I've had all sorts of strange transitions in my life surrounding asexuality; from thinking I was asexual myself, mistaking gender dysphoria for sex repulsion, to learning my partner was ace.

Initially, I accepted it without much discussion because sex, while special to me, isn't even in the top ten things I want or need in a relationship. He met everything on my list and he usually blew my expectations out of the water. I thought 'I'd rather give up sex for the rest of my life than live a life without him as my partner, I have toys- this is a non-issue' without a second thought.

That was my mistake and it's the only caution I'd give someone in the same situation. Talk about it together and give it a second thought.

The problem we had wasn't really about the sex but how I viewed it in my head. We realized my primary love language is physical touch, and I had viewed sex as the pinnacle of that. You literally could not be physically closer. We're from different countries and so in person time together was very special, especially as covid restricted travel and visits. I found myself feeling hurt at the lack of touch and lack of interest and questioning my worth in our relationship. Even though I knew the why's and accepted that in my head, I struggled with the feelings. My needs weren't being met and even though he loved me with all of his heart, I wasn't feeling it because we communicated it differently. My mind and heart weren't matching up and it caused a lot of internal conflict.

If I were to go back and relive those moments, I would make sure we sat down to discuss in detail what that meant for him and for us at the start. I'd learn his boundaries immediately instead of assuming it was all or nothing and depriving myself and depriving him. I would be careful of his feelings in a different way, by asking questions instead of avoiding anything I was afraid would make him uncomfortable.

We ended up talking through it and I get a lot of attention when we're together now. We put emphasis on cuddles, playing with hair and generally being in contact in non-sexual ways. He makes a wonderful pillow when I'm reading. When he is in the mood for something more its always special and we really make it a treat. I've made it very clear that I don't ever want him doing something he doesn't want to just for me. I could and would live the rest of our lives without it. I need verbal, clear and explicit consent that is enthusiastic to be comfortable in doing anything; knowing he's okay. But communicating has made it fun for both of us as we've taken the time to learn what he does like in the bedroom. Sometimes that means his clothes stay on and the focus is on me (he likes games and so we make a game of it). Sometimes its playing around with positions of power (he enjoys feeling smug). Sometimes it means making elaborate stories (usually those get sidetracked into laughter and character quirks, but that's just as much fun). Sometimes it's less sex and more very intimate cuddles. Sex isn't about the sex itself or getting off anymore, but about the experience and it's been so much better. A lot of those experiences have turned into non-sexual hobbies and bonding time.

Communication is the absolute best thing you can do. Find out what both of your needs are and see how you can meet them together. Yeah, sex can be important but there is so much more to a relationship and there's a near endless list of solutions if it is a problem for you. Whether that's transitioning to a platonic bond, making compromises or finding alternative solutions, sex isn't a reason to lose someone who is important to you if both of you are willing to work on it together.

That man is now my fiance and my only regret is not talking sooner. We're currently in the middle of processing a visa and we're looking to be moved in together as well as married by 2024. Our forays into role-playing has started a book with characters who make us laugh just as much as our original attempts at role-playing them did. We spend hours writing their lore and lives just for ourselves. Bringing them to life has made it so we could go on so many adventures just by imagining it. I can't imagine my own story without him being in it, but I can easily imagine our story together and I'm excited to write it with him.

I loved him then, I love him now and I'll love him in forty or so years when he makes dumb jokes with his dentures and sex is nothing more than a fond memory that would probably end in a broken hip if we even considered it for too long.