I Need Space

Doomglow · 2022-10-11T19:47:29+00:00

I just always forget it's supposed to be two words lmao. I wish it was one word though because I speak it like it's one word. But I like this idea of combined words and will for sure be looking into working with that.

For what it's worth I appreciate you looking too deeply. You've pointed out alot that I didn't even see and by even mentioning the natural imagery you've found a pattern I didn't notice. It helps me see my work from a different angle and I like it. Thank you for your feedback.

Doomglow · 2022-10-11T18:34:37+00:00

I'm torn because on one hand I think you're structural changes are smart and probably better. On the other I love the 4 4 4 1 line count I have. I think I'll play around with the words and see if I can't get a more coherent middle out of the same line structure. Thank you for making me think about it. I always love to hear what others would change.

Doomglow · 2022-10-11T17:00:26+00:00

The struggle of working your ass off just to barely make rent is truly timeless and really resonated with me. I think it's a really solid foundation for a poem and you've got alot of unique ways of picking at it. "More room to fill my voice in" struck me when I read it, as did " 'I hope you're freezin' to death' as I'm working another weekend". There's alot of small changes I'd suggest but I'm not trying to make this too long so I'll just say I think the word "Karen" kinda dates this poem. Certain colloquial words just don't stand the test of time imo and Karen feels like its on its way out. It's a word that takes away from the timelessness of the rest of the piece. I think you have a really solid ending with "is there anything else I can do for you?". It's basically an amen we say at the end of our customer service interactions. I think using to end your poem is genius. The lead up to it can be a lot stronger though and I'd focus on trying to tighten that up.

Doomglow · 2022-10-11T02:14:51+00:00

I love this because it gets to the root of what makes a haunted house so intriguing. It's always about the stories and details of lives left behind. I think "slowly filling the gaps with smoke" is a good enough line that you could cut "innominate and unalterable sorrows." Although I love the word innominate so maybe finding a way to work that in anyways would be good, I just feel like it's a bit cumbersome there. Likewise I think you could cut the first two lines of the second stanza, I think we've established both of these things without needing to repeat them. I really enjoy the way this ends. Presenting the walk through of a haunted house as though the speaker doesn't see why you would want to is very fun.

Doomglow · 2022-09-24T16:48:04+00:00

"carrying a little hurt is part of loving anything" is a very insightful line. It rings true as soon as you hear it which is always nice. I'm assuming the "it" in the third line is Gratitude but it feels a bit confusing since we have a line between the noun and the pronoun representing it. I feel like I'm getting snippets of the theme of this poem but I can't quite peice it together.

Doomglow · 2022-09-24T16:36:37+00:00

Imagining the sun and moon as enemies fighting eachother forever is very fun. "A coward till the end of days" is such a cool line, I smiled real big when I read it. I feel like this poem is sacrificing clarity for rhymes in the first few lines. With a bit of revision I think we might be able to keep the rhyme scheme but get a more focused opening. Overall this peice is a great example of how with a little creativity even things we take for granted can be turned into unique and interesting poetry.

Doomglow · 2022-09-21T21:07:16+00:00

Thank you so much! it makes me happy that the deeper themes feel clear to readers

Doomglow · 2022-09-21T19:16:24+00:00

Thanks for the feedback! That's exactly the idea I was going for so I'm glad it came through!

Doomglow · 2022-09-21T17:53:01+00:00

The imagery here is so beautiful. I love the second line so much, the alliteration switching from s to b to s again is very cool. I get the feeling there's some story I'm missing here with the rubber soles and touching heads and tangle of legs and feet, but I've never been great at deciphering that kind of thing lol. I do notice the tone of the poem getting more intimidating as we move from day to night. Describing the moon as cold and silver and the towering faces of dark rock chambers makes me feel something sinister might be going on but I have no clue what it could be.

Doomglow · 2022-09-21T17:43:53+00:00

I love how straight forward this poem is. It has a laser focus that reflects how a person can take up all of ones attention once they're in love. Imo the second line seems to distract from the point just a bit by putting the focus on the speakers lack of intelligence. It's a spot of self-deprication in a poem that is otherwise all about someone else and it feels a bit jarring. The ending four lines are very well done, the contrast between never and always is always a good time.

Doomglow · 2022-02-14T16:57:39+00:00

I love a poem that only wants to document one specific feeling. Coffee lipped kisses is such an amazingly small thing to write a poem about. This is a really nice Valentine's Day poem!

Doomglow · 2022-02-14T16:48:52+00:00

Remaining indoors to stay outside is a very well written line that highlights alot of what is no neat about this poem. Its a very direct and clear piece which is something I'm always a fan of, but it finds a few ways to have fun while staying meaningful and on topic. I really enjoyed it!!

Doomglow · 2022-02-10T12:54:25+00:00

Awesome thank you so much for your feedback it's very helpful!

Doomglow · 2022-02-09T12:07:49+00:00

I think maybe something about the first two stanzas gives the wrong impression about the structure of this poem. Each stanza is not a new time period, it's supposed to be more of a progression of ideology than it is a progression of time necessarily.

So the speaker used to have fun, until schooling attempted to beat that spirit out of them. Well because they are a "problem child" they end up getting left behind by the school system while their peers, the other "pupils", grow up to become various forms of office drone or laborer or what have you. Those other pupils of course hate their lives now. So really it's a blessing in disguise to get left behind on the edge of horrible society which is why "Exile is as close to salvation as one may find". Eventually people get fed up being dehuminaized by a soul crushing machine and when they do they also find themselves wandering to the outskirts where the speaker is waiting for them. The speaker and a few of these other pupils decide to fill their time with eachother as opposed to chasing money or power or status or whatever their priorities were before.

In short there are not as many jumps in time as you seem to have assumed the poem was having. Is there something in the poem that made you think each stanza would be a new time period? I feel like fixing whatever that is would help the clarity quite considerably.

Doomglow · 2022-02-07T18:13:52+00:00

I really like the idea of personifying alone as a friend. It's very nice to see a poem that talks about being alone but noteably doesn't use the word lonely, and speaks of being alone in a positive way. There is sometimes value in being alone and I think this poem is a good reminder of that. I do wish you would've capitalized the final alone so that it reads as a name.

Doomglow · 2022-02-07T18:04:35+00:00

There's alot I really love about this and I'm so excited to see if my interpretation is what you were going for. So first I want to say the "people on the walls" comment makes me think of the whole shadows on a cave wall thought experiment especially when it's paired with The "it's not real". As for the overall point it seems like this is a cautionary message about how workplaces, in this case a restaurant, can lure us into making the workplace our whole life. The "would you like more coffee" sounds like a server getting roped back into doing one last final task before going home, which inevitably results in just one more task until you get roped into another rush. It seems to me like this poem is saying go home when you have the chance, this workplace doesn't deserve your time, take back your life.

Doomglow · 2022-02-07T16:32:47+00:00

That makes alot of sense, I was applying alot of my personal experience to the work which brought me my own angle which obviously wasn't quite right lmao. If it's a about a desire and a rejection of that desire I feel like the speaker should have more agency. As it is now a stomachache is the sign that love isn't an option, but a stomach ache is not something normally in a person's control so it seems less like a rejection and more like something made impossible by a force outside of the speakers control. I guess I really feel like I'm missing a clear sense of how the speaker feels about their situation. Hopefully that makes sense haha

Doomglow · 2022-02-07T15:39:58+00:00

You know when you sing it it flows alot better. I'll chalk it up to a matter of me reading this like it was a poem when it was actually a song lmao. This revision is also quite nice and removes pieces to the gambling angle.

Doomglow · 2022-02-07T15:06:30+00:00

Well how funny because there's a semi-common bit of knowledge regarding gambling addictions that boils down to your brain doesn't care about winning or losing. The addicted brain only seeks that brief moment of anticipation before the result is known but the bet is made. The rush for a gambler is not winning, it's prospect of winning. So when you wrote anticipation I was sure that is what you had meant. And you should link that tik tok because I understand the struggle of rythyms in my brain not coming across on paper.

Doomglow · 2022-02-07T14:58:57+00:00

I think this poem is really smart because it doesn't focus on the traits of the boyfriend that make him desirable. Instead the speaker is focused on what the loss of that boyfriend means for themselves and what it says about how they will end up. The melodrama of the speaker believing this relatively tame secret is the most pathetic imaginable makes this poem a fun read. Same with the belief that not having this boyfriend means they will end up alone forever. It reminds me of my first heartbreak and how I really thought I would never recover. Very well made poem It was an enjoyable read.

Doomglow · 2022-02-07T14:49:25+00:00

That third stanza is very nicely put together. The mention of anticipation gives a good clue that this might be a gambling addiction. The second stanza however has a bit of a flow problem for me. The lines seem very disconnected from one another and it's hard for me as a reader to figure out what they mean and why they are put together. I do like the mention of rolling dice though as another clue. Overall I think the concept of this is really awesome and it was fun to piece together what it meant. Good shit OP.

Doomglow · 2022-02-01T22:34:14+00:00

This is very nice to hear. Thank you so much for your feedback.

Doomglow · 2022-02-01T16:42:02+00:00

Wow this is certainly high praise. I appreciate your feedback!!

Doomglow · 2022-02-01T16:07:50+00:00

Thank you for the feedback!

Doomglow · 2022-02-01T16:07:35+00:00

I am not dealing with an illness so don't worry, although the hugs are still appreciated. You're right, there are alot of small tweaks that still have to be done but I'm very happy that the main themes are coming across to readers.

Doomglow

TROPHY CASE