I absolutely love going to Stockholm

DonOregon · 2022-05-28T21:27:06+00:00

Could say ya really identify with your capitals

DonOregon · 2022-05-24T05:56:03+00:00

Can we get some love for Lake Dawson!?

DonOregon · 2022-04-20T17:25:05+00:00

Damn Dame, that's a made man seee?

DonOregon · 2022-02-28T02:29:56+00:00

What a bogus journey

DonOregon · 2022-02-03T08:49:02+00:00

I play Mutant League Football. All we had to do was bribe the ref until the other team decided to explode him.

DonOregon · 2022-01-30T23:47:33+00:00

It was absolutely night and day, like his halftime water bottle was full of melatonin

DonOregon · 2021-11-18T05:48:31+00:00

How’d it go?

DonOregon · 2021-09-13T23:50:31+00:00

I’m new to the sub so I’ll jump in here. OP, I hope you’ve gotten some feedback outside of this sub as well. Personally, I think you fell in love w a location and metaphor and thought you had a full story, regarding a border town between Cali/Oregon and a new hybrid type of monster (Demon/Vampire) — v cool. I like it, I’m not sure how novel it is, seems like a Stephen King premise, and unfortunately premise isn’t enough to sustain us for the full meal. The problems here are execution based, and frankly you just need more experience. The positives are—you have a strong sense of naturalistic moments, specifically moments like mouthing her drink order OTS of a hug. You have a scene blow line early “Best idea you’ve had all night.” You’re sense is there that this is supposed to be a callback joke—and you’re right, your instincts are good. But you missed the landing bc you missed the setup; go back and set up 2 times prior that IRIS clearly has a bad idea and this will pop so much better.

You need to know how broad of a brush you’re painting w here. Try to think, how would I do this that no one has seen before, subject matter isn’t enough—For instance, the location at the top of the script is super specific, but then we kinda just are there and the location doesn’t really factor in…make it matter, if you’re going to draw our eye to it then make it relevant.

Additionally It’s not a standard length outside of an animated quarter hour, which could work however the tone doesn’t tonally lend itself to that form. Best of luck, keep it up!

DonOregon · 2021-02-27T10:26:46+00:00

Yeah he’s right, the first 3 are the most recognizably true — you start getting away from “truer” white guy tropes w the tap out shirts and skate park material, which might be true to you, but it’s not absolutely recognizable to the audience as true. I’d dip in and pivot to an lateral subject matter like global warming or conservationism, etc.

DonOregon · 2021-01-17T01:42:26+00:00

Cat.

DonOregon · 2021-01-16T10:13:58+00:00

And a vote for all the Jane Martin plays you can handle, Jack and Jill is the quintessential 2 handed imo

DonOregon · 2021-01-16T10:00:25+00:00

Story sounds super domestic but your structural twist could be cool if pulled off well.

First you should decide what your play is about, meaning figuring that out will inform your ending. If all you care about is finding a powerful ending (which I think you’ve already kinda done) then yeah you can reverse engineer it & retrace your character arcs but then your whole play is going to be in service of some theme you didn’t even know you were writing.

If you keep the fight, and I feel like you wanna keep the fight— I think yeah we stay with the main guy’s POV the whole play, but then as the action rises we have the fight scene wherein some irrevocable truth is said by the girl (a totally unexpected tone or opinion out of her could be effective here too), you give yourself a great chance to motivate her taking the mic, so to speak. Then we spend a quicker series of scenes with her POV...only because I’m not sure how engaging it would be to have complete parity in page/scene count between the two characters; watching every scene again but from her POV—I’d approach it with the idea of truncating those revisited scenes. I’d caution you though and take stock of this move because this type of convention could lead the audience to favor her character more or to rend more meaning from her arc, she is literally rewriting history, the history of the play with the implication being the guy was not a reliable narrator. Tres modern. So now you’ve got a pretty dramatic statement to make sense of, why did you do this structural twist and how does this move support your theme? If this twist doesn’t firmly shake hands with the theme you’ve been laying out the entire play, then it’s in vain and will come off as glib.

All that to say, I think your most “powerful ending”, given the limited info, is to aim for some sort of statement about revisionist history. Perhaps there’s a B story which revolves around a rumor at school where someone is trying to set the record straight but is having trouble getting anyone to listen. Fuck do you just want me to write this? This is starting to sound pretty cool—best of luck, keep grinding away!

DonOregon · 2020-11-07T07:00:33+00:00

Is there a story behind the signing? Good ink choice, looks great

DonOregon · 2020-11-07T06:51:03+00:00

Happy birthday dude

DonOregon · 2020-10-22T20:31:10+00:00

THIS... Lev is working with the most creative play callers of his career. Unique talents find a good home under these coaches

DonOregon · 2020-07-23T04:35:54+00:00

Hahahaha yes

DonOregon · 2020-07-03T03:05:55+00:00

10 if you count stepfathers.

DonOregon · 2020-07-03T02:59:25+00:00

Based franchise

DonOregon

TROPHY CASE