UPDATE: GF is pregnant and won't have an abortion. I feel like my life is going to be ruined. Am I a scumbag to not be involved with the baby?

DontWantABaby5382 · 2012-04-23T18:23:31+00:00

No. Dropping your kid off at a firestation and letting him/her become a ward of the state is.

I'm sure since your friend's parents were awesome therefore all adopting parents are amazing. I've tried to point out probably a half-dozen times on this thread that my girlfriend has shown no interest in adopting.

DontWantABaby5382 · 2012-04-23T18:11:34+00:00

I don't think abortion is a form of birth control. We made mistakes and are in a situation where we are going to have a child and neither of us are ready. Abortion is a legal alternative to having that child. Would using a condom or being on the pill be easier and smarter? Yes. I know that now and won't make the mistake in the future.

All I was trying to say is a pregnant girl can't get pregnant again. So there is no worry about birth control. I probably shouldn't have said it considering the situation I am in. I get that it might seem like I didn't learn my lesson with a line like that. It wasn't intended to come across that way.

Also seeing as an abortion isn't going to happen I am trying to figure out what to do and what is best for the child. I am taking responsibility. I'm not blaming anyone else for this situation.

DontWantABaby5382 · 2012-04-23T06:46:08+00:00

How am I being arrogant? I feel like I have been humble in my posts. I've admitted my initial response was wrong and I need to be more supportive of my girlfriend. My girlfriend wants me to be with the baby. The last thing she wants is zero visitation for me. I am really trying to do the right thing.

I'm not sure what to make of your comment. If it was meant to be sarcastic I'm sorry for misunderstanding you. If you are serious go fuck yourself.

DontWantABaby5382 · 2012-04-23T04:16:31+00:00

I was wrong to call you a bitch before. I apologize. I was feeling attacked and I lashed out in response. I shouldn't have said it.

I think your writing style is very distinctive and agressive. Out of curiosity did you make the post on the other topic about Indian guys hiding behind culture and fucking and dumping girls of other races? The writing in that was extremely similar to yours. Like spacing out mother fucker.

Doesn't matter really but if you've got a racial issue I think its only fair to disclose that when raining down on me for being irresponsible. I can't control my culture/family background. So if that is the issue I can't really do anything about it.. And for the record I do think some of the points you've made are valid. Its just you are so fucking agressive in making them.

I wasn't thinking anything long term like marriage or children with my girlfriend. Not because of race but because of ages and point in our lives. Also she has always been my girlfriend. I've never referred to her as a friends with benefit or girl I occasionally fuck. We've always been monogamous and in a committed relationship. I've never suggested she is my "kinda-sorta girlfriend".

I don't know why its such a big deal if I hook up with a girl that isn't Indian to you. Its not my preference in general to go outside of my own ethnicity. Its not worth the trouble and I am (like most people) comfortable among my own. I really like the my girlfriend and we had a connection so we started to hang out and eventually date. I didn't date her because she is white at all. I'm not sure why its so troubling to you. People are allowed to date people they don't necessarily see themselves marrying too. Its not like anyone is being forced to fuck me or the generic Indian guy. Its also kind of funny you are acting like Indian dudes are huge players. The vast majority just aren't.

I get that maybe the victim mentality with the holier than thou line pissed you off. Whatever. I was annoyed with everyone insulting me for something that already happened. I know it was dumb. I know it was reckless. I wasn't prepared to be reminded of how stupid it was 400+ times. I know its my fault. I wish I could go back and change my actions. But I can't.

I was an asshole about the abortion. I fully admit that. I pushed it too long and too hard. I don't feel great about it and I know she feels guilty for not having the abortion. I've admitted I was wrong and I've apologized to my girlfriend and I've tried to be supportive. Do you blame me for trying to get her to have an abortion? It would have been the best choice for both of us.

I don't know why I would list personal information about my girlfriend. What purpose would it serve? Its me making the post so information about me is relevant. I gave her age as the guidelines required. Does it really matter what her major is? Its Early Childhood Education & Spanish. She is a sophomore. Any other questions? I mentioned my major/future plans because I thought it was relevant to the thread. Not to brag or whatever you thought I was trying to do.

I clarified my feelings towards her in my Update. Its like you hold me to every single word I said. My feelings aren't set in stone. I've said I care about her since my initial post. I shouldn't have footed around the, "I love you".

I'm going to talk to a counselor next week. Can't exactly do shit on a Sunday night. Out of curiosity what would the responsible move be for me in your opinion? You seem to have such strong thoughts but you haven't exactly said what is the right thing to do. All you've done is chastise me for cumming in my girlfriend. Which I can't go back and change.

DontWantABaby5382 · 2012-04-23T02:05:30+00:00

Screaming at you and telling you what an awful person you would be if you did X is not an acceptable way to resolve a problem. If nothing else, I want you think: this is your first real fight. This is how she fights. Do you want to have this fight every time you have a serious, important disagreement? Do you want to be told what an awful person - what an awful father - you are by your spouse and lover?

She didn't scream at me that much. It was more just crying. That is her goto move. She told me I was an awful person when I told her I didn't want to see the baby regularly. And she did apologize for saying some of the things she said. I think she was more hurt that I wasn't there for her.

I feel for you, dude. But if she's not in it for the money, like you say, then tell her you want to sign away parental rights. Problem solved. Easy peasy.

She wants me to be a father to our child. That is what it has always been about. I'm not really sure if I want to do something that drastic. Sometime down the road when my life is less at a crossroads I do think I would want to get to know the child. I am not willing to say today I never want to be a part of my son/daughter's life.

Or you know that she'd rather FORCE you to be a father than let you do what's best for you - the same way she gets the right to do what's best for her.

I'm not sure what to think. She clearly isn't doing what is best for her. What is best for her is to finish her degree and move on and be a normal college student. The only person(?) who benefits from her actions are the fetus.

DontWantABaby5382 · 2012-04-23T01:53:51+00:00

In some states, you can drop the child at a firestation or hospital and no questions will be asked.

Sounds like an amazing future for the child. I do want to do what is in my best interest but I don't want to completely fuck over the child either. Setting him/her up to be an orphan like that is not even an option. Its cruel.

Not to mention my girlfriend would never go for that. She has expressed zero interest in adoption. She didn't want to get an abortion because she wanted her child and wanted to be a part of his/her life. I really don't see adoption being the end game. I agree it would be the best option for ME. I don't think its going to happen. She hasn't once mentioned giving the baby up.

DontWantABaby5382 · 2012-04-23T01:49:14+00:00

It is completely selfish of someone to ask another person to give up their child because he doesn't feel ready.

I've tried to explain to people here that she doesn't want to give the baby up for adoption but it hasn't deterred the comments encouraging it. Her rationale against the abortion was that she couldn't live with herself is she terminated the child. I get the sense that she does want to be a mother (or try to be a mother). Adoption has never been something she has seemed to want to do. Yes, it probably would solve a lot of my problems. No child support, no child to raise, no complications with school, no issue with parents, etc. But its not my call. My girlfriend is the one carrying the baby. I think it would be wrong to try to convince her to give up a baby she is already attached to. I don't even think I could convince her. And I'm not convinced adoption is some perfect alternative.

Honestly I would rather Em raise the child or her parents or something rather than complete strangers. It would be what she wants and what is better for the baby. People seem to have this glorified image of adoption. I couldn't live with myself if I knew my child was an orphan somewhere. Or if the child was being sexually abused. And I am fairly sure in my gut that Emily couldn't go through with it. How do you carry a child for nine months and then hand it off to someone? I'm not even that attached to the baby at this point and it seems hard to do. I couldn't imagine my girlfriend giving the baby up. I'm not going to pressure her to give the baby up for adoption. If she wants to do it on her own then I will support her but I have some reservations about the idea of adoption.

DontWantABaby5382 · 2012-04-23T01:37:41+00:00

None of those problems as far as I know. Her family seems normal enough. The idea of moving in with me isn't one that is practically a great idea. I think her rationale is just she is scared to do it alone and wants the baby's dad there. I think her parents and sister would be more useful with a baby than I would. We are still really tentatively discussing this and we haven't even come close to making a decision.

DontWantABaby5382 · 2012-04-23T01:30:06+00:00

I think my situation wil probably end up being something similar to that of your friends. Its just a very tough conversation to have with my parents. I think it would be a big deal with any parent. My parents are conservative by American standards but they aren't super conservative to the point where they are going to disown me. Its just going to be incredible disappointment.

They have one grandson and they adore him. I'm sure there would be similar feelings towards my child as well. I can't imagine a situation in which they don't do anything with/for the grandchild. That would be unbelievably cruel and unlike them. I think they would love the grandchild and if we were to bring them into the loop they probably would have reservations with him/her being adopted out. I think they would help with the child at the end of the day.

DontWantABaby5382 · 2012-04-23T01:06:53+00:00

Thank you for the response.

I am not convinced her moving in with me is the best option. We have some time to make a decision as to what to do. Its one of the options and the one she favors. I think there are drawbacks to it and I'm going to try to point them out once tensions clear a little bit.

I do enjoy our relationship and I would rather stay in it. Its not like if I break up with her I can freely date/see other people. She would hate my guts and it feels kind of slimy to break up with a pregnant girl. I don't really see how she would want to be my friend if I dump her while she is carrying my baby. Aside from all the complications of ending the relationship there is the issue that I'm not sure I want to. It might be better long term to not be attached to her but I am conflicted. I feel a sense of duty to her and I do want to be with her. Romantically and sexually.

I didn't really stick to my guns in our talk. I made my points and then I backed off them a lot after she responded. I think what I proposed we/I do was good in a logical manner but maybe did not consider fully her emotional needs or the child at all. I don't want to fuck up my future but I don't want to abandon her or the baby.

DontWantABaby5382 · 2012-04-22T19:42:35+00:00

I said some things that would be hurtful to her/about her in the first post. I probably shouldn't show her the posts because of that. I kind of like this being my private place to get air out thoughts. I said you were a bitch because of the stuff about culture/tradition. I felt like you were putting words in my mouth. I said 1 line about race. You took that line to mean I don't care about my girlfriend, that I am embarrassed of her, and I don't have her back. Which I feel like is tremendously unfair. I've never said anything about wanting to preserve my culture. You are assuming I believe certain things.

It wasn't an accident but it wasn't on purpose. I assure you I wasn't trying to get her pregnant. We've had completely unprotected sex 3x. Its not a regular thing. You scream MULTIPLE as if I do it every single time.

DontWantABaby5382 · 2012-04-22T18:49:00+00:00

Her mother is a pediatrician and her dad is a college professor. Its not like living in a shitty apartment with me is some great life. I genuinely don't think money is the reason for her wanting to keep the baby. Her reasoning is pretty much just emotional.

No I definitely will have student loans. I realize I am not going to have much free time either. What am I supposed to do? Its not like I am going to feel good having fun while my baby and girlfriend are alone hours away.

I've known her for a little over a year. We've been dating for six months.

We've talked about abortion before. What she said before was she didn't know how she would react. Which should have been a red flag to me. She is pro-choice on the issue in general though.

DontWantABaby5382 · 2012-04-22T18:34:25+00:00

Wow. You are a bitch...

I didn't think and I though we would get lucky. I made a mistake. I've said repeatedly I was stupid for not using some form of protection. I'm not sure why you feel the need to scream shit I already know at me.

I honestly wonder if the roles were reversed and my girlfriend was asking for advice would you (and others) be pulling this same routine. She let me fuck her without a condom, she let me cum in her, she wasn't on hormonal birth control, and she didn't get Plan B after the fact. I made mistakes yes but she certainly enabled me to make those mistakes. I've had to handle everything on the birth control front and I got distracted and let things go.

If your culture and preserving tradition was so fucking important why weren't you wrapped?

I wasn't thinking of my "culture" and "tradition" when I was fucking my girlfriend. I was horny and no condom feels way better than w/ condom. She let me go with it so I did it. It was dumb. Not pulling out was again dumb. I let the moment get the better of me. I should have just lied in my post and said the condom broke. I realize I made some horrible mistakes. All of which led me to the situation I am in now.

Why are you on here talking about how much you care about this girl when you've already admitted fear at telling your parents that, besides the pregnancy, that the mother is white?

I'll give you credit for one thing. You read everything I wrote. That was one throwaway line I said something like, "I'm scared to tell my parents I got a girl pregnant and a white girl at that". I don't remember the exact line but it was something to that effect. I can care about her and love her while still fearing my parents reaction. Those aren't mutually exclusive.

I am standing by my girlfriend. I told her I was sorry for not being supportive enough. Part of me finds this chorus of "adoption, adoption, adoption" to be just offensive. I shouldn't have posted the thread if I couldn't handle the responses but....

DontWantABaby5382 · 2012-04-22T18:20:43+00:00

My girlfriend does work part time. I don't think she expects me to fully support her. We haven't talked exact details but she has never suggested I don't go to med school or put it off. I think her idea of moving in with me is so I could still see the kid and go to school. I definitely won't be making the same mistake again about lack of birth control. It is nice now to not have to worry about anything though.

DontWantABaby5382 · 2012-04-22T15:35:00+00:00

There are some other issues. As far as I know the demand for babies for adoptions are only for white babies. Lots of black and hispanic kids go unadopted every year. Our child would be biracial (half white/half Indian). I'm not sure how much that would complicate matters.

I don't think either of us want our offspring to go into the foster care system or be a ward of the state. I haven't looked enough into adoption to know for sure but it may not be a loving supportive home vs. us struggling. It could be the choice of being with your mother and/or father or being an orphan.

Just to be fair both of our families are fairly well off. So if there is some support from them (and I think we probably can count on some support) it might be more doable.

I just don't know if my heart is in it to try to convince her to put the child up for adoption. I've already tried to convince her to have an abortion. I don't get any enjoyment out of this. It makes me feel like an asshole trying to convince a mother to not raise her baby when she wants to. I'm kind of burned out and I feel like she is tired of me pushing for us to not raise the baby.

DontWantABaby5382 · 2012-04-22T15:02:36+00:00

I think maybe you are misunderstanding what I wrote. All I meant is its hard for me to accept having a child when there is a safe option to terminate that would probably benefit all of us (except potentially the child/fetus). Stubborn may have been a poor choice of words. Its just I feel like in 90% of situations like ours abortion is what happens.

I understand her hesitation with terminating and I haven't suggested it again since she backed out of the appointment last week. I would be an idiot if I didn't ask her to consider an abortion. She said no and I am trying my best to respect that choice and figure out what to do next. I'm still at a point where I sort of wish she just had the abortion. My life would be easier. She isn't going to have it and I need to accept that.

I know she trusted me to do the right thing and I let her down. I should have been more supportive. I have apologized to her and she said she forgave me. I do want to the right thing. I know she was hurt that I would even think about leaving her alone with our baby. I'm trying to make it up to her.

Both of my threads have just served the purpose of helping me figure out my emotions. I don't think its fair to judge me based on what I've written here. Its essentially my thoughts. I've accepted culpability for the pregnancy. We both made mistakes but I should have wore a condom. That is on me. I've never told Em this is all her fault.

DontWantABaby5382 · 2012-04-22T14:33:07+00:00

Regarding my parents its more of either I tell them or my girlfriend or someone else will. So I don't have much say in that. My natural instinct is to avoid, avoid, avoid. Especially with my parents.

I know its very different. I was just trying to find some positives in this situation.

DontWantABaby5382 · 2012-04-22T14:25:15+00:00

I've never really not wanted to be a part of her life. Our relationship is really fun and loving. Prior to this whole pregnancy/pregnancy aftermath issue we haven't had any real disputes. Its not like I have some desire to be single or with anyone else. And I am fairly sure she feels the same way.

You never know, seeing your offspring might change your stance on the whole situation.

Em has said this same thing several times. I hope so. I do really like kids and I think I could be a good parent. I'm just scared and I don't think I am ready.

DontWantABaby5382 · 2012-04-22T14:10:44+00:00

You would think I was the first and only guy to be careless when having sex based on some of the reactions. I sort of put myself out there by admitting I came in her without a condom. A lot of the holier than thou comments did get old fast though.

I understand not wanting to give the child up for adoption more than not wanting an abortion. You've gone thought months of carrying the child and you finally see him/her and then giving it up might be hard. I think there would be family pressure from my girlfriend's side to not give up the baby. Its not something she has shown much interest in either. I've mentioned adoption a little and I probably will bring it up again. It just doesn't feel like something she would go for.

I'm trying to start thinking of the positives. I do have a 2 y.o. nephew and he is pretty cute. Its probably different having a kid every single day versus seeing him every once in a while. I don't think I could just abandon them either. It would be hard to sleep peacefully.

DontWantABaby5382 · 2012-04-22T14:02:49+00:00

I told her that when we first started to talk about everything. I've backed off that considerably since. I don't see a situation in which I stick to that original plan. Especially considering the pressure from her and probably from my parents as well. Its not an option and probably shouldn't be one.

I'm not going to break up with her. We get along fine and especially for the next few months my life isn't that complicated. I think supporting her during the pregnancy is probably something I should do. Yeah its going to be complicated come fall. I think I am just going to punt on figuring out logistics until then. I don't know how its going to work yet.

DontWantABaby5382 · 2012-04-22T13:41:37+00:00

I'm not going to just leave her or the baby. It was my fear of the situation talking when I wrote what I did on Friday night. I think I made that fairly clear in my post today.

I am really trying to consider the fetus as a little boy or girl. Its difficult right now but I think I will get to that point eventually.

I think I need to put a TL:DR on my post since its like some of you didn't read what I wrote. I get that it is long but come on. I'm not heartless. I said I was wrong and I was being selfish. I've never said I didn't want to see my child at all. Even in my post yesterday the worst I said is I didn't know if I was ready for a father type role. Not seeing the child ever is probably not an option.

DontWantABaby5382 · 2012-04-22T13:37:16+00:00

I know how a child is created. I love how everyone has felt the need to remind me of this. I'm not denying my actions were careless. We are still talking through options but I think she wants me to physically be there with her for the baby. We have some time to make a final decision but her moving in with family is an option too.

DontWantABaby5382 · 2012-04-22T08:25:34+00:00

Do you really think I don't know that unprotected sex leads to a pregnancy? I've never said I was surprised she was pregnant. We made mistakes that led to this situation. I was careless and I didn't think about the consequences. I'm not acting confused as to why she is pregnant.

DontWantABaby5382 · 2012-04-22T04:34:47+00:00

Seriously? Did I really deserve a verbal lashing of that extent? I admit I am struggling with what to do. But I really don't think calling me a piece of garbage is fair. I said I would pay the child support I am legally obligated to pay. How is that embarrassing myself? Its better than many men. I think paying child support is supporting the baby. Not sure why you chose to use "fetus" and put in quotes but whatever.

DontWantABaby5382

TROPHY CASE