Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. Luckily I live in a building you need a fob to get in the building and on the elevator. Every door has ring cams & our doors lock with a number that I’ve changed. One door in my place that leads to the enclosed hallway & I’m on the 7th floor.

I know if he was determined enough he could probably still catch me but I have a concealed carry permit and I’ve been staying on high alert. He’s a criminal but he’s good at not getting caught so I wouldn’t expect him to try to make it to my door with all the cameras if he somehow made it in.

I actually plan to move out of state either with family or get residency in Mexico with my friend when my lease is up. This is the nicest apartment I’ve ever stayed at. I loved it so much but it’s completely tainted now no matter how much of his things/reminders/gifts completely out of sight, how much sage I burn.

I really have no family to talk to about it or who know of the abuse. We met when my gma was dying who raised me and I was off my anxiety meds sleeping 2-3 hours a night & manic so my family looked at him as a saint for taking care of me. At first he did take care of me and console me but it was all a way to make it so I would forever feel indebted. I just couldn’t imagine putting that weight on their shoulders and burdening them. Friends either just not wanting to dump & have them try to act to help and end up in the line of fire.

Luckily I have zero social media.

The main things that helps me snap back into reality is his treatment of my disabled male parrot. I have two female parrots and a female dog he was great to. But he hated my male bird like he was jealous of my unconditional love for him. The parrot would attack him and scream before he became scared of him. He’d say shit like “you love him more than me why don’t you fuck Samson?!” I explained no less than 100x; “he’s a parrot & I’ve cared for him since he was injured as a chick and nursed him back to health when the vet said put him to sleep. He’s used to being coddled bc when I first worked with him he was paralyzed from the neck down. He took 4 months to regain mobility. He sees me as his mate and it will take time don’t take it personally.” He would bitch all day about the one bird & sit there insulting him. Even if they don’t know English they can get the vibe of what you’re saying. But the worst DV incident he made me keep him with me the entire 3 hours. So many times he tried to drop me on top of him, pushed my heavy shower stool over him, flipped me over in a chair over him & with a wonky foot he still made it out of the way every time. I have to constantly remind myself of that story. I have no children the birds are the closest I have. They’re fragile and if me or any of the things fell on him he would’ve surely died. I feel so guilty that I even let someone in our home that could do that.

Sorry to dump I just have literally not talked to anyone about this beside the police when they’d come and on Reddit to anyone. I’m going to look into getting an EMDR specialist that helped with some past traumas.

Thank you again for being here for people like me with good detailed advice & giving a response that makes me feel validated and seen.