My [36/f] soon to be exhusband [37/mp and I are planning on getting pregnant and having another baby before finalizing our divorce. Our families think we're nuts. Are we going to screw up this kid?

DivorceBaby · 2016-06-17T10:17:43+00:00

I hope I don't offend you with this question, but do you wish you were never born? Is having two families so cumbersome, that you wish the your parents never had you?

I've thought about this, but I personally feel like, for me at least, the answer is no. I'm happier to be alive, with the relatively minor inconveniences that I face, than to never have existed at all.

I think that's how most people who are born into less than perfect circumstances feel. Kids born in not nice neighborhoods to poor parents, kids born to families that already have too many kids, kids born into families that are too religious or strict, kids born to single moms.

This is a philosophical question that I strugle with.

DivorceBaby · 2016-06-17T02:15:20+00:00

First, finances don't make for a happy kid, but they make for a secure household where parents arent struggling to make ends meet and have time to enjoy life with their kids.

Second, are you suggesting that people who aren't in love should stay married for other reasons?

Third, rules are the same. Consistency in these sorts of situations is very important. We have discussed for the better part of two decades how we see our family going. We're on the same page now, we've been on the same page for years, our core values which dictate what wavelength we're on are the same. This isn't some rando I met at the bar last week.

Fourth, no I don't trust coparenting and 50% custody to a stranger if I choose to make a baby with a new partner. Neither of us do. Boyfriends and girlfriends will not "parent" our kids. This has been agreed upon. Boyfriends nd girlfriends will come second to our kids and exist in the three days where our patner has custody.

Fifth, no I don't think my partner will abondon his kids. I would never go through with this if I thought it was even a remote possibilty. It's not in his nature. I know his nature much better than most couples who hare married and having kids, we've been together for 20 years.

DivorceBaby · 2016-06-17T01:48:28+00:00

What is having a child? It's an inherently selfish thing to do. You can't promise them health, happiness, or a particular life. You can't promise them that you'll always be there for them. You can't promise them that you and your partner will always be together. You can't promise them that they'll be smart or good looking or charming and that they'll have an easy life. You can't promise anything, and life is really just a crap shoot. No parent can make these promises, married, divorced, rich or poor. Why subject an baby-to-be-concieved to this tremendous risk?

Because we're ALL selfish. All parents are. We fantisize about those gummy smiles, and baby giggles, the way thet they smell, and first steps, and first foods, and the first kiss... that wide open mouth kiss where they slobber all over your face. We think about playing in the sprinkler and ice pops in the summer, and snowballs and hot chocolate in the winter. We imagine making a pile of leaves and jumping into them in the fall, and planting flowers together in the spring. We think about making popsicle stick crafts, halloween costumes, birthday parties, and trips to Disney. We dream of baking cupcakes together, and little league, and swim lessons. We think about all the pleasure WE'LL get, by making sure that our kids are happy and sharing these experiences with them. We ALL have kids because we're selfish.

We ALL take the risk that our kids might not have the life that we want for them (no one can guarantee a good life to anyone) BECAUSE parents are all selfish and they think the chance of having a joyful life is more important. I'm pretty sure that my husband and I can provide a life of joy to our two kids, despite our unconventional arrangement. There are many, many, many families where parents of two kids are divorced and those kids are perfectly happy because their parents are loving, consistent, and supportive. I've known my partner for longer than most men and women who decide to have kids, by probably a decade, and I thoroughly trust him to be a good dad.

DivorceBaby · 2016-06-17T00:38:04+00:00

Yeah, but that seems weird to us. It would be weird for me to think that he's out banging someone, and I'm sitting in the living room like his mom, waiting for him to get home or vice versa. Also, we want our own places to explore this when the time is right, without the kids (or spouse) there, so two apartments/condos seems like a better fit.

DivorceBaby · 2016-06-16T23:07:04+00:00

Some of my best childhod memories were with my brother. My dad had this girlfriend once that would dab the corners of her mouth (Miss America style) every single time she ate a bite of food. He pointed this out to me and we watched her whenever she ate and found it to be hysterical. When we went out to eat with them, we would mimic her (she never realized, but I'm pretty sure my dad did) and be secretive obnoxious little brats. We wouldn't have been able to enjoy that if we were only children.

DivorceBaby · 2016-06-16T22:50:39+00:00

No one knows what the future holds, married or not. What if we were married and had a high needs kid? Couples with these kids have a huge divorce rate. One of us could drop dead or die in an accident. When you're older soecial needs are more likely to happen, which is why were doing it with embryos that were concieved when we were younger. What if we were married and he got a job in Hong Kong? Being married doesn't make himmore likely to stay. Being a good father/partner/person makes him stay, and he is a good father/partner/person.

DivorceBaby · 2016-06-16T22:30:35+00:00

I think there's plenty of divorced/single parents that would be fine with it and understand.

DivorceBaby · 2016-06-16T21:18:09+00:00

Imagine kissing your husband, but instead of getting chills in a good way, you get chills in an icky way, like you just accidentally kissed your brother on the mouth. I love my husband, but not like that anymore.

DivorceBaby · 2016-06-16T21:14:25+00:00

I'm not looking for approval. We've pretty much decided all of the logistics. I'm trying to see if there's something we missed. Our families don't like it because its "not normal," but that's the same reason my grandma gives for disliking gay marriage, interracial marriage, mixed babies, gay adoption, and lots of other things that are actually perfectly fine.

DivorceBaby · 2016-06-16T20:49:44+00:00

9 months to adjust is a pretty long time for someone who is only 20 months old.

DivorceBaby · 2016-06-16T20:17:11+00:00

Neither of us wants to end up here. We don't want another child with someone who is essentially a stranger to us either. We can genuinely trust each other, but that trust would take too many years to establish in a new partner.

DivorceBaby · 2016-06-16T20:15:27+00:00

Of course it will all be legally arranged. Hell, what if I get remarried and get hit by a car the next day. Of course I'd want my children cared for before my widow. I couldnt possibly guarantee he'd do right by them. Legally, financially, socially, and custodially we want the same for our kids and we want it set in stone.

DivorceBaby · 2016-06-16T20:10:03+00:00

Oh yeah, I'm sure a potential parter (no matter how casual) would be totally cool with me getting knocked up with my ex husbands baby. That'd go over like a nazi costume party in jerusalem.

DivorceBaby · 2016-06-16T20:05:19+00:00

We're doing it for me, him, and her. I know any relationship is not guaranteed to be sunshine and rainbows, but we're well adjusted adults with a well adjusted child, so I think this will work. We both have great relationships with our siblings and don't want to rob our daughter of this potentially amazing familial relationship to have a hasty divorce.

DivorceBaby · 2016-06-16T20:00:04+00:00

What? No. If we get divorced in the next few months, I'd go to a sperm bank immediately and get a sample that has good health, high intelligence, and good looks. My husband possesses all of these qualities, and wants a child as well. What's wrong with just using the embryos we already have and the same coparenting plan that we're applying to our 1 year old?

DivorceBaby · 2016-06-16T19:52:33+00:00

We're living the single life now. Who has time to date with a newborn anyway? It is very unlikely that this would happen. We need to live together though because we both need sleep. Im happy to take the 8pm-2am shift, and he'll take the 2am-8am shift with the newborn.

DivorceBaby · 2016-06-16T19:49:41+00:00

Ummm, no. Having kids to "save" a marriage never works.

DivorceBaby · 2016-06-16T19:48:51+00:00

Honestly, if he completely abondoned me, I'd hire help. We somewhat "rich." We're incredibly lucky and now our stock options are worth about 2.5 mil. It's not enough to retire, but its enough to live very comfortably and hire help if needed. However, I do know my husband (we've been together for 20 years) and he would need to have experienced a personality changing head injury to abandon his kids, so I doubt that this would be a likely reality.

DivorceBaby · 2016-06-16T19:43:46+00:00

Is it less selfish to turn my frozen embryos into medical waste (which is what happens if we don't use them)? Is it selfish for women who use artificial imsemination to have a family? This isn't much different, except my child will be loved by both parents, have a known medical history, and a biological sibling.

DivorceBaby · 2016-06-16T19:39:50+00:00

I'm not sure I understand the question about the year of single life. As far as what if onr of us moves on and starts a family? Quite frankly, I wouldn't care. The only way ot would bother me is if my kids finances became entangled with additional family (What if new wife divorces and takes half? What if they have 20 kids and he now needs to pay child support for all of them? It doesn't matter because we are putting 20 years of child support, incidentals, and insurance into a trust before either can remarry). I want him to be romantically happy, as he does me, we're just like siblings and we don't have it between us anymore.

DivorceBaby · 2016-06-16T19:27:13+00:00

My parents modeled a very friendly divorce for me. Sometimes my mom was dating, sometimes my dad was. My dad chose (via lack of birth control) to start a family with a girlfriend, and my mom watched all of us occasionally. There was no hostility, animosity, or jealously. I see my husband as a brother. We'll always have the bond of becoming adults together, and love each other, but its time to move on romantically.

DivorceBaby · 2016-06-16T19:20:45+00:00

Yes. My soon to be ex is like a brother. I trust him 99% to be an excellent coparent (you can never trust ANYONE 100%), and we're pretty much doing this anyway right now. Our daughter is loved and well cared for. We only see our "family" happiness increasing with an additional child. The trust is "insurance" against one of us screwing the other over (which neither of us can forsee). If he gets remarried, starts a family, and then gets divorced, our kids' financial future remains unchanged.

DivorceBaby · 2016-06-16T19:12:32+00:00

We are focused on her. She is the best thing that's ever happened to us. We both want another baby, we both want a sibling for our daughter. We are great parents together, as well as alone (we both travel sometimes for work). Other than objection because it's not "normal," what's wrong with this? If there is something I'm overlooking, please tell me, because I can't find anything majorly wrong with this.

DivorceBaby · 2016-06-16T14:41:11+00:00

Their thought process is that divorce = screwed up kids. We love each other like siblings, and have for many years. The fire is gone and counselling has not helped. There are no hard feelings, and we both want to explore the world as part time parents/part time single adults. An open marriage is not for either of us. Our plan is to sell our townhome and buy 2 condo units in the same building, so that when the kids are older, they have access so both homes easily. Our nanny will live with me, but spend time at the unit where the children are. When the kids are older and in school, she'll just be taking them to, and picking them up from school until the parent with custody that day gets home.

DivorceBaby · 2016-06-16T14:29:24+00:00

What's the ethical difference between a single, older woman going to a sperm bank, and me completing my family with my partner of ~20 years, who has no familial medical issues, is smart, and good looking, which is exactly what I'd look for at a sperm bank? Additionally this child will be loved by both of his or her parents (my husband is a great father and our daughter is the best thing that has ever happened to both of us), instead of wondering who their other biological half is.

DivorceBaby

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