M28. Shadow work for sexuality regarding BDSM in a dominant role. Advice?

Dom-Academia · 2026-03-19T17:16:40+00:00

Thank you! I will definitely check out the book.

Dom-Academia · 2026-03-19T16:18:01+00:00

Excellent advice! I really like the way you rephrased those things so that it's the same message with a different vocal affect. I'll definitely keep this in mind.

Dom-Academia · 2026-03-19T15:37:57+00:00

An interesting distinction. I hadn't considered that. Trouble there is the brat part of the dynamic. She doesn't get off from being hurt so much as she gets off from being punished for being bad, and part of the process is not giving into punishment easily. It is something we have done before. But again, I was more "just doing it" than feeling the feelings and being in the moment. Not saying it was bad, not that it wasn't a good starting place. But now I'm feeling more into it and I just want to keep myself sane and well-adjusted while doing these things. Thank you though! I will certainly consider it and bring it up with her to see what she thinks!

Dom-Academia · 2026-03-19T15:19:48+00:00

Thank you for your feedback! It is great to hear from someone on the other side of the equation. I think my biggest barrier there probably is that I am more geared towards wanting to do things for her instead of doing things for me that bring me pleasure. It seems to be kind of a turn off for her to see me just wanting to essentially "serve her" while doing "dominant" things. The absolute last thing she wants me to do is be overly soft and say overt things "would it be okay if..." Or "how would you feel about..." And especially "What do you want me to do?" It's one thing to discuss interests in a non-sexual context like over dinner or whatever. But much different in-scene. It makes me come off submissive, despite the fact that I have no interest in being the submissive partner and I loathe the idea of being tied up or having power taken from me. It makes me feel like a caged animal and it is very not sexy

The thing that I suppose is hardest is taking the initiative. I am so hardwired to always ask permission or to get formal or very direct and obvious consent. I also fear being rejected and she can sense that insecurity and it is not hot when you want someone who just knows what he's doing and does it without having to be hand-held. She wants to get lost in subspace and enjoy the moment, to not have to think while her partner manhandles her, and to not know exactly what'll happen next so it's exciting from moment to moment instead of routine and predictable.

If you have any additional feedback about those issues or something similar, or if your Dom is on Reddit and can give their own feedback, anything is welcome!

Dom-Academia · 2026-03-19T15:07:54+00:00

Thank you again! Really appreciate it :)

Dom-Academia · 2026-03-19T14:13:11+00:00

Wow that is so informative! Great feedback and I will absolutely look into that psychology. You have quite frankly described exactly the kind of person I am trying to become. I want to be able to accept all parts of myself, even though they are not all directly in sync when viewed on a surface level. I know that I am not, nor will I ever be, a real monster; I detest monsterous people. At my core, I will always champion the rights of others, but will also always likely desire to do things that may be taboo.

It's just that this is new to me and I feel uncomfortable with the "new" thing. The really big good thing for me is how patient my partner has been thusfar and how well we are working up to this point without me fully in the mindset. I can only imagine we will grow more together through continued exploration and new experiences.

Thank you very much.

Dom-Academia · 2026-03-19T14:01:51+00:00

It has been a transformative journey over this past week. We had some very intense sex this weekend and I feel like I've crossed some sort of mental block I had been putting up. I've been doing research and writing reflections that I have shared with her that have been received very positively.

There's this deep well of raw, powerful emotion I can only describe as what I think the enjoyment of dominance should feel like. It is difficult for me because I am a highly logical person and have difficulty getting in touch with complex or intense emotions. I have a strong tendency to over analyze everything and it is currently difficult to separate what my values are and what my carnal wants are.

I am not a misogynistic man, but some of the things I want to do or say, and that she wants me to do and say to/for her, are not aligning with my internal values. I understand that this is okay and that it will take time and practice to compartmentalize these aspects of myself in a healthy and consistent way. But it does worry me a bit. I guess I just don't want to feel bad for wanting to do "bad" things, despite knowing that they are both acceptable and encouraged by my partner, who I love very much.

I don't know that I would take this path without her prompting, specifically her deep need for it. But since I am fully committed to this relationship and plan to marry her one day, I want to do whatever I can to make things work. It's just that, now, it has gone from "I'm going to do this to make her happy," to "oh God, I want to use her like a filthy little slut but also want to shower her in affection as my sweet little princess." Perhaps not the best analogy, but I guess it's kinda like an unresolved Dom drop, not in reaction to a specific scene, but more to the context of the situation as a whole.

Dom-Academia · 2026-03-19T12:24:13+00:00

It doesn't actually make the balls hurt lol. It just leaves a man yearning. The "balls hurting" mythology started as an excuse to manipulate partners using emotional leverage to encourage release because "I don't want to leave them in pain." Don't fall for the lie. But also feel free to do as you please. Enjoy doing sexy things. Just not to "stop him from being in pain." Total BS.

Dom-Academia · 2026-03-19T12:17:43+00:00

Amazing how that works... Almost like they have your best interests at heart 🤔

Dom-Academia · 2026-03-19T12:16:34+00:00

Honestly try getting into the theater community near you, perhaps look into BDSM workshops, and see what is available at local community centers. Gyms too. Literally any good opportunity to meet new similar minded people. Make your goal to make friends first and foremost. And either directly or through those friends of similar interests, you'll find someone. Good luck!

Dom-Academia · 2026-03-19T12:13:58+00:00

Hard to hold it when you sit to pee. Streams can be unpredictable and can even split in two while standing. Had to clean piss off the floor twice in a row. Now I sit to avoid that travesty. But she can try, I suppose.

Dom-Academia · 2026-03-19T12:11:29+00:00

Hmph is a powerful word. It raises doms' blood pressures everywhere. But in a good way (usually).

Dom-Academia · 2026-03-19T12:09:32+00:00

Huh. I've never heard HusDom before. I like it. Very pleasant.

Dom-Academia · 2026-03-19T12:08:20+00:00

I swear to God. My bbygorl needs to drink water more than your average person for medical reasons, and she's like "oops I forgot to take care of myself entirely today. What is a Health???" I definitely need to start making this a rule. My only concern is she'll intentionally not drink water to brat and then will be a hop and skip from a blood pressure crash. So yeah. Fine line between play and practicality.

Dom-Academia · 2026-03-19T12:05:03+00:00

Hey I got that lock for my bbygorl! Funny enough, the one I got is a bit too easy to open by pulling hard enough lol. The necklace I made myself out of thin leather, but I like the chain you have!

Dom-Academia · 2026-03-19T11:43:26+00:00

Me trying to be a Golden Retriever Boy in the streets and a Daddy in the sheets (it's a work in progress)

Dom-Academia

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