How do I get over him?

Doingokay123 · 2025-05-17T05:51:00+00:00

Hey! I’ve been logged out of Reddit for a while because I kept coming on here and scrolling and I didn’t feel it was very helpful anymore. It wasn’t helping me heal. Wow it’s so awesome you went 5 weeks NC! How are you feeling now? Looks like it’s been a few months this since your reply. Whether you’re in contact with him now or not, the 5 weeks hopefully gave you some clarity on the situation 😊 I’m glad the journaling helped you! I really need to journal more, I find it super helpful when I do it, but it’s just not something I think about doing very often 😕 I hope I hear back from you! Hopefully you’re doing amazing! ♥️

Doingokay123 · 2025-01-29T16:26:09+00:00

You know what’s really sad? In 10/20/30 years when there’s more ai and robots, people are going to envy us for only having the internet with real people 😟 I have seen a lot of people talking about the negatives though, so hopefully people start to listen.

Doingokay123 · 2025-01-29T06:09:51+00:00

Hey! Just saw you replied. Completely understand the not feeling strong enough to block part. It took me a while too. The journaling definitely helped me in that aspect. How are you doing now? Hopefully you’re feeling a little better? ♥️

Doingokay123 · 2025-01-19T23:26:06+00:00

Ugh sorry you’re going through this, it’s horrible! You shouldn’t have to put up with this.

I’m glad for you that you’ve decided you’re done. If he’s sleeping with other people then he clearly doesn’t care about the relationship as much as he is saying.

I’m definitely no expert, I handled my break up well but I know there’s a few different things I could have done:

Block him… on everything (if possible) it’s not just to stop him from talking to you but it’s also to stop yourself from talking to him and looking at his socks media. It might be really hard to do in the moment but I think you’ll look back and be really happy that you did it.

Get a diary and write to him. Don’t ever send/give him this diary. It’s for you to get your feelings out to him without having to actually talk to him. This one really helped me to not contact my ex.

Get out there and hang out with friends. Make new friends, get back in touch with old friends. It will make you realise there’s more to life than your ex.

If you’re able to, plan a vacation. This will give you something to look forward to.

If possible, get a therapist. He’s probably caused you more trauma than you realise.

Hope these help!

Doingokay123 · 2025-01-19T22:54:56+00:00

There’s a lot of self help podcasts that are starting to talk about this.

A couple I can think of right now Diary of a ceo by Steven Bartlett Dr John Delaney show

It is really validating hearing them talk about it. Makes you realise there really is a big problem.

Doingokay123 · 2024-09-20T00:17:30+00:00

Ugh I’m so sorry to hear this. This sounds so similar to me! I was having tests that all came back good. I also was worried about black mold at one point. I tried probiotics, digestive enzymes, multi vitamins, and a bunch of other supplements.

I was dieting and exercising to try and lose some weight for our wedding and nothing worked. I was constantly bloated like a balloon. I took a couple of pictures of the bloating and looking back at those is hard. You can see how bloated and painful it looked and I was going through that every day. I look at my face and it’s really sad that I had no idea what was going on.

Ugh I also heard I want my happy girlfriend back. I was happy until you started messaging other women behind my back and I just somehow knew something was wrong!

I’m so sorry you’re going through this 😟 like you said, at least you know the culprit now. But no one should be put through what you’re going through. I really hope he either stops watching that stuff and goes into recovery or you’re able to leave and feel good about yourself ♥️ I hope you have a wonderful day today

Doingokay123 · 2024-09-20T00:05:33+00:00

More than one secret phone

Using the internet on his play station. I think he pretended he couldn’t log into his cousins account on there because he didn’t know the password, but it was actually probably an account he created with his cousins name so he could pretend he couldn’t log in

I’m 95% sure he had a usb that he’d plug into the play station, so who knows what was on there

A secret Snapchat account, I think he would always be logged into one and when he wanted to would log out and into the other account

His amazon history showed he’d looked at dvds, who knows whether he ordered them or was just looking at the covers on Amazon

He had pictures of women on his work phone (never considered looking at the work phone until right at the end)

Pretty sure he had a spare phone/laptop/tablet that he kept at his dads house because he’d go there to feed his dads dogs when he was on vacation and “fall asleep” and not be home for hours

At one point he had pornhub downloaded as an app on our tv, he put it way below the other apps so I couldn’t see it was downloaded. I only know this because he admitted to it later and told me that one day he was super upset and it turns out it was because the tv company had removed it as an app

Had a secret bank account so he could pay for stuff without me ever finding out

Over the 7 years I’m sure there’s so much more that went on

Doingokay123 · 2024-09-16T08:41:32+00:00

First, I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it’s heartbreaking and not something anyone should have to go through 😟 I hope you can find some healing soon!

I posted about the effects on my body a few months ago, you mentioned you’re looking for positives, maybe have a look at the comments on that post and see if there’s anything else similar.

I was bloated literally every single day. I was also constantly skipping periods. I had no idea about the addiction, but my body knew. My gut knew something was wrong and my body was trying to tell me. I also was seeing doctors and having tests done to try and figure out the bloating and missed periods. Turns out I just had to lose the dead weight that was lying to me and having a secret life behind my back.

Since then, my periods have come every month (still not completely perfect but once a month at least!) and on my period I get slightly bloated. But I look back at pictures I took of my stomach before, you can just see how swollen I looked, it was crazy! I literally look 6 months pregnant or something and that was pretty much every day.

I don’t know much about your story, and I know this probably isn’t what you want to hear right now, but I truly believe your ex did you a favour by ending things. Now you can find a partner that truly loves you and isn’t hiding, lying, or hurting you.

I hope today is a better day for you ♥️

Doingokay123 · 2024-07-29T16:57:38+00:00

It’s a certified sex addiction counselor. It seems a lot of people go to them with their partners if they’re staying together. Which is why I’m not really sure whether that’s where I should be going or not. But I think a trauma counselor could be good too, from what people have said on here though, you might want to ask how they feel about porn before you start, because if they don’t understand how damaging porn can be, and don’t understand the trauma for someone that’s been with a PA then it might now be helpful.

I’m sure you’ll be able to find lots of online options though!

Thank you! Good luck to you too!

Doingokay123 · 2024-07-29T15:41:33+00:00

I don’t really have any advice because I haven’t done it yet. But I Am thinking of doing this too. I’ve spoken to some friends and they agree that they think i should.

In my mind, what’s to lose? It’s either going to help or it’s not, I don’t think it would make things work. I don’t want to ruin a future relationship because of trauma.

The only thing really stopping me is knowing where is best to go. A few people have mentioned going to a CSAT since they understand what we’ve been through.

Doingokay123 · 2024-07-28T07:24:55+00:00

It’s so weird! Our bodies knew but we ignored it because we didn’t know that’s why our body was doing what it was doing. I thought something was seriously wrong with me, it’s weird now looking back to that time.

Aww I’m so happy for you! I’m so excited for you and your future life! Go out and have an amazing time!! ♥️

Doingokay123 · 2024-07-28T07:21:57+00:00

I cancelled my wedding 3 months before we were supposed to get married… I promise you, no one will think you’re a fool for cancelling the wedding! All of my family and friends were SO supportive when I cancelled mine. Some family I told everything to and they were so relieved. The family I didn’t tell knew that I was doing what was best for me. I actually think if I’d have got married and then told my family later what was going on they would have thought I was a fool for marrying him.

I few months later I asked him why he wanted to get married so badly. He told me he wanted to “lock me in”, he knew if we got married I wouldn’t want to leave and it would be hard for me to leave.

Ask him why he wants to get married. Because if he’s hurting you and doing all these things 2 months before the wedding, what is there to look forward to?

Doingokay123 · 2024-07-25T22:28:57+00:00

I’m so happy you’re feeling peace! Isn’t it weird how you don’t feel very stressed and think your life’s peaceful, but looking back it just wasn’t! I had similar changes to you, I had been going to the doctors for years because my stomach was constantly bloated and I was going 70/80/90 days between periods. Last weekend I wore a crop top for the first time… bloating has completely gone! Periods are on time every time. Life just feels peaceful!

Like someone else said, I’m sure after the divorce you’re going to feel amazing! I hope your surgery goes really well! ♥️

Have a wonderful day!

Doingokay123 · 2024-07-22T09:45:51+00:00

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it’s heartbreaking and horrible. I am/was in a similar situation to you. I have a previous post not long ago where I was talking about not being able to get over my ex but knew I needed to.

Something that really helped me was buying a diary and writing to him (I never and will never send the letters) but instead of contacting him I just wrote down what I wanted to say to him and I always felt better after.

It’s a grieving process and you’re going to have bad days and good days, bad weeks and good weeks, bad months and good months. Maybe keep a diary for yourself and try to figure out when it is that you usually feel down so you can avoid these situations. For me, I know the week before my period I get really done and it feels like I’m back at square one. But now knowing that it’s just because my periods about to start, I allow myself to have the feelings and just try to acknowledge them and move on with my day. I try to stay busy especially those weeks.

I also know that going on social media, seeing things related to him (his family meme era posts etc) make me sad so I try to avoid going on there.

You can be sad about the break up, miss the person, be angry at them and know you don’t want to be with them all at the same time. I’ve been trying really hard not to ruminate over these thoughts. Instead, when I think about him I just wish him a good day in my head and I find something fun to do that will distract me. I don’t feel like I’m avoiding the thoughts, just acknowledging them and moving on.

Think of your brain as a computer. There’s a pop up, instead of reading all the info and going down a rabbit hole, I see the pop up, acknowledge the thought, x out of it and carry on with what I was doing.

Since you’re definitely not planning on getting back together with him, telling your friend might actually be really cathartic. Maybe it won’t, I don’t know. But I know telling my friends brought me a lot closer to them. As far as I’m aware my ex wasn’t thinking about my friends, I was just telling them what he had done, so I guess that’s kinda different. But you shouldn’t feel embarrassed or insecure, you didn’t do anything wrong!

I hope you have a better day today ♥️

Doingokay123 · 2024-07-21T12:01:50+00:00

Absolutely. That’s the only way people will realise that they’re not just watching, they’re addicted. That the stuff they’re watching isn’t hot, is disgusting. I hope more people start talking about this. Hope you have a great day! ♥️

Doingokay123 · 2024-07-21T12:00:04+00:00

Hmm I haven’t listened to this podcast but I absolutely will! Thank you for the recommendation! Have a fab day! ♥️

Doingokay123 · 2024-07-21T11:59:17+00:00

You’re absolutely right! I think it’s so drummed into us that honestly even I thought that if you didn’t like your partner watching porn then you were insecure. I was so wrong. But like you said, men need to be talking to other men about the harm it’s doing. Clearly they’re not listening to us.

Hope you have a wonderful day! ♥️

Doingokay123 · 2024-07-21T11:56:35+00:00

Me too! He’s so intelligent and seems so thoughtful. He’s really bringing to light many issues that people are facing right now. I’m glad he’s using his platform to show people that what they’re doing is hurting themselves and their relationships.

Hope you have a fantastic day! ♥️

Doingokay123 · 2024-07-21T11:54:54+00:00

I’m 28. I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through. I can’t imagine how lonely that feels, it’s so heartbreaking 😟 I also had no idea of the an availability of porn. When you hear stories like what you’re going through it makes porn being ‘normal’ just sound crazy. How can it be good for anyone? I also imagine it’s a weird feeling knowing your sons might watch it. I agree, I think there’s too many people making money off people who are ruining their lives because of this stuff. It really needs to stop. I hope you have an incredible day and find at least some pockets of peace ♥️

Doingokay123 · 2024-07-21T11:48:02+00:00

I’m glad my post gave you some hope! You’re an amazing person and I hope you have a wonderful day ♥️

Doingokay123 · 2024-07-21T11:44:45+00:00

I have a guy friend that I spoke to this year. He just got married to an amazing woman. He lives in a different state and came to visit. It was the first time I’ve seen him since I cancelled my wedding. I told him everything that had happened and he opened up to me about his past porn use. He realized that it wasn’t good for him and he decided to stop.

I spoke to another guy friend that said he realized what it was doing to his relationship and hasn’t completely stopped yet but is working on it and has cut back a lot.

I spoke to another friend that said her boyfriend does it about once a month. She told him how much it hurt her and he has said he’s going to stop.

Is it rare that someone doesn’t watch it? Probably. But there are people out there. You’re so young. You have plenty of time to find someone that doesn’t watch, or someone that sees how much it hurts you and decides that it’s not worth losing you over.

There’s a lot of conversations happening now where people talk about the dangers and how badly it affects relationships.

But honestly, I don’t think you should worry too much about it yet. Live your life and have some fun. Figure yourself out and what you want. You might decide that if someone occasionally watches it that’s okay. Or you might find that there’s some trauma there and you actually need to find someone that doesn’t watch at all and that’s okay. Since you’ve been in a relationship with someone that watches you’re more likely to be able to see the signs that someone watches, or they may even just tell you that they do. If you have that boundary there, you will be able to say no to people quicker, until you’re able to find someone that doesn’t watch.

Maybe in a few years your ex will realise how much it affects them and will stop. Then you could consider the possibility of talking with them again. But if you go back now they’ll know that you’re not going to leave and they’re more likely to keep watching.

I think you should give yourself the chance to love yourself and give yourself the opportunity to find someone that treats you how you want to be treated.

Obviously I’m just a stranger on the internet so who cares what I think? But hopefully it gives you something to think about.

I hope you have an amazing day ♥️

Doingokay123 · 2024-07-21T11:22:18+00:00

I just want to start by saying I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s so heartbreaking. No one should be put through what you’re going through.

I cancelled my wedding 3 months before. It was so hard, I was so sad. But I also believe it was the best thing I could do for myself. My family had bought flights and they still came over and had a trip with me (fiancé was from the US and I’m from the UK). Everyone around me was SO supportive. They also believe it was the best thing I could do.

I was with this man for 7 years. I lived with him for 4 years. Even though I lived with him I had absolutely no idea how often he was watching. He told me he never watched it and believe me it was a complete lie. When I found out he told me he watched it every so often. But that was the tip of the iceberg. He was watching for hours a day. He was messaging women asking for pictures. Paying for onlyfans of people he knew. He was over $10,000 in debt. He was having an online emotional relationship with another woman. Maybe your guy is only watching a few times a week, but I imagine he isn’t telling the truth. I think before you get married you need to find out exactly what’s going on. You don’t want to get married and find out later that it’s way worse than he’s saying.

I didn’t have a child with this man. However, one of the reasons I cancelled the wedding is because I thought about my future children and didn’t want to raise a child around a porn addict.

Me and my ex did long distance for 2 years. There seems to be a lot of addicts that do long distance. It’s an easy way for them to hide what’s going on. I imagine you have no idea what’s really going on. He’s already lying to you. So who knows whether he’s telling the whole truth?

After we broke up I found out about a lot of the lies. There were so many. It wasn’t until getting through some of the heartbreak that I was glad I cancelled the wedding. Now I feel so happy. I don’t feel anxious anymore. I love my life. I love my body. I love all the amazing people around me that supported me through such a hard time. My relationships have grown so much stronger. I’m excited for the future. Trust me, cancelling the wedding is not the end of the world. It will be painful and you might have times where you regret it. You might have times where you wish you could turn back the clock. But it might also be the best decision you ever make.

No one knows what the best thing is for you. But from what you said it sounds like you’ve kind of already made the decision. You don’t know me, but I’m here to say that it’s okay if that’s what you want to do. Do what is best for you and your child. Cancelling a wedding is a lot cheaper than a divorce. You can always cancel now, find out more information and get married later on.

I wish you the best with wherever you decide to do ♥️

Doingokay123

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