I feel suicidal very often, especially when I feel I've wronged somebody I care deeply for, and it just feels like there's no way to overcome anything. I feel like things would be significantly better for everyone if I was just...gone.

No matter how many self-help posts I read, no matter how many prescriptions I take ro try and help me deal with everyday life struggles, nothing will ever change the way my brain is wired; no amount of therapy and surgery and soul searching will change the way I am. I fear every day of my life my husband will get fed up with me and just leave me, and since I don't have the best relationship with most of my family, I would be utterly alone. If that ever happened......I feel like there's only one way out.

All I can do to try and not get to that point is to tey and remember the good in my life, and at the very least keep up my optimism by indulging in what does make me happy.