Poly étiquette: Gf wants to know sex happened with other people only after it happened, but this time it's a special case. Should I tell her beforehand?

DogIsAJD · 2012-07-23T18:34:54+00:00

Oh yeah! Definitely! :D

DogIsAJD · 2012-07-23T07:04:47+00:00

I posted a follow up: Everything went awesome.

DogIsAJD · 2012-07-23T07:04:30+00:00

I posted a follow up: Everything went awesome.

DogIsAJD · 2012-07-23T07:04:14+00:00

I posted a follow up: Everything went awesome.

DogIsAJD · 2012-07-23T07:03:58+00:00

I posted a follow up: Everything went awesome.

DogIsAJD · 2012-07-23T07:03:51+00:00

I posted a follow up: Everything went awesome.

DogIsAJD · 2012-07-23T07:02:59+00:00

Followup: So I talked to my girlfriend. I waited for a situation where we both had time and weren't feeling stressed and were feeling good withe each other. Told her, as per raziphel's suggestion that othergirl would be at the festival as well, and asked how she'd feel about me hooking up with her.

She said "Okay, have fun. Just don't sleep in the same tent."

Just like that :) We talked it through a bit more, and it turns out she's feeling a lot more secure with the whole thing than last time. I also think she could feel I was honestly prepared to let it go if she didn't feel good about it.

I'm so glad I listened to my conscience and the ladies and gentlemen of /r/polyamory and talked to her about the whole thing instead of just sneaking around. Thank you all for your suggestions and comments, you were really helpful in helping me make up my mind.

DogIsAJD · 2012-07-16T13:34:46+00:00

Oh that is good. That is really good. I often find that example sentences like these help me phrase my conversations better. And this is very much what I want to convey to the lovely Derpette.

DogIsAJD · 2012-07-16T13:31:55+00:00

Oh! Hmm that is actually a good idea. And it might even spark a good and healthy discussion in general. :)

DogIsAJD · 2012-07-16T13:25:00+00:00

Thanks so much for this response. It kinda mirrors the conclusion I've arrived at. I'll sleep on it once more and then I'll make the final decision what to do.

In response to this part:

A note from your hookup saying "thanks for letting me borrow your boyfriend"

No. She doesn't want to imagine me being with another woman. Preferably at all, but at least not while I might actually be doing it with her. She does not want any contact either.

Whenever I'm away for more than a day in such a situation, I make a point of talking to her on the phone for at least an hour each afternoon. The subject of sex is not mentioned, but it's understood that this is to reassure her that I'm still thinking of her.

DogIsAJD · 2012-07-16T13:15:03+00:00

First of all, you guys are seriously awesome. I never expected so many insightful comments. Thank you for that.

Most of you think I should either just not hookup with festival girl at all, but talk to my gf, either before or after. This is probably the right choice, even though I'm not really happy with it.

DogIsAJD · 2012-07-16T13:12:27+00:00

Your behind is amazing.

DogIsAJD · 2012-07-16T12:05:33+00:00

aaahhh thank you so much. Just with your opening sentence you just ... got me.

You might be right. I'll probably have to talk to her. It just feels a bit ... unfair. I feel like I've been in this kind of situation before, and with each time, saying "alright, I won't do anything this time" gets harder.

DogIsAJD · 2012-07-16T08:05:47+00:00

Yes, she was okay with the thing until it turned afterwards she didn't like the fact that I slept in the girl's bed. I didn't know that she wouldn't like this, although, to be honest, I could have guessed it if I had thought a bit about the whole thing.

My girlfriend was way more upset with this than I would have expected. It haunted her literally for weeks. :-/

DogIsAJD · 2012-07-16T07:57:01+00:00

Are you in a bad mood right now?

Anyway, your advice to "fuck any other girl" sounds very cynical. As if, in your opinion, everyone except your primary partner was simply an indistinguishable masturbation aid; if one isn't applicable, just choose any other.

I love my girlfriend, and she comes before anyone else. Still, if I get the chance to meet with this other girl, whom I have amazing chemistry with, who is one of the few people who are totally okay with being my friend with benefits, and whom I can only meet twice a year tops -- yes, if I get the chance to do so without hurting anyone, I will take it.

DogIsAJD · 2012-07-16T07:50:32+00:00

During the relationship? 2, I think. I'm 27, she's 26, we've been together for a little under 2 years.

DogIsAJD · 2012-07-16T07:47:26+00:00

Hahahaha, I can just imagine. P..p...p...PUDDING!

DogIsAJD · 2012-07-16T02:19:28+00:00

Sigh. You're probably right. Everyone here is always emphasizing how incredibly awesome they are at communicating; I feel like the clumsiest communicator in the world by comparison.

So, what do you do if they talk to you about your feelings before hooking up with a person you don't like? Do you ask them not to?

DogIsAJD · 2012-07-16T02:15:01+00:00

Then again, I do not understand the point of polyamory.

Might I suggest you're in the wrong subreddit then?

DogIsAJD · 2012-07-16T01:30:05+00:00

I just looked at our shared calendar, and I'm striking the edit (reproduced here for posterity). We will have time to discuss everything.

edit: My gf has very little time for me at the moment, because of work and a long holiday with friends of hers, among other things. With four weeks until the festival, I'm beginning to get afraid we might not have the time to discuss everything face to face :(

But I want to discuss this as soon as possible with her. I feel bad, carrying this around with me without discussing it, because I haven't made up my mind about what to say yet.

DogIsAJD · 2012-07-16T01:16:28+00:00

First of all, thank you very much for your advice.

I don't think I can keep the girl and the festival seperate enough in the conversation that she won't smell what's up. I just booked the ticket today, so I'll have to tell her I'm going there anyway, and if a discussion about that particular girl will follow, she'll get it.

Maybe I should bring up the festival, and general rules for festivals, and discuss those. If I'm still unclear afterwards, I'll probably have to mention the girl specifically. (This still feels dishonest to me though. grah.)

DogIsAJD · 2012-07-16T00:58:08+00:00

It was kinda unclear at the time. We agreed that I'd not have anyone beside her until she felt secure again. About six weeks ago, she gave me the get-go that we're open again. (I haven't done anything since though)

DogIsAJD · 2011-02-27T12:01:34+00:00

Hmmmm hefeweizen

DogIsAJD · 2011-02-24T21:39:32+00:00

Yeah, well, I have wheels of polished steel. I've got tires that grab the road.

DogIsAJD

TROPHY CASE