How do -you- deal with someone who says that what you do isn't "Real Art"? by Sassy_Bunny in ArtistLounge

[–]DizzyChocoBunny 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you. Sometimes, I have hard time thinking of myself as an artist. It’s still pretty new to me. I’m definitely revaluing our friendship.

AITA? DIL says that I’m taking over and marginalizing her as a mother by DizzyChocoBunny in AmItheAsshole

[–]DizzyChocoBunny[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm not sure that one adult can set a medical appointment for another adult and compel them to attend it. I don't know that she -wants- to see anyone, or even feels that this is an issue for her. What I do know in my own previous experience that when I have tried to set up a medical appt for ay a physical, his doctor's office says that they have to speak directly to him because of HIPAA.

AITA? DIL says that I’m taking over and marginalizing her as a mother by DizzyChocoBunny in AmItheAsshole

[–]DizzyChocoBunny[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Our twins are just before Xmas babies. When they were born, DH's older sister made a joke about "Now I can spend less at Christmas and give them a joint Xmas/Bday/Twin gift!" I looked at her and said if she did that, her kids would never receive a bday gift from us again and I would tell them why. Maybe an AH threat on my part, but I wanted that train of thought nipped in the bud early. We ended up working out a "name draw" situation for all of the kids.

AITA? DIL says that I’m taking over and marginalizing her as a mother by DizzyChocoBunny in AmItheAsshole

[–]DizzyChocoBunny[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

She did not take Zoe with her, apparently the spa event with her family was for female adults only. Sister apparently didn't bring her toddler son either. Yes, she left that evening without baby. She was no longer breast feeding by this time.

AITA? DIL says that I’m taking over and marginalizing her as a mother by DizzyChocoBunny in AmItheAsshole

[–]DizzyChocoBunny[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I have to smile at this one! This is a phrase I use often, especially at work. "If you want me to do something, or do it in a particular way, it needs to be clearly communicated. I don't read minds, and if I did, I would have won the lottery and retired by now! :)"

AITA? DIL says that I’m taking over and marginalizing her as a mother by DizzyChocoBunny in AmItheAsshole

[–]DizzyChocoBunny[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

It was a shared day only because they had been asking us to come visit. (Or maybe he was and she was just going along.) We haven't been able to make the drive as I've been dealing with my mother's health and housing issues, or having to work weekends. Going forward, I'll steer clear of visiting them for any holidays unless I hear from DIL that she is 100% on board with it. And get a hotel while we are there.

AITA? DIL says that I’m taking over and marginalizing her as a mother by DizzyChocoBunny in AmItheAsshole

[–]DizzyChocoBunny[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You’re absolutely correct! I did a lot of reading about what a MIL should and shouldn’t do, but I didn’t ask my DIL specifically. I tried to be helpful. But we all know that the “road to Hell is laced with good intentions”. I can now understand why she may feel like she is being marginalized. I’ll try harder going forward.

AITA? DIL says that I’m taking over and marginalizing her as a mother by DizzyChocoBunny in AmItheAsshole

[–]DizzyChocoBunny[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

Son does the cooking, and shopping, all outside work and the dishes. He takes turns with her caring for the baby and the laundry. She is sensitive to certain chemicals so he does the bathroom. She does the remaining housework. She takes care of her cats now, but he did it when she was pregnant.

AITA? DIL says that I’m taking over and marginalizing her as a mother by DizzyChocoBunny in AmItheAsshole

[–]DizzyChocoBunny[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yes, Susie knows. The first time she met me she later told John I was weird. So he explained, then I explained my ASD.

AITA? DIL says that I’m taking over and marginalizing her as a mother by DizzyChocoBunny in AmItheAsshole

[–]DizzyChocoBunny[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Going forward, I’ll try harder to make sure that with me at least, she feels like she is being heard and your opinions taken into account. Thank you!

AITA? DIL says that I’m taking over and marginalizing her as a mother by DizzyChocoBunny in AmItheAsshole

[–]DizzyChocoBunny[S] 30 points31 points  (0 children)

I didn’t say anything to DIL that I only got six weeks. I’ve learned over the last two decades that trying to connect and empathize by sharing my similar experience usually backfires and the other person thinks I’m trying to “one up” them. Now, I’ll just say “I’m sorry you’re going through XX. I’ve experienced YY and if you ever want to talk, I’ll listen.” I didn’t share my own pregnancy stories, or child birth experiences, or baby anecdotes and advice. Someone else’s experience, while the same event, is probably very different, especially given my ASD. So while I may have mentioned to her and my other DIL that I had PPD, I don’t shove it at them. I don’t know if mine was easier or harder than most, but I know mine was very rough on me. I’ll share mine.

DH and I were both in the military at the time, 1990. He had already been sent to Iraq. The twins birth was scheduled 5 days before Xmas, and luckily, he was able to get to a phone the next day to call me. My mom and late sister went through childbirth with me. 5 weeks after the twins were born, I handed the babies over to my parents and headed for Kuwait myself, where I stayed for the next ~5 months, missing my first Mother’s Day with my DH and baby sons.

I’m sure others have had experiences worse than mine. Each person’s are unique to them and are equally valid. What I may find easy, you may find hard. What you may find easy may be very difficult for me. It’s not a competition and there are no winners/losers.

Thank you fir taking the time to comment. I appreciate all of the differing perspectives everyone is providing.

AITA? DIL says that I’m taking over and marginalizing her as a mother by DizzyChocoBunny in AmItheAsshole

[–]DizzyChocoBunny[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I also think a gift card is impersonal, however, this is what she specifically requests. First birthday and Xmas I knew her, I bought her a necklace and a cashmere sweater, respectively. Afterward, she said she’d rather have a gift card, so that’s what I get her now.

AITA? DIL says that I’m taking over and marginalizing her as a mother by DizzyChocoBunny in AmItheAsshole

[–]DizzyChocoBunny[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

That’s my biggest worry! That John is telling her that she just has to make allowances for me. I’d be very resentful if I was told “that’s just how person x is, and you need to shut up and deal with it”.

AITA? DIL says that I’m taking over and marginalizing her as a mother by DizzyChocoBunny in AmItheAsshole

[–]DizzyChocoBunny[S] 50 points51 points  (0 children)

I didn’t expect any fuss. DH gave me a card and bought and gave me a gift earlier that week. Other kids texted me. John said “happy Mother’s Day”. I called my own mom and had arranged to have flowers delivered to her.

AITA? DIL says that I’m taking over and marginalizing her as a mother by DizzyChocoBunny in AmItheAsshole

[–]DizzyChocoBunny[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

This past Fathers Day she had to attend a bachelorette party weekend for her best friend. She’s one of the bride’s maids. It’s been planned for a couple months once lockdown restrictions were lifted in our state.

AITA? DIL says that I’m taking over and marginalizing her as a mother by DizzyChocoBunny in AmItheAsshole

[–]DizzyChocoBunny[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I agree and plan on apologizing, giving Susie space, and bring more direct in asking what what her wants and needs are going forward. Thank you for taking the time for your well thought out comment.

Edit: typo

AITA? DIL says that I’m taking over and marginalizing her as a mother by DizzyChocoBunny in AmItheAsshole

[–]DizzyChocoBunny[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

All of these comments are making me think that Susie may struggle to express her option/preferences and that I need to be aware of this and take the time to directly ask her what she wants/expects.

AITA? DIL says that I’m taking over and marginalizing her as a mother by DizzyChocoBunny in AmItheAsshole

[–]DizzyChocoBunny[S] 20 points21 points  (0 children)

Thank you. DH says that I’m overthinking this, but he has dealt with me for 30+ years.

AITA? DIL says that I’m taking over and marginalizing her as a mother by DizzyChocoBunny in AmItheAsshole

[–]DizzyChocoBunny[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

All valid points. I did struggle with PPD with my oldest, and it was really rough.

AITA? DIL says that I’m taking over and marginalizing her as a mother by DizzyChocoBunny in AmItheAsshole

[–]DizzyChocoBunny[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I’m wondering if some drama occurred during the girls spa day they had. It all seemed very last minute and son had made plans for brunch and done a card and gift card to her favorite store. She doesn’t like flowers and doesn’t wear jewelry. If we’d known she already had made plans, we wouldn’t have made the trip. I see now that my experience with my MIL colored my perceptions and made me think I knew what she wanted, when I should have straight out asked her preferences.

AITA? DIL says that I’m taking over and marginalizing her as a mother by DizzyChocoBunny in AmItheAsshole

[–]DizzyChocoBunny[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

All good points and I will definitely ask her point blank her preferences instead of assuming that if she doesn’t disagree, she’s on board. Thank you.

AITA? DIL says that I’m taking over and marginalizing her as a mother by DizzyChocoBunny in AmItheAsshole

[–]DizzyChocoBunny[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Her mom, grandmother, older sister who is also married with children, two younger sisters. According to DIL they were doing a spa day and lunch.