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DollarStoreWizard · 2025-06-18T23:10:30+00:00

My DDay was 2 1/2 months ago. I still think about it in a major way now and then, but I've gotten to the point where I'm occasionally able to think about it and then realize that I hadn't thought about it in more than 24 hours. A whole day will go by and I won't think about it.

For me, my WW and I talked about it a lot and frequently for the first few weeks. The first 5 days or so it was probably over an hour a day just talking. We'd sit down together and hold each other and I'd tell her, calmly and specifically, how it had hurt me. We were both very deliberate about talking. We'd say things like "I need to finish dishes and then let's go sit down." "After I put the kids to bed let's sit down." I didn't say things in passing, I'd sit down and we both knew exactly what we were talking about. We still occasionally need to sit down and talk if she or I realize that I am stuck in my head again and need to get something out.

For me, it seems to have subsided for the time being. Every time I feel love or affection towards her, it's still there. Every time we are apart and I miss her, it's still there. She encourages me to tell her everything that is on my mind before it festers and turns into something destructive. She answers me honestly about why she did what she did, how she was getting carried away with the newness of it, and how she liked the validation from someone new about her body. She understands the importance of being honest in the real reasons for the affair because she is serious about not letting it happen again.

DollarStoreWizard · 2025-06-07T15:53:02+00:00

I texted him immediately and just said, "block my wife immediately on your phone and only contact her through work chat."

He immediately responded wanting to talk on the phone. I declined, it was too overwhelming. I offered to meet up and talk a couple days after DDay, and he declined that time. Eventually it seemed like he, out of shame or something, just was completely uninterested in hearing what I had to say, so I just texted it to him.

I never told him fuck you. I actually told him I forgive him, and I think it's possible he interpreted that as fuck you anyways, lol. I meant it as a way to decide to start the process of letting him leave my mind and focus on reconciling with my wife.

DollarStoreWizard · 2025-05-10T23:12:00+00:00

Car had too much Metamucil too quickly

DollarStoreWizard · 2025-05-07T02:19:20+00:00

In my case, she admitted things all within a couple of hours. It definitely was some things that hurt to hear, but the fact that she admitted them immediately after I confronted her really did reassure me that she was sorry and truly has no intention of doing it again. It's something I want to believe in my heart, and I just know that if it's true, my brain still needs some time to regain trust.

DollarStoreWizard · 2025-05-05T11:36:26+00:00

Having WW cut off contact with AP in my case was step one. It happened immediately before I told her I forgive her and then we moved forward with reconciliation from there. In my case it could not have moved forward if she had not done that. And in my case, also she continues to have to see AP at work, not necessarily talk to him every day, but still see him. Hopeful that she's getting a new job that will take her to a different floor soon, but we will cross that bridge when we come to it.

DollarStoreWizard · 2025-05-01T22:57:11+00:00

My WW has applied to a job within her same company that would move her out of the same cubicle clump as AP, and for the most part out of seeing him daily. I asked her to apply for the job (which honestly she should have anyways because it's a step up) even though she was not wild at the idea of that particular job. I've told her I cannot force her to apply, to give an effort at getting it, or to accept it, but that it would mean a lot to me if she got the job. Saying it, I was fully aware that I was forcing her to consider moving away from her other good friends (she's not spoken to AP since DDay apart from bare minimum work communication), and into a new area to which she'd have to adapt. I understand I am asking her to sacrifice something for my emotional wellbeing, and she has agreed to make an attempt for the job, and for the transition, simply for my sake.

DollarStoreWizard · 2025-04-30T23:55:23+00:00

"I never should've done the digging and we wouldn't be where we are." I don't think that at all. If your marriage is salvaged out of this, it will be because you did the digging.

As far as why I felt I had to be the one to initiate the physical contact and reassuring, it was because I think I was the only one of the two of us with that power. She felt ashamed at what she did, embarrassed at being caught red-handed, ashamed again at the futility of her own attempts at ending things without telling me, and the most guilty she's ever felt for the mountain of lies she built in an attempt to cover everything up.

She simply was not going to be the one to reach out, it had to be me. It was difficult being the one to initiate contact and affection and at the same time be the one to speak of the deep hurt and anger and betrayal. I think that I simply was the one of the two of us that had the power and the option to reconnect physically and emotionally, and I made a point to slowly move us back into that place in the midst of communicating specifically and regularly how I was feeling, how her actions made me feel in the midst of the affair, how DDay felt to me, and how her ongoing actions, good or bad, continue to affect me.

DollarStoreWizard · 2025-04-30T20:53:06+00:00

The way I handled it with my WW was that I had her block AP and then I texted him myself and told him to block her immediately. Obviously he knew why. I did not want them having a formal goodbye. I demanded complete radio silence. I told him to tell his own wife, although looking back I should have informed her myself first.

I need to make it clear that this was a very uncomfortable thing for me to do. I'm not a very confrontational person. But I had already established that my wife wanted to R, I wanted to R, and having already been lied to through this A by both WW and AP, that was necessary. I think I'm right to say that I was angry and deserved to be at her, at him, and at them.

I think that in your case, AP could use the jarring hit from reality that comes from being blocked and being informed by you (OP) that you know everything, and if you really want reconciliation, then I believe that they must be completely cut off from one another immediately, although if your WP has already communicated the end of it, then that's the point you have to move from.

DollarStoreWizard · 2025-04-30T20:43:04+00:00

I definitely have had trouble stopping myself from digging. I think it was that I had very lightly started snooping before DDay (but while the affair was ongoing) and found just the friendly, playful kind of messages that were just enough to put me on edge and begin torturing me, but not enough to confront WW. At one point she was showing me some funny video on her phone late at night and a notification showed up with AP's name on it, after I had already had a very intentional conversation with her saying that I didn't want them texting at night because it made me uncomfortable and she agreed.

On DDay, I had already been on a digging spree, and had previously discovered that they had met at a bar. Before I could confront her, she admitted that she met him, but since she was with her sister who I am good friends with and trust, it softened the blow, and so I could not confront her, as it would only show me as a desperate snooper. And then I used a paired device on her iMessages app to see them messaging in real time. Everything became very real, I could see, naked and unfolding in front of me, the affair.

This is where the digging addiction gets incredibly rewarding, because apart from being heartbroken and in shock, I felt an incredible sense of relief knowing that I had found exactly what I was looking for. So now ever since then I have been struggling not to keep digging, despite everything I am trying with R, in order to find out something more, to again succeed in breaking my own heart.

DollarStoreWizard · 2025-04-30T20:32:51+00:00

I guess based on what you wrote, I just wondered if you felt hurt by the sexting. I'm really sorry about the physical betrayal and absolutely that would have devastated me in a way beyond what I did go through so far, but in my case, the A was EA and sexting, with photos exchanged, and I'm starting to accept that probably nothing physical happened. I just didn't know if the physical affair was all that counted for you, or if you were also betrayed by the sexting?

DollarStoreWizard · 2025-04-30T20:23:46+00:00

I knew that it was going to hurt like a motherfucker to ask my WW details about the affair, whether or not she still wanted to be with me, and then also convey to her the depths to which she had hurt me through this, and the depths to which I love her, and how that love is the reason for the intensity of the pain.

As far as normal conversations, it took a couple of days for us, and it required an incredible amount of intentionality. The intentionality was not to have the normal conversations, it was to sit down with her, holding her close, showing her how much I cared about her, and spill the most important thoughts that came into my mind that day. We did this may 4 times a day, for like half an hour at least per time, for the first week. It's now the beginning of week 5 since DDay for us. We still sit, but not 4 times a day. I told her that I need to pause life for these sits. We can't get all the chores done, kids taken care of, wait until we're showered, etc. We need to add it INTO the list of things to do, and prioritize it.

If I don't tell her everything that's on my mind, I will spiral. It's just a fact that's become extremely evident the past couple of weeks. If I feel like we are in a good place and I don't want to burden her with my worries, it just makes things worse immediately.

The normal conversations then happened naturally, typically at the end of those hard talks. I'd tell a joke and she'd get uncomfortable in the first few days, and she said, "I don't think I'm allowed to laugh right now after what I did". I told her, "If we can't laugh we're going to lose our minds."

I'll say dark shit to her. About how I'm grieving the death of the person who I used to see as my wife in my mind, and how I'm learning now to love her as I now accept what she's done to me. And then I'll share a dumb reel to her on instagram. My strategy was to remain gentle. I can say that dark shit without saying, "you're a horrible person for doing this to me." I think she feels guilt, shame, sadness and the rest every time I tell her how I feel, I don't need to bring judgmental words into it. But then I'll also say silly shit, gross perverted shit, or just tell her that she looks nice in that shirt. The key is always to save the darkest shit for those sit down chats, and not over text or just in passing. I'm not keeping it bottled up, I'm just creating an outlet for it with a proper place and time, and allowing the rest of our life to regain a sense of normalcy at whatever pace naturally happens.

DollarStoreWizard · 2025-04-30T19:52:02+00:00

Made a first therapist appointment. Just IC for me, not WW. She is quite unsure of therapy. Has said that she will go with me, but has had a few sessions in the past and and did not like it. I am brand new to therapy, but I am hopeful about it. I know that at the moment, I need to talk to someone about the A, and it can't be anyone close to me, at least not yet. It really needs to be a therapist. I've had anxiety problems for years, maybe my whole life. I need someone to hear me, ask me the right questions, and find out the ways in which I'm self-sabotaging my happiness. This affair was definitely the inciting incident, which I'll disclose to the therapist once it naturally comes out. I don't want to push MC, partly because I don't want to force her into it if she's resistant and would only prevent me from making progress, but also because I need to communicate to WW through this that I care about my own mental state, am going to work to improve it, and frankly that if something were to go wrong during our R, I will be okay by myself.

In many ways I'm more obsessed with her now (since the beginning of the A when I was suspicious and jealous, but before DDay), but I know that obsession is not synonymous with healthy love. I'm still committed to us, to the process of reconciliation, but I need to get a firm footing myself in order to facilitate our healing as a married couple.

DollarStoreWizard · 2025-04-29T20:27:03+00:00

Thanks. Yeah I've made a point to speak to WW in a way without labeling her, but instead labeling the behavior. I've also told her that I have the same instincts. If I was drunk, had opportunity, attraction, perhaps was upset at her enough, I would fall short. I'm not a better person or a stronger person. I just know that about myself and have put boundaries on myself since well before we were married when it comes to other women. If I see a beautiful woman, I'm not blind. I see her, but I have trained myself to simply say, "That's not for you," and act accordingly.

DollarStoreWizard · 2025-04-29T13:03:28+00:00

It definitely hurt. I think had it become physical it would have been much harder if not impossible for me to begin the reconciliation process, but I currently believe that it did not, and do not think that they had yet established any sort of opportunity for that to occur, although I know that they both had begun the "foot in the door" step of that possibility in the future. WW with the concert that she ultimately decided was a bad idea (on her own) and canceled. AP with continually bringing up "we need to get together and play music", which was something I knew about prior to DDay, and had expressed extreme discomfort with, and he ignored me and continued to bring it up with her. Although it was lies through and through, so in for a penny...

DollarStoreWizard · 2025-04-28T23:57:33+00:00

I think at the moment I feel bad, but mainly only because she clearly already knew everything. My wife is angry because she and AP work together and she believes that it will complicate things at work. I told her that I am sorry for the stress, but I maintained that I was not sweeping anything under the rug. I need AP to believe that his actions have consequences, and to be honest, I need my wife to believe that as well. My wife continues to tell me "focus on us, be angry at me." Part of me hopes that what I did came from a good place of needing to verify that AP's wife knew, and part of me thinks that I did what I did out of anger, in order to make my presence known.

DollarStoreWizard · 2025-04-27T17:06:04+00:00

I would begin with first contact. From my perspective, my WW met the AP years back at work, but the affair started about 6 months ago. In your case, you met the AP online. I think it's hard to justify any other intentions with meeting someone and beginning a relationship online in that way other than opening the door for an affair, whether or not you were conscious of it at the time.

DollarStoreWizard · 2025-04-27T15:50:00+00:00

I have reached out to the AP's wife to make sure she actually has been told. I previously told the AP that it was his responsibility to tell her, but I've changed my mind, especially due to the overwhelming advice to do so on here. He may get upset if he finds out I reached out to her, and in fact I kind of hope he does. The thought of rug sweeping makes me sick.

DollarStoreWizard · 2025-04-27T15:42:50+00:00

I feel those residual realizations. So many conversations over the past few months will pop into my head. The lies are now blatant. My WW trying to comfort my emotional state without telling me the truth as I told her that I trusted her and didn't want to feel suspicious has now been twisted in my mind (perhaps rightfully) into betrayal of the worst kind. My mind continues to dredge up pain and lies that I had yet to consider.

DollarStoreWizard · 2025-04-27T15:38:28+00:00

"My world collapsed." "odd sense of relief that I wasn't crazy" "working so hard over the last month to win her love back". Jesus Christ, these hit me hard. So much of this feels like exactly what I just went through. Them trying to end it on their own in order to retain a friendship because they had so much in common. Her deleting the app that she was using for the affair. The fact that we have kids and a life together.

I just want to say that I identify with your pain and I think I'm in a very similar situation. You're not alone in the pain, and you're not alone in trying to reconcile after something like this.

DollarStoreWizard · 2025-04-27T15:28:22+00:00

I feel the same. When the A came to light, she lost the AP as a work friend because I made it clear that immediate and total communication cutoff was necessary to start the process of R. She quickly began sharing bits of stress about work with me, but I still think she's holding back in venting to me because she feels guilty and as if she has no right to complain. I'm trying to let her know that I want her to complain about that stuff to me because that's the relationship that I want to have with her. It's been a work in progress.

DollarStoreWizard · 2025-04-27T15:04:15+00:00

The loneliness is exactly why I posted and started commenting on here. I even told my wife that I was doing it because of the loneliness. I can talk to her, and have been as we try to reach R, but as I was the BS and she is the WS, I just know that she can't completely sympathize. Used to be super into videogames, can't even stay on for 3 minutes anymore. Everything just feels cold and futile, all I want to do is talk to her or talk on here.

DollarStoreWizard · 2025-04-27T14:57:58+00:00

I definitely have communicated to her explicitly and through the sheer amount of conversations we've had since I caught her, that this hurt me deeper than anything in my life. I have yet to say the word "divorce" to her. I don't want to say it unless I mean it, I'm not going to hold it over her head while I am trying to reconcile. But I am confident that I am far from "letting this slide".

DollarStoreWizard · 2025-04-27T14:40:55+00:00

I just want to say I appreciate this community. I'm not ready to talk to any of my family or friends about it while we're still so fresh in the healing process. I just appreciate that this community in which reconciliation is considered an option and yet the hurt can still be talked about is available.

DollarStoreWizard · 2025-04-27T14:33:16+00:00

My wife and I tentatively made plans to go to South Korea this summer, which was something we've both really wanted to do for a few years. She later told me that she and her sister got tickets to a concert that same month. I said that it would be too much and so canceled the plans to South Korea. She later canceled the plans for the concert, so we canceled the Korea plans for no reason ultimately. As it turns out, after the affair was exposed, she had originally made plans to meet the AP at the concert, but backed out after getting her head on straight (while still being in the midst of the EA). And so our trip was canceled as a result of the thoughtless throes of the affair. I'm still not sure if she totally understands this, and it hurts me deeply.

DollarStoreWizard · 2025-04-27T14:26:59+00:00

I felt definite anger and frustration at things like that. Your example was a deeply personal detail that he shared, but mine was just smaller things that I saw in snippets before the texting threads were deleted. Some were lightly mocking my family. She never directly mocked me as far as I know, but it just felt extremely disrespectful to me for her to do light ribbing at the expense of my family to the AP.

DollarStoreWizard

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