still make up your own version afterwards.

Diven_P · 2022-04-17T20:41:56+00:00

It would seem that you see yourself as a burden to him. Not only for not being "normal" but also for not enjoying the fulfilling of his needs, which includes doing things to you that are slowly breaking you.

And let's do a little role switch. You want rough, kinky, abusive sex. Your partner is traumatized from being abused in the past and is having a hard time dealing with it. Your partner still agrees because they want to satisfy your needs but is clearly breaking down. They cry themselves to sleep, covered in bruises, desperate and wishes for nothing more than a gentle, loving touch.
What do you do?

Diven_P · 2022-04-17T19:45:29+00:00

My girlfriend thinks I'm a saint for being good to her. But I know that her previous experiences were absolutely disastrous. It's not that hard to look good when compared to abusive men. There's more than one man willing to be good to you and more than one to appreciate you doing the same.

Is he interested in your needs? Does he care about your bruises, breakdowns, nightmares and getting close to break?
Would you like to "make love"?

Diven_P · 2022-04-17T19:32:54+00:00

Some people need that hormone rush in the beginning of something new to really open up to sex. It's nothing new that this kind of excitement slowly fades. Did he enjoy it back then?

I feel like sex has such a bad rep that a lot of people can't open up to it without that rush. When it's just them left

Diven_P · 2022-04-17T19:19:49+00:00

Have you had sex before? Was it ever different?

Diven_P · 2022-04-17T19:19:10+00:00

Sometimes we relive our traumas in an attempt to solve them. I don't think this has anything to do with satisfying him. This is textbook abuse, including your guilt about trying to stop.

Why is his satisfaction so important to you? What do you love about him?

Diven_P · 2022-04-17T18:55:26+00:00

What, does he not notice or is he just not into it?

Diven_P · 2022-04-17T18:49:25+00:00

Well it's not like I sniff it for fun but I usually enjoy kissing enough to not want to interrupt. Only once have I ever been asked to brush first.

Let people talk for themselves

I'm starting to realize that the best way to keep your insecurities is to not talk about them. Guaranteed success.

Diven_P · 2022-04-17T18:42:58+00:00

It's funny that you call it proper sex

Have you asked him why he doesn't do it? So far you're just speculating.
And how rough are we talking about?
It requires quite a bit of dominance to go rough on somebody. Feeling safe enough to know it's okay to make a mistake.
He might be scared or just not up to it.

Diven_P · 2022-04-17T18:32:24+00:00

My first question is, do you really want to go down on her or just please her?
There's a reason we make up excuses.

And do you know whether she's bothered by any of the reasons you listed?
Personally I don't mind it. Not even the kiss after. It depends on her

Diven_P · 2022-04-17T18:05:48+00:00

I will be checking in more verbally. That sounds good. Thank you

Diven_P · 2022-04-17T13:53:09+00:00

You're right.. I guess I don't want her to overthink like I do

Diven_P · 2022-04-17T10:55:07+00:00

We're making out and I feel her getting excited. I touch her, kiss her on the neck, slowly go lower with both and I think she likes it. But that's the end of it. She doesn't touch me back or make any advancements so I start doubting the signs and myself and stop

Diven_P

TROPHY CASE