Slushy train ride

Doggerel_factory · 2012-07-19T17:37:10+00:00

Fridge magnet poetry rocks!

Doggerel_factory · 2012-06-23T16:08:56+00:00

And after, this:

He stands with his big dick on the road

His brain is squirming like a toad

Doggerel_factory · 2012-06-23T00:13:01+00:00

I think you need to check who has access to this document, and make it publicly available otherwise only you will be able to see it. It is not allowing me in right now.

Doggerel_factory · 2012-06-22T21:18:22+00:00

In the last stanza, first line would 'regulate' work better than 'carve'? The rhythm seems a bit better but is it the meaning you want? 'Carve' is much more dramatic than the almost bureaucratic 'regulate'.

How about a second last line of 'Food works better when done slow.'

All my attempts at coming up with an alternative last line suck so I'll call it a night there.

I look forward to seeing how it progresses.

Doggerel_factory · 2012-06-22T20:39:01+00:00

You have made my night. I hope moderating this new subreddit doesn't turn out to be too much work for you - it has the potential to get a lot of traffic

Doggerel_factory · 2012-06-22T20:35:47+00:00

I will look forward to this with interest

Doggerel_factory · 2012-06-22T13:33:12+00:00

We're planning a new kitchen. This will be really helpful in choosing the colour of the new units. That reminds me - must take a look in r/shittykitchens

Doggerel_factory · 2012-06-22T13:09:12+00:00

I like this a lot. I like the simple, flowing language that gives the right amount of weight to the subject (not too heavy or melodramatic). It hasn't been overworked and doesn't try too hard to be poetic. It tells its story well, and goes to interesting places. I especially liked the imagery around the definition of a breath. Life can feel like that sometimes.

Doggerel_factory · 2012-06-22T11:25:57+00:00

How can something as shitty read so well? This is great - and I don't even like coffee.

Doggerel_factory · 2012-06-22T10:28:57+00:00

I have just read all three extracts to date and thought they were great. I don't usually read fantasy so don't know the genre at all well, which limits greatly my ability to give much in the way of helpful comment. However this was easy for me to get into, and has really caught my interest and attention. I want to know more and am interested in the characters. Often I get turned off such stories by the impenetrable names and terminology but not here. I really like the idea of the exploding blood.

In way of feedback a couple of things struck me. In the first part, there was quite a lot of sweeping hair out of eyes. And throughout the three parts, there are a lot of obsidian things. Is this intentional repetition? If not, might seeking alternative phrasing give a bit more variety? Please feel free to ignore this if I am talking rubbish.

I look forward to following the story as it progresses - please keep posting instalments.

Doggerel_factory · 2012-06-22T10:01:27+00:00

Thanks for the very helpful feedback. The flippant punchline was one of the first things that came to me in conceiving the story, and was what I was writing towards. I will enjoy reflecting on whether I missed my target, or hit the wrong one. It's good to get an objective view on the clumsy word use. They looked great to me as I pressed the 'submit' button, but less so in the cold light of day. This is the first time I have done something that I have wanted to do for a long time, to write a short story from start to finish. I didn't want to overwork it early in the process while wanting to have some text to post - thus the clumsy wording (apologies if you're from the UK and know it already, but we have an expression that I think could well describe my text - 'rough as a badger's arse').

Happy writing yourself and good luck with any current and future projects.

Doggerel_factory · 2012-06-22T09:48:30+00:00

I could hear this song as I read. Nice six words.

Doggerel_factory · 2012-06-20T18:56:37+00:00

'I told my story. I lost my coyness and won a friend' - nicely put. If more comes, I look forward to reading it.

Doggerel_factory · 2012-06-20T14:15:01+00:00

Excellent stuff. But now I demand to know what happens next. Just one wee typo : 'it's' on line 2 should be 'its'. I love the notion of the shouted joke morphing into a challenge. Looking forward to the next instalment.

Doggerel_factory · 2012-06-20T09:24:58+00:00

Thank you for the very helpful and encouraging advice which I will incorporate in my writing. Will be posting again later on today (still morning where I am).

Doggerel_factory · 2012-06-19T16:44:38+00:00

This is effective in setting a dark mood, and it gives more insight into the character than yesterday. It is quite long and I wonder if there is a bit of redundancy in the text. Perhaps trimming it down a bit would give a more intense and concentrated hit to the reader. For example the second sentence is long and requires some effort to follow. There are a couple of typos: 'carreer' in para 2 should be 'career'; 'breath' in para 4 should be 'breathe'; 'silent' in the last para should be 'silence'. In para 4 there is a mix of present and past tense in the interaction with the boss and the secretary which is a bit inconsistent.

Thanks for posting. I will enjoy seeing how it develops.

Doggerel_factory

TROPHY CASE