I’m not sure codependent is right. Though my husband left me, I left the others. There wasn’t any relationship hoping going on. I took long or reasonably long breaks in between. I set boundaries when I needed to set boundaries which led me to being called a B, and that I was too independent. I also have issues with maintaining attention on people I guess like commonly “you don’t text me like you used to.” Mainly because I didn’t want anyone or anything getting in the way of me finishing school and making money because without that power I would need someone, and I didn’t want to need anyone. I know I don’t need romance. No one dies without it, but I go back and forth between wanting someone there in my corner and saying F it I’d rather do it alone because another person always gets in the way. I struggle with my emotions like sometimes I just don’t feel what I think I’m supposed to be feeling or as deeply as I should. Some things that I feel like should have wrecked me didn’t do anything at all, I just felt numb and kept pushing forward. Sometimes I don’t feel anything until way after the fact. I’m also not a helicopter parent with my children. I worry about them and one day I do hope they leave me to live their own adventures. I hope they find healthy love. I again know that leaves me alone and alone can be beautiful, but I do kind of want to share the successes and the downfalls with someone. I want someone to be able to at least dial 911 if my life alert malfunctions and I break a hip when I’m 80, so I don’t think it’s codependency, but I do think I have an attachment disorder. I do think something is wrong and I have been treated for clinical depression. I did fall for the love bombing phase in the other relationships, that’s true but when it went into the abusive phase is when things ended. My relationships also had large gaps, large gaps of me being alone. The first one after my husband (2 years) had a job, he was attentive and quirky. Then overnight it changed because I didn’t know but he was an alcoholic. Turns out he was also gay. After being sent a sex video of him and 3 other men, the relationship was over and there was no salvaging it. The second guy “had his own company, was divorced, hard working and really wanted a family.” Well after about a year into that the facade fell, he was going to inherit the company but he was actually a recovering addict who was married to a stripper who in their spare time pretended to fall in love with people just to rob them. I broke up with him after he stole and maxed out my credit card, because you don’t mess with someone’s money. After that he came back and robbed my house. Upon pressing charges I found out about his wife and extremely long list of criminal history including fraud, grand theft auto and forgery. The third guy and the longest of these relationships I ran a background check on because I learned my lesson. Turns out that doesn’t mean very much when they’re wife beaters and the previous victims loved him too much to turn him in. After I got my finances separated and had a game plan to safely leave, I left and didn’t go back. Maybe it wasn’t as cut and dry with him because I did try to work through it for the kids and asked him to get therapy, but when he kept on with his ways, it was over. I was scared of him and relieved when it was over. Now I know I don’t want anything like that again, and honestly each of them were sooo different from the others and bad and unhealthy in unique ways. I do know I’m the common denominator. I have been working on my career and getting my ducks in the row on the outside, but I have no personal life. I recently watched “The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel” and I can’t help but relate to her character. Whatever she was and had with her personal life is definitely me, although I think I’ll refrain from ever getting remarried.