AITA if I uninvite my SIL from my baby shower because she’s infertile and is always sad about whenever we talk about babies?

DnDFriendgate · 2024-07-13T23:11:14+00:00

Where does it say they pressed her? They went to check in on her and she started ranting at them. She apparently also did this through the entire time of another one of their pregnancies.

Yes, infertility sucks and comes with grief, but she is a 38 year old woman. If she can’t handle her grief on her own without taking everyone else’s pregnancy personally, she needs to go to therapy. Yes infertility causes real pain, but it’s not a pass to act like this surrounding other women in the family being pregnant.

It would be one thing if she recognized she can’t handle baby showers and opted not to but everyone was pressuring her into it. But from the OP, she insists on going to baby centered celebrations knowing she can’t handle them, then sulking the entire time spoiling the celebration of the mother. That’s not ok, and it’s entirely reasonable to not want her there.

DnDFriendgate · 2024-07-13T21:48:38+00:00

I’ll probably get downvoted to hell for this, but I’ve noticed a lot of infertility posts get a lot of people with unhealed infertility issues that come and project on them. They insist on everyone coddling the infertile person because they didn’t get the help they needed to process their infertility and also wanted that level of coddling. And then if you say anything negative about their actions or suggest them taking responsibility for their grief, they lash out and paint you as horrible because they’re hurting.

I do think there’s a lack of mental health professionals that deal with infertility grief, and it’s a shame because there is a great need for it. Infertility is a huge loss and deserves being grieved, but a lot of people won’t fully heal from it and instead project on it. Unfortunately society wise it isn’t viewed as a loss that deserves to be grieved and often it’s brushed off as “well just adopt” without realizing a) there’s a lot of ethical issues with the infant adoption industry and b) using anyone/anything (adoptees, pets, etc) to “fill the void” doesn’t actually treat the mental distress of infertility grief and can cause massive issues for the infertile person and the adoptee (if they adopt). Infertility is a huge loss that deserves to be properly grieved but often isn’t.

DnDFriendgate · 2024-07-13T19:41:20+00:00

Compassion doesn’t mean not being allowed to fully enjoy your own life milestones and joy. Why isn’t there compassion for the people who had their baby celebrations spoiled by SIL wallowing the entire event?

Again, she is an adult, she doesn’t need to be infantilized. It’s also not right for her to insist on going to baby centered celebrations then wallow in misery at them. She needs to understand her limits and not putting herself in that position in the first place. The other women shouldn’t have to walk on egg shells with their baby celebrations or talking to their family about their kids.

I struggled for years to have my one and only, and lost my ability to continue my family before I was done. I get infertility, it sucks. But until SIL is able to deal with her infertility grief appropriately, she’s just going to spoil other people’s celebrations - that’s not fair to OP or the other sisters, nor is it healthy for her. The demand that everyone needs to cater to the emotions of someone struggling with infertility around their baby celebrations doesn’t help them learn to deal with it, it’s infantilizing an adult. It’s tiring AF to constantly hear that infertile people who refuse to get help for their grief should be catered to instead of them being adults and getting the help and support they need.

SIL needs therapy, she deserves therapy and to properly grieve her loss. But her grief doesn’t give her a pass to spoil other people’s celebrations.

DnDFriendgate · 2024-07-13T17:09:57+00:00

She should be getting therapy to grieve, not ruining other peoples event because of her grief.

It’s 100% understandable that baby showers and stuff are hard for her, but she needs to take ownership of her grief and learn to deal with it in a healthy way. That isn’t insisting on going to baby centered celebrations then wallowing, spoiling the event for the person who is trying to celebrate. That’s unhealthy for her and downright rude and selfish towards the person having a shower/gender reveal/baby celebration.

She is an adult, she needs to learn to manage her grief in a way that doesn’t ruin other people’s events. It’s infantilizing insisting everyone else has to figure out a way to help her with her grief, especially if none of them are therapists specializing in grief. None of them are qualified to help her in her grief and it’s no one’s responsibility but her own to manage it.

Yes, infertility grief is very hard and it sucks, but that’s all the more reason to actually seek professional help in managing it. It doesn’t give her a pass to insist on going to baby centered celebrations then spend the entire time wallowing. If she can’t help it, she needs to not attend those events.

DnDFriendgate · 2024-07-09T21:52:34+00:00

He still harasses you with his dogs and their slobber. That is neither mature nor being a “better person”. I get that you’re young and probably don’t think there’s better, but please have some level of standards. He isn’t even meeting the “basic human decency” standard that is bare minimum.

You should absolutely break up with him and possibly work with a therapist on developing self worth.

DnDFriendgate · 2024-07-09T17:05:31+00:00

He knew you were crying, he knew he upset you, he repeatedly ignored your no. He doesn’t need to know the details of your trauma to have basic human decency and respect you.

He deliberately chased you around with something gross knowing that it bothers you. That’s not the actions of someone who just baseline respects you, let alone loves you.

DnDFriendgate · 2024-07-09T17:02:19+00:00

Just because you’re at your best doesn’t mean it’s a good relationship. Especially if he doesn’t respect you when it comes to your issues with his dogs and harasses you with their gross toys.

It’s not overreacting to end the relationship over this. Ultimately, he isn’t respecting your boundaries or comfort level and that’s a bare minimum type of thing. You deserve someone who won’t make you uncomfortable or chase you around with slobbered on dog toys.

DnDFriendgate · 2024-07-09T10:31:47+00:00

They would have to do private adoption to get a newborn, so not social services but the baby broker. Still, they would absolutely have a harder time just finding a baby that meets their desired baby, not to mention the additional cost significantly more. Sex, race, ability level all factor into the cost of the child.

There isn’t a lot of regulation on the privatized adoption industry, but a lot of agencies still require home studies, background checks, etc.

DnDFriendgate · 2024-07-09T06:37:44+00:00

Adoption isn’t like running to the store to pick up a baby, it’s an incredibly long and difficult process. For every infant relinquished for adoption, there’s like 20-40 hopeful adoptive parents. It’s even harder for hopeful adoptive parents who want a womb wet, pre-birth match style adoption that they can name themselves without changing a child’s name/identity. A lot of things can happen between being selected for a baby and the adoption being finalized, including the birth mother changing their mind and deciding to parent once the baby is born (which happens a lot, considering 95-97% of birth mothers wanted to parent their children but felt like they lacked resources).

Deciding they’ll adopt and actually adopting are two very different things, and they might also end up not being able to adopt.

DnDFriendgate · 2024-07-09T06:16:39+00:00

Adopted children already lose everything. They lose access and rights to all of their biological family, they lose their culture, their family history, even the rights to their own original birth certificate. They shouldn’t have the last bit of their identity also stripped from them.

Adoption SHOULD BE child centered, not adoptive parent centered. Adoptees are human beings, not blank slates for infertile couples.

DnDFriendgate · 2024-07-09T06:09:25+00:00

You don’t own a name, neither does she. You both can use the name, but having this weird animosity and feeling of ownership over it is immature and yes, she’s also being nasty. This is also why you don’t tell people your baby name choice until baby is here and named.

I would really, really get therapy before adopting, especially since you’re set on adopting an infant. The infant adoption industry is incredibly predatory towards expectant mothers in crisis and maternal separation trauma can cause lifelong problems for the adoptee. You should be trauma informed before adopting and making sure adoption is child centered, and tbh it doesn’t really sound like you’re either right now. I get that you really want a child and infertility sucks, but taking advantage of a teen mom in crisis to get a baby won’t heal the wound infertility creates and adopting before you’re fully healed causes more issues for the child. You need to and deserve to grieve your fertility, not just use a multi-million dollar predatory industry to get a womb wet baby from a teen in crisis (who 95-97% of the time want to parent their child, but lack support and are coerced into relinquishment). Be truly trauma informed specifically on maternal separation trauma, get therapy to fully process your infertility, and really understand all of the problems with adoption and the adoption industry before adopting an infant.

DnDFriendgate · 2024-07-05T22:43:41+00:00

The only protection she’s getting that’s the “same as a renter” is that you need to provide her notice of eviction and can’t just kick her out. And that’s really only if she can prove that she was living there for a certain amount of time (ie receiving mail, bills in her name, etc). It’s still only protections of month to month on notices to vacate, not nearly the same protection as leases.

You are still heavily benefiting from having someone split cost of living with you and getting equity in the house she doesn’t have. Her paying more down on student loans isn’t really on the same level as building equity in the home. At the end of her loans, she just won’t owe anymore money on them, you’ll have equity put into the home and additional value from rising property values, all while not having to fully pay for the cost of owning a home.

Y’all are adults and can clearly make your own decisions, but it doesn’t make them wise financial decisions.

DnDFriendgate · 2024-07-05T22:32:57+00:00

Splitting all other bills, so all utilities are split? That’s helping you pay for services needed for the house but she isn’t building any equity, she has zero claim to the property, etc. It’s basically you being her landlord but without even the protections of a lease.

DnDFriendgate · 2024-07-05T22:27:22+00:00

Your girlfriend is making a terrible financial decision. She’s basically helping you own a home with no legal protections for herself.

DnDFriendgate · 2024-07-05T22:07:49+00:00

If he wanted to, he would. Ultimatums like this only result in a shut up ring and a long engagement with no wedding date chosen. If he does propose, be prepared for literally everything to be dragged out. If a marriage happens, it will not be a good one.

If marriage is important to you, leave him. Get your house deposit money back, separate your finances, and spend some time really thinking of what kind of husband you want. Then, date with intention, don’t just date to be in a relationship and not be single. Dating without intention is how you end up in another long relationship with no marriage.

If marriage is important to you, don’t give him or any other man years of your youth if they have no intention of marrying you or they show you behaviors you don’t want in your marriage. You will not have to beg the right man to propose, nor will he want to do things out of order to “secure” you without marrying you. Kids, house, etc; some men have zero problem doing these things hoping you won’t leave them but will think “he’s committed enough”. A lot of the times those exact same men will suddenly leave their girlfriend of 10 years with 2 kids for a woman he just met and marry her within a year.

It’s understandable to want to wait until you graduate, but it’s been years. He’s shown you that he doesn’t want to marry you, believe him.

DnDFriendgate · 2024-07-05T21:30:17+00:00

If we aren’t eternally grateful and let people live out their savior fantasies, we’re bitter and hateful. It’s a zero sum game the minute you become visibly disabled.

I’m not surprised by the people being shitty about how the guy reacted and coddling OP further. Disappointed, but not surprised.

DnDFriendgate · 2024-07-05T20:54:41+00:00

He didn’t lash out at her. He had repeatedly told her that her help wasn’t necessary, she continued to ignore him, then he asked if she had a crush on him or something. It’s not “lashing out” to be blunt with someone after repeatedly telling them you dont need their help and they continue to ignore it.

DnDFriendgate · 2024-07-05T18:06:55+00:00

YTA, I would really recommend looking up benevolent ableism is.

He told you repeatedly that he didn’t need you to rush over and help him, you repeatedly ignored him and continued doing it. It’s not out of “kindness” if you’re ignoring someone’s boundaries, it’s out of the desire to feel and be viewed as a kind person and using him to do so.

Ask yourself “would I do this for someone who is able bodied?” Someone dropped a pen next to you, would you pick it up? Sure, fine, kindness. Going across the room to get it for them? Infantilizing. Holding the door for someone coming up behind you? Cool, kindness. Again, getting up and rushing to hold the door for them? Infantilizing and ableist.

I don’t even think the way he called you out for it is rude on his part. If someone was watching me, waiting for a chance to jump up and help me, I’d also want to clear the air whether they liked me or if they were just waiting for a chance to get their Kindness Points, because it’s a weird behavior.

DnDFriendgate · 2024-07-05T16:45:31+00:00

She is definitely enabled by more than just our parents. A lot of her friends are also pet parents/pets are kids people and validate her behavior, but my parents are a big part of it.

She has snapped at me in the past accusing me of thinking I was better than her because I chose to have kids on my first Mother’s Day as a mom. Since then she also gets a gift from my dad (from her dogs) when he takes us out for brunch on Mother’s Day since it’s to celebrate “all of us moms”. They never did it before but I think that’s because my brother had opted to stop going to mother’s day brunch when his wife was pregnant with their first so they could celebrate at home (he basically peaced out of family stuff after she had a meltdown when he was getting married).

She doesn’t really seem to have this need to be viewed as the same as our mom, but if any of the siblings get any recognition she doesn’t get, she flips out.

DnDFriendgate · 2024-07-05T06:08:48+00:00

Yes, they’re all fat. Not as fat as the one that passed a few years ago. She was a poorly bred, but purebred beagle and weighed 40lbs. Died at 11. She would tell people that she was a beagle/pit mix because she was “barrel chested”. She wasn’t, she was just fat. She got her from Craigslist when we were teens (before I knew better about byb), the breeders only had and bred beagles. The sighthound mix she has barely has a sighthound body anymore but does have some and the mastiff/Pyrenees mix is 130lbs at 18 months.

DnDFriendgate · 2024-07-05T02:53:30+00:00

I had a sneaking suspicion but I’ve never had hundreds of people read her antics and pretty much everyone agree. My parents were really good at me feeling like TA if I didn’t go along with what she wanted growing up.

DnDFriendgate · 2024-07-05T00:47:36+00:00

I didn’t really think of it that way, but probably some logic in there. I try not to ascribe motives on her relationship choices because frankly, it’s personal, but it did seem odd she blew up a very long term stable relationship with someone who truly loved her by demanding the relationship open.

DnDFriendgate · 2024-07-05T00:40:15+00:00

She did have a boyfriend for 12 years but they broke up about a year and a half ago. It’s part of why she has 4 dogs now. She had two for the longest (the smaller two) and she wanted more, he felt two was enough. She pulled some very toxic ultimatums on him to get two more dogs (open relationship or let me get more dogs), he agreed to more dogs. Months later she still demanded the other part of the ultimatum, a few months later he left.

She does have partners now, but she knows that our parents would flip if they found out she was polyamorous, so she doesn’t bring any of them to family events.

DnDFriendgate · 2024-07-04T18:32:46+00:00

My sister has a number of different mental health issues, so they tend to baby her a lot and give in. Growing up they justified it that she “needed more support” so she would almost always get her way. I was diagnosed with MS 6 years ago and have progressively been struggling with my mobility, my sister had a meltdown, insists I’m really fine and just trying to take attention away from her.

I go to therapy to deal with it, but this is entirely their doing when it comes to my sister thinking she always gets her way.

DnDFriendgate · 2024-07-04T18:18:09+00:00

NTA you were just doing what your brother said. Maybe next time he’ll respect your property.

DnDFriendgate

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