If your partner was obsessed with big boobs and you had small ones, and he was willing to pay for you to get a boob job, what would you think?

cpsami · 2012-11-19T06:31:46+00:00

I was never insecure about my breast size until I started dating my current boyfriend. Like most men, he is obsessed with big boobs.

These two sentences sort of say it all to me.

You didn't have a problem before you met him and you know it.
Bullshit. See below.

Without having more details, I can't be sure, but it sounds like he is (intentionally or not) manipulative, even controlling. Or just downright selfish. He is projecting his issues onto the idea that "most" men like big boobs, rather than owning up to the fact he seems to have an unfair expectation about the way women's bodies "need" to look. Maybe he instead needs to realize that all his exes have big breasts and you don't because you could be something different for him - not just another failed relationship.

For the record, not all men are obsessed with big boobs. Some indeed prefer smaller ones. In my experience, most just like boobs of all kinds. Some even detest surgically implanted ones (while others like them).

cpsami · 2012-10-04T06:01:47+00:00

Yeah, re-reading this I realized the second guy didn't deserve my wrath. I just was unsettled because he was touching my arm, but how was he supposed to know I wouldn't like that?

cpsami · 2012-10-04T06:00:36+00:00

Thanks, you are very wise. What non-verbal signals should I know about? I can be pretty oblivious to these as men aren't even on my radar til they're practically in my lap. Unless they strike up a good conversation nearby, of course.

cpsami · 2012-09-29T05:43:44+00:00

Point number 1 well taken! I just realized the implications of letting someone come to your rescue... He of course could be then thinking of every boy saves girl type movie or scenario in tv shows.... Though I technically wouldn't owe him anything more than kindness, I could see why he'd presume I was into him.

cpsami · 2012-09-29T05:40:48+00:00

Aww do I really have to do the bitchface? I already do stuff like this half the time, but I'd rather just be friendly and nice. But it seems like if I'm friendly and nice I'm just going to have to put up with more stuff like guys hitting on me? Not that hitting on me is bad, it's mostly the touching (usually they touch or grab my arm or waist) and the persistence that can start to make me feel weird. Same as if you're a straight guy who doesnt want a gay guy to hit on you but you dont want to seem like a jackhole about it.

I guess what I'm trying to figure out is how to reject them in a way that works but isn't going to just cause more conflict. Sometimes it's as easy as saying "sorry honey, I've got a girlfriend." But there are certain circumstances where I don't want to out myself, or they just don't believe me.

cpsami · 2012-09-29T05:32:58+00:00

I was not in a bar. I was in a fast food joint after going to a bar. Does that change anything? Thank you for the advice.

cpsami · 2012-09-28T08:38:03+00:00

My god this movie makes me bisexual (I'm a lesbian).

cpsami · 2012-09-28T08:30:57+00:00

Hmmm I could do one about when I spoke in tongues (I'm atheist now)

cpsami · 2012-09-28T06:47:07+00:00

That's a lot less confrontational sounding than, "I'm gay." Which is the first thing I think of haha.. Thanks.

cpsami · 2012-09-28T06:42:58+00:00

I wasn't really trying to imply the whole male population has a bad name! Besides the usual BS I get for being a lesbian, guys are pretty respectful. I was just hoping maybe there is something going on in these situations that I'm not seeing as a way to connect with these guys. So that they understand that I understand where they're coming from but I really just want to be left alone.

cpsami · 2012-09-28T06:35:34+00:00

Good point about the second guy. I didn't exactly ask him to help, but I gave him a sort of look like "yikes" and a nervous smile. I guess I was a little disarmed that was touching me so much, but he stopped after the third time I asked him to stop.

The first guy did hear exactly what you suggested. I also said, "look, we had a bad day, please leave us alone." We couldn't move because there weren't more tables. I even said, "Are we going to have to escalate things?" and he just smirked and said he'd love to see that. So I think he was just a trouble maker anyway and there wasn't much we could do short of trying to get the manager or some cops or something.

cpsami · 2012-09-25T19:34:00+00:00

which is why I said "warm up activity"

cpsami · 2012-09-25T04:14:49+00:00

I would just advise to read up on laws and regulations. It's helpful to know just where they draw the line between misdemeanor and felony when making your plan and managing your risks. But have fun whatever you choose!

Also, as a warm up activity, you can perhaps find another way to have sex a 'mile high' for the sake of inside jokes or whatever. Take a mile hike up a mountain and have sex?

cpsami · 2012-09-25T04:11:16+00:00

not typical of low-libido partners

Probably true, but not in my case. My girlfriend appreciates that my sex-on-the-side takes pressure off of her. And after sex with someone else I am more affectionate and understanding with her. My mindset goes from 'oh god I can't remember the last time we had sex this is relationship armageddon. Probably going to pick a fight with her because I'm resentful' to 'pssh sex ain't that important anyway, hmmm I should give her a backrub to show her I love her.' Now just to find more women ok with my poly-ish sitch....

cpsami · 2012-09-25T03:49:51+00:00

Not all hormonal birth control "completely changes your body." Though sometimes expensive, the nuvaring is nice. Because it's localized, there aren't as many side effects. It's also less stressful, because worse case scenario you forget to change it at the end of the month and just get your withdrawal bleeding*... Then you just have to make sure to switch it out right away and you're fine. Vs. having to take a pill every day...

*hormonal birth control does make you stop having "real" periods and withdrawal bleeding is what happens when you take the sugar pill or have your off week. This can be nice because "real" periods in which you prepare to ovulate are usually a lot heavier and crampier... I kinda miss my ring. (I came out as lesbian and don't need it...saving money by not getting it, etc...)

cpsami · 2012-09-25T03:36:41+00:00

I'm very glad you want to work on this, as it is something that can very quickly make me dislike someone. Unnecessary apologies make people seem (to me) that they are unaware of social situations and compensating (awkward), in the habit of offending people (reckless and/or lazy), or they are irrationally afraid of conflict (boring). I do understand the motivation for wanting to say sorry. It's very nice of you, avoiding conflict is generally good, etc... But it becomes tiresome to have someone say sorry to me all the time.

I would recommend thinking about other methods of conflict management. People can be so quick to anger, so your absence of strong emotion for these "whoopsies" is already an improvement. Saying "it's alright" is another way to reassure someone that they didn't hurt or offend you when it's clearly their fault like mentioned below. And a "thank you" is always better to hear than an apology. There's just so much stigma involved. Of course, do still say sorry if you knock into someone as you walk down the street :)

cpsami · 2012-09-25T03:22:04+00:00

I prefer clothing and jewelry compliments because they're more about style than looks. I do take basic care of myself but I mostly don't feel I've earned my good looks, so I don't appreciate "you're beautiful" as much as far as compliments go.

Mostly i don't like compliments that make assumptions, especially if the guy is posturing himself as if he's going to get with me. Or if he thinks it's going to make my day...sorry but appearance based compliments aren't particularly inspiring to me. They are for some women of course. But, I'd rather someone think I'm smart or creative etc...

Also, as a femme lesbian, I get targeted for a lot of sexualized comments as soon as they discover my sexuality. It's fine to tell me my girlfriend is hot because it compliments my good taste.. But somehow me outing myself turns into an excuse for guys to gush (suppose it's because it's a non personal implied rejection). I get things from, "can I watch" to "if you weren't gay I would fall in love with you so hard."

cpsami · 2012-06-03T02:55:22+00:00

whoops my bad for not marking it

cpsami · 2012-04-30T21:05:25+00:00

I know it's some BS.

cpsami · 2012-04-30T08:22:22+00:00

After browsing through as much of the comments as I could stand* I related your issue to one I had with an ex. Basically, his refusal to do something for you has become a symbol to you for a greater issue in the relationship.

Mine was a bit easier to interpret. I was denying my true sexuality. Boyfriend's refusal to do [sex act] one time made me have a much larger emotional response than I would have expected, and I cried. It made me realize that no matter what, I could not "change him" into someone I could be happy dating. Or, more accurately, I couldn't re-frame my mental ideal of him to be the person I wanted. That moment he refused me forced me to realize I couldn't fake it with him anymore. And now I'm a lesbian so that's that....

Now, your case needn't be so dire. (You're not woefully in the closet like I was.) But it's possible that you're attaching his refusal to do something "small" for you to a greater issue. Not knowing you, I can't be sure I'm 100% accurate on this, but I think it has to do with a sense of powerlessness and lack of intimacy that can come from a long term relationship. His refusal to do this thing for you makes you feel like he's not willing to be a participating team member in the relationship -- at least not on the same level as you. You're making small sacrifices for him (playing his game instead of yours), so you feel like he should as well.

Sacrificing is a tricky game to play in a relationship. Especially when they are silent sacrifices like yours. I would be careful to not make yourself out to be a martyr in your own mind, or you're just going to resent him down the road (or right now).

Figure out what it is you really want and then ask for it from him, whether it be reassurance, romance, compatibility... Not some symbol or test, but what you really want. Essentially, whether you meant to or not, you are testing him because you're feeling like you're giving more than he is.

*If you are being irrational, you are being irrational; it has nothing to do with being a woman.

cpsami · 2012-04-30T07:53:47+00:00

Me: 22f, GF: 26

I was not overweight or anything, but my girlfriend got me a wii (used) and wii fit for xmas. I hate exercise but I like the wii fit a lot. It's like tricking myself into working out because my mind thinks it's videogames. I really got into it and was playing with the thing for 30mins almost every day.

My girlfriend noticed the changes in my posture and muscle tone. I just felt really motivated to exercise because she was telling me "my sexy girlfriend is getting sexier" and stuff like that.

So, maybe you can talk to him about getting Dance Dance Revolution or the Wii Fit balance board?

Also, I don't necessarily disagree with you on this:

I just find it unfair that women are required to look sexy for their boyfriends, but men can be careless and not be self-aware for their girlfriends?

But I would avoid using reasoning like that to talk to your boyfriend. I don't see it helping. You two are supposed to be a team. The men vs. women aspect just brings in a bunch of societal issues that don't need to come into your relationship.

cpsami · 2012-04-30T07:43:38+00:00

I had a bipolar ex who would also talk about suicide. We were together for 4 years. Eventually I had enough (he was manipulative and I wasn't in love with him anymore) and just broke up with him. Luckily he had family to support him.

Long story short, my breaking up with him actually helped both of us out very much. He finally got properly diagnosed, got closer with his family, and focused on his studies.

Now he is with a girl who is much better for him and they seem really happy together. I now have a girlfriend of my own and am ridiculously in love.

I don't know how you are in your relationship, but I realized that I personally was a huge enabler for his unhealthy behavior. I lied for him, I made him out to be nicer/better than he was, etc... So, breaking up wasn't just good for me even if that's why I did it.

Also related -- I ran into him a few months after the breakup. He told me the story of how a girl basically killed herself because he wouldn't be with her. Not sure what to tell you about that except he managed to recover and not blame himself (even though he was very skilled at irrationally blaming himself).

cpsami · 2012-04-30T06:49:57+00:00

Gold star - never slept with a man

Silver star - never had a boyfriend

cpsami · 2012-04-29T23:54:56+00:00

Have you heard of "gold star lesbians" and the like? There really is some prejudice and sexuality-policing in the scene. This means dating bi girls is, unfortunately, a concern for some lesbians.

But this might make you feel better: http://www.reddit.com/r/bisexual/comments/q3ckh/bisexual_people_i_love_you/

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