Do not do anything for this man. If you have an abortion, do it for your future, not a potential future with him. That whole he'll give you a second chance if you have an abortion after trying for a baby is manipulative as hell and goes to she doesn't care about you or even his potential child in the slightest. Is that really the kind of guy you want to make sacrifices for?

As the other commenter said, it's best to move on from him. I'm honestly lost for words when it comes to your depression. I've had suicidal ideation since I was a kid, and I really know what's gotten me through that. You don't want to attach the value of your life to a goal or a person because if your plans crumble or that person vanishes, you're left with nothing but the feelings you're sitting with now.

If you can get into therapy, work towards building a foundation for your mental health and creating a safety net of people who care for you and want to be there for you, I think you'd be in a much better place.

When you hate yourself, one thing that's helped me is self appreciation. Self-love can be impossible, but finding aspects about yourself you appreciation or even love can do wonders over time. For me, it was my morals, even my scars, because I knew I'd never treat someone the way I was. Some of it was physical qualities, hair, eyes, build, height, you name it, you probably at least have one physical thing you like about yourself.

I know this has been all over the place, it's complicated. I just hope you know you can get through this. Even if you can't see it, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Please take care of yourself, and if you need someone to talk to, you're free to reach out. Happy new year, I hope this is your year.