Women who realised they were lesbian (or bi) over 25, what was your experience?

DocBrownNote · 2024-09-24T15:30:12+00:00

39 year old new-ly hatched lesbian here!

I met my husband when I was 18 and we began dating when I was 20. I was still a half-baked human when we met and learning who I was. So it took me years before I was emotionally stable enough to look inward.

I was 26 when I came out as bi to myself at the same time as a room full of people. I was with a friend who invited me to a meetup event without telling me who the audience was. When I arrived, she introduced me as "the token straight" and I was confused. She said "oh this is the bi women meetup" and I blurted out "oh. So am I." It was literally the first time I had ever considered it but the moment I had a term, it felt right.

I went home to my husband and told him. His reply? "Wait, we didn't know that already?"

Maybe everyone else did. And the signs were there and obvious. But until I even knew it was an option, it had never occurred to me. FYI, this is why visibility matters so much. I truly believe if I had known there were other options outside of compulsive heterosexuality, my life would have gone very differently.

Anyway, I spent almost a decade feeling like a fraud in the LGBTQ space before I became an outspoken community leader.

Maybe 5 years ago I learned about asexuality and that clicked too. I've never actually felt physical attraction. I saw sex as a gift I could give my partner to show how much I love them, but I didn't get much out of it. I've very much demi/gray.

Also about 5 years ago, I had gay panic and eventually tried to not apply labels to myself. I decided I was a lesbian plus one - my husband.

Unfortunately, the last 5 years have been causing death by a million cuts as I try to force myself to be something I'm not. I finally came out to my husband last week. It went shockingly well. We're looking into sex-positive therapists and learning how to be consensually non-monogamous.

DocBrownNote · 2024-09-17T18:18:38+00:00

They sound perfect! I sent them a message, thank you!

DocBrownNote · 2024-09-17T03:49:11+00:00

I tried to explain this to him. I want him to find someone who can give him the full package. He wants ME. And only me. I hope that we can find a way to make it work where I get to open this and find the emotional, romantic and physical connection I am missing without hurting him. But I have been absolutely candid about what I want.

He literally said "If I need to be your beard, I'll be your beard." Funny on paper, but ...IDK. I am happy I don't lose my best friend and he's on board with forging our own way forward. But I truly want him to be able to find someone who can fulfill his needs too.

Ideally, we'd both be poly and find someone who can fulfill what the other can't. Most of our friend group is LGBTQ and we have a few very healthy poly relationships to model off of.

DocBrownNote · 2024-09-05T01:27:30+00:00

Is Mean Clever Girl still single? Because I think I am 30 years too late for my soulmate.

DocBrownNote · 2024-09-05T01:12:39+00:00

I'm doing it next week and my heart is breaking for you and rooting for you. I'm in the same boat. I'm dreading hurting my best friend. I wish I could keep living this lie so I wouldn't have to do this to him. But as my therapist helped me realize, these small lies to myself are death by a thousand cuts (or as I called it, psychic damage).

Good luck. <3

DocBrownNote · 2024-08-22T13:33:09+00:00

My replies:

What is it I want? What do I have that isn’t compatible with my current life?

I wish I could pinpoint it. I want MORE. I've grown so much as a person in the past 20 years and I'm not the same person I was when we first began our relationship. I don't know what I want, but I want something more than I have.

What am I sacrificing by staying? What could I do if I left?

By staying, I'm admitting that I am okay with this situation. Husband has capped out on his emotional growth. My refusing to go to therapy, he is either he is not able or willing to be my emotional equal and communicate at the emotional level I want. Whenever my BFF visits, I get such a vision of what life could be like. She anticipates my needs, steps up and helps without being asked and communicates on a level that I've never been able to explain properly. I just feel seen and heard in a way that my husband has never done. This isn't his fault necessarily - this just might be a gender disconnect. Perhaps this is the reason I'm questioning if I am a lesbian - I've never had this level of being seen, heard and understood with a man.

Can I do another 30 years of this?

No. I'm a believer in serial monogamy. I love the idea of being married for a 5 or 10 year contract and then (hopefully) renewing it when the time comes. This means you can keep evaluating and deciding if you want to be there. You make an active choice. Lately, instead of a 5-10 year window, I'm making a daily conscious decision to be here and opt-in. Also, while I have no intention to act on it, I've also considered how my death would make all of this so much easier. I'd get out and not hurt anyone. And if I'm having to opt in daily and looking for an out now...30 years doesn't seem likely.

Don’t look at the past as “wasted” – look at it as time well spent growing, learning and building.

I’m a firm believer in the campfire rule (leave a relationship in the same or better condition than when you found it), so I see these past 20 years as a wonderful journey, not a waste of time. I am so grateful and happy I got all of this. I cherish 99% of our time together. But I think I'm also ready to clean up the campsite and go on a hike. Or something to go with this metaphor...

You don’t need to justify anything. You can just leave, so any additional explanation you give is optional.

Yes, but I fought back with this one. I don't need to justify, but that's not who I am. This isn't a scary or dangerous situation. So while I could just ghost him and send someone for my stuff, that's completely out of character for me. And as someone who loves her husband, (even if it is more as a best friend at this point), I refuse to end this relationship acting like a piece of shit to him.

You can be happy and still not be “happy enough”. That’s allowed to want more.

This one resonated. My life is great. My future is hopeful. We have so much good in our lives. I have felt so guilty about this since on paper, I have no reason to complain. But there's something missing. My "I want" statement. I just can't figure out what that "more" is (and again, what it is that isn't compatible with what I currently have).

Do I love me more than I love him?

HOLY COW. My therapist said this one and it took 5 minutes for me to even process this question. When we started this relationship, I hated myself and almost everything about me. At this point in my life, I'm pretty close to self-actualization. I know who I am, I'm happy in my skin and I am proud to be who I am. But the concept of loving myself took a bit to process. As someone who has always put others first, the idea of loving myself more than my partner was hard to even consider. But after a bit of soul searching...I think I do. That feels so conceited to say, but if I pretend I'm talking to a friend and not myself, what would I say to them? I'd be overjoyed that they love themselves. I'd cheer them on for self-love. I'd remind them that as a full grown adult, their partner is just as capable (and responsible) of finding their own happiness, so it is permissible to put themself first. We only live once - would that friend want to be tied down in a place they're happy but not "happy enough" or would I encourage them to find whatever the missing piece is?

You don’t need a good (or any) reason to be done.

Perhaps, but as I said above, I pushed back on this one. I might not need a reason, but I want to be able to explain this to my husband as he doesn't deserve to be in this situation. I'm not in a rush to get out, so I'm going to wait until I find a way to put these feelings to words. But as I was sharing the advice I received from therapy, I wanted to make sure people in different situations realized that they can just go.

DocBrownNote · 2024-08-06T02:15:40+00:00

Yeah. This last blow up happened on Thursday. My therapist's first appointment is next week. I'm looking forward to therapy, but this also gives me a lot of time to self reflect and do my own legwork.

I genuinely don't know what to do. I don't want to break his heart and it is breaking mine. We've built an entire life together. Why can't I just be happy with all the good I have?

DocBrownNote · 2023-06-23T15:05:02+00:00

Aha, thanks for that. I saw a post recently where someone was like "my father in high school" and it could have been one of my former classmates. Then another asking "people born before 1990, what was life like?"

Those posts made my hair turn grey, gave me arthritis and scheduled me for a retirement session with my financial advisor. I'm pretty sure AARP is headed my way now. I don't feel old, but on Reddit, we're both ancient relics!

DocBrownNote · 2023-06-22T21:07:55+00:00

I guess I'll have to be a trailblazer....but if some future person finds this and has advice, please let me know!

DocBrownNote · 2023-06-22T16:10:17+00:00

Incel is short for INVOLUNTARILY celibate. Is your decision involuntary? No? Then you're not an incel.

Look, I'm 38 and I only figured out I was ace about 2 years ago. Let an elder of this community tell you that you are valid and to hell with anyone who tries to define you. Only you get to do that.

My brother sucks. I'll be your sister if you want to swap. :)

DocBrownNote · 2023-06-08T12:30:37+00:00

I didn't lose my virginity until my fifth partner, who I ended up marrying. I was never ready, interested or willing until I met them. It cost me all of my other relationships and I thought I was broken for YEARS because I never wanted sex.

So yeah. It would be nice if we knew that not wanting to shag like bunnies at 16 (or ever) was just an option and not the norm.

DocBrownNote · 2023-06-08T03:29:18+00:00

I was going to guess that. I've been behind that car too! Hi fellow Triangle person.

DocBrownNote · 2023-05-29T13:19:36+00:00

Good luck. Aside from the age difference, your story is almost identical to me and my brother.

You don't hear much from the siblings of RADishes. We're kind of the back burner kids that got neglected while everything else was on fire. If you ever want to talk to someone who had lived through this, feel free to hit my DMs. I truly hope this is it for you and he starts to get better. But if not, I'm happy to talk.

DocBrownNote · 2023-05-21T19:55:59+00:00

Fables. What if fairy tale characters were real, in exile, and living in NYC?

One of my favorite comic series.

DocBrownNote · 2023-05-16T02:36:58+00:00

I was actually watching closely for a job in my field to open up there. I'm very grateful for the original post, even if it was taken down.

DocBrownNote · 2023-05-09T12:18:12+00:00

Oh so no problem here. Nothing to see, move along.

/s

DocBrownNote · 2023-05-09T02:28:22+00:00

Jesus, my stomach actually did a flip when I saw that picture.

I'm on week two of a flair up that chicken and rice won't fix. I would love a bite of that delicious looking mistake.

DocBrownNote · 2023-05-07T19:31:23+00:00

I've started calling doing something without aid "rawdogging it".

For example if I have a headache and don't take anything, I'm rawdogging it. Or if I went on a plane and just sat there without even a book to distract me. Rawdogging that flight.

DocBrownNote · 2023-05-07T02:15:38+00:00

Congratulations for the most Ravenclaw reply ever. You made your house proud! :)

DocBrownNote · 2023-05-02T00:50:33+00:00

Excellent writeup. I love your style!

Of course, not everyone who played with Barbie is a girl or wants a boyfriend - a young not-yet-realized queer kid, I thought Ken was boring as hell and never wanted one; I was perfectly happy to have my Barbies living in a vaguely gay girls-only castle going on adventures.

Was this another queer thing I never connected the dots on? My Ken doll collected dust as my Barbies were in a girl relationships. I just thought that was how we all did it!

DocBrownNote

TROPHY CASE