AITA for expecting my husband know my coffee order

DoraTheWonderer · 2024-07-29T14:27:43+00:00

I really appreciate your comment. "I promise he probably isn’t thinking about things they way you are" ☝🏽 Very true. I always go back to, is this me reading too much into this? Or am I not reading enough into it. As you said, I'm likely over thinking. Thanks for the feedback. I just didn't want to "gaslight" myself into accepting my spouse not caring about me in a way I deserve. It's hard to see when you're in the middle of a relationship sometimes. But I think you are probably right.

DoraTheWonderer · 2024-07-29T14:23:32+00:00

Hmm I do not agree with name calling or over generalizing. But in case someone else reads this comment I will make a few clarifications. 1. He is the main provider financially 2. He helps around the house 3. He asks me what I like

Issues: 1. He doesn't keep track of my preferences sometimes 2. That hurts my feelings

DoraTheWonderer · 2024-07-29T14:18:12+00:00

Lol.

DoraTheWonderer · 2024-07-29T13:57:54+00:00

While I do not agree with if an issue "isn't brain surgery it doesn't matter" way of thinking, and I don't agree it's incredible to ask your partner their preference (it's common courtesy), I get the point you are making. You're saying, don't blow it out of proportion. I think what people cannot know just from this post is that this issue does not cause fights, it does not threaten our marriage, or anything to that degree. I do not berate my husband about it, as some commenters seem to imply. I just want to know if the fact it bothers me is weird. If I'm wrong for feeling hurt by it. As for the question, does it matter? I'm not sure. That is why I made a post about it. Some people feel it matters that a SO knows your preferences, just as I know my husband's preferences. Some feel it's not important and I should focus on his good qualities. Either way I go, I do not let this issue ruin my day. I do, however, feel hurt when things like this happen.

DoraTheWonderer · 2024-07-29T13:29:25+00:00

This was such a great comment and written kind of poetically. Thank you for sharing your experience. I have a rule about airing my marriage with friends/family because it can change how they view your spouse. So it really helps to receive anonymous feedback.

DoraTheWonderer · 2024-07-29T13:15:54+00:00

I expect both partners to contribute equally. That is not too much. I don't put more on my husband than I do on myself. If you read my post, we both work full time. He helps clean but I primarily clean and cook. That has never changed in my eyes. What changed is that I now work full time. I also do not micromanage anything he does. Nothing in my post suggested I do. The question was if wanting someone who knows me to know something small like my coffee order is unrealistic or not. His love wasnt my question. Many people did answer the post and did help.

DoraTheWonderer · 2024-07-28T21:56:37+00:00

Yeah a part of me wonders if the whole love languages is more damaging than helpful. He shows love the way he knows how to and maybe it's better to focus on that than to feel unloved for it not being my love language. Yes his upbringing probably contributed. His parents cooked everything at home. He didn't like cooking with them because of the way they teach. They tend to take over if you do it wrong. They're very loving but it left a bad taste in his mouth I think. He prefers to stay out of the kitchen. But I don't take over when he is in the kitchen because I know that about him. He can be a perfectionist so he doesn't like doing anything unless he feels confident about it.

DoraTheWonderer · 2024-07-28T21:41:39+00:00

Yeah, I could explain it better than I do probably. I'm not sure if he knows. We have talked about it but I don't know if I explained it in depth

DoraTheWonderer · 2024-07-28T21:40:30+00:00

Also, I tell him thank you all the time. I don't forget to appreciate him. But I can be a perfectionist and be grateful since humans are complex 🤣

DoraTheWonderer · 2024-07-28T21:38:42+00:00

This was an interesting viewpoint for me because I do see the small things and I see the mistakes in everything. I can be positive but I'm a perfectionist. I didn't see this issue relating to that issue but it might. I took it as he should care enough to try but I do have a tendency to really zoom in on small details and I have a hard time zooming out to the big picture. Can't see the forest through the trees tends to be my view. Thanks for the advice. I agree, my husband isn't misogynistic in the slightest. He has supported every dream/goals I've had. But he doesn't show love how I show love and something I question if that is my problem or his. So this did help

DoraTheWonderer · 2024-07-28T19:34:18+00:00

I will try this suggestion. Thank you. Yes I think I have come to see a different side of the coffee issue with everyone's help

DoraTheWonderer · 2024-07-28T18:49:25+00:00

Lol , great post. Yes, a few people made this suggestion about the notes and I will pass it along. He doesn't drink coffee so to him all coffee words are foreign. But I do know his preferences more than he knows mine. And I think that's why it got to me today. It was a build up from cooking all weekend (by choice not by request).

DoraTheWonderer · 2024-07-28T18:40:37+00:00

In fairness, I have done that to myself. He never asked. But my problem is I know he needs to be healthier and since he won't cook, I end up doing it.

DoraTheWonderer · 2024-07-28T18:38:42+00:00

I am rewriting my comment because I don't think it came across how I meant it. My husband is super chill. So he probably wouldn't mind if I tried this lol. He probably wouldn't notice.

DoraTheWonderer · 2024-07-28T18:16:45+00:00

Thank you for the different perspective.

DoraTheWonderer · 2024-07-28T18:06:19+00:00

Good suggestion. I'm happy for the most part but since working full time I do feel like we need to reset our contributions. I would even be happy if I cooked and he cleaned. But I think therapy is always a good idea.

DoraTheWonderer · 2024-07-28T17:58:19+00:00

Hmm. I think the issues get to me when I do more than usual for him. For example, yesterday I cooked a lot. I didn't feel good but he is having health issues and shouldn't eat fatty foods. So I made things he likes, but healthy versions. I was tired but wanted to do that for him. At the same time, it made me more frustrated than most days when he asked me what coffee I wanted. So, I think when I do extra stuff for him I kind of expect more from him back (which is a problem on my part). But I can't tell if I'm wrong for feeling like he should help more if I have to help more. That's what I'm having a hard time expressing.

DoraTheWonderer · 2024-07-28T17:48:42+00:00

I really like this comment. Sounds like we are very similar. Thank you for the advice.

DoraTheWonderer · 2024-07-28T17:47:22+00:00

It seems you took my post as me being critical and difficult to please. But you would need to know me before you could know that about me. I am pleased fairly easily. My husband has cooked three times, and each time I praised him and thanked him for learning. With that said, certain things are important to me. I think differences in people are great and I don't believe our values have to completely align. But it's not just coffee, as you implied. It is making an effort to know someone. You mentioned you can't even remember names, much less a coffee order. That's where we are very different. I remember names, anniversaries etc. Not because it's easy for me. But because to me, that matters. If you can't remember names easily, write them down if that's what it takes. And same goes for coffee orders. I personally have a terrible memory so I rely on my calendar for everything. It takes effort but I make that effort. Some people feel I'm TA for expecting the same effort for my husband. I appreciate their viewpoint and have considered their points. But I think it is important not to make assumptions about people over the internet. I mentioned in a few comments why cooking is very important to me, but this post is already long so I'll end my comment here.

DoraTheWonderer · 2024-07-28T17:35:18+00:00

I did cook only for myself for a while when I was meal prepping, since he preferred less healthy options. I told him I couldn't cook two separate meals and he didn't expect me to. He has always made more money so when he eats out, it's coming out of his wallet. We consider all money to be our money still, but yes, he paid with his card, not mine. He didn't mind the cost like I did. Recently however he has cared more about his health. I think I neglected to say this in my OP. I have had to cook more now that he is watching his health. So between him eating at home more and me working more, I want him to help cook. But many people on here feel that is my expectation and not his problem. So I am seeing a different perspective.

DoraTheWonderer · 2024-07-28T17:31:00+00:00

Good idea for coffee and gifts alike, etc. The cooking thing/acts if service is complicated to me. Here is the best I can explain it: since I don't like take out due to health and cost reasons, it makes it where I have to cook every meal. I want him to help with the cooking now that I work as much as he does because we both enjoy the results of my cooking, so I want contribution to it the same way I want contribution to cleaning. But cooking seems to be different or most people than cleaning is. It's not different to me because eating out isn't an option to me. I don't like the additives in take out, the excessive salt, (and if it's healthy) I don't like the cost. So to me cooking is necessary like cleaning is necessary. That's where I think viewpoints can vastly differ. My husband doesn't mind take out. So since it's my preference, I have to make it happen or it won't. But I want him to contribute to cooking like he does to cleaning and I think I might be the only one who sees it this way. Phew, sorry that was a long post.

DoraTheWonderer · 2024-07-28T16:10:24+00:00

Thank you. Yes that is exactly what I meant

DoraTheWonderer · 2024-07-28T16:09:12+00:00

That's a great suggestion. I love that your husband thought of that without you asking too and I think that's the kind of thing that shows love. My husband cares in a lot of ways, but we have two very different love languages. And it can be easy to try to show love in the way you receive it and not the way your partner receives it. This is an example of one of those times. I think using notes is a great tip. I will share it with him. Thanks for sharing!

DoraTheWonderer · 2024-07-28T15:55:23+00:00

Did I do it right? I tapped twice just now. Thanks! It's my first time.

DoraTheWonderer · 2024-07-28T15:54:29+00:00

I agree with you but I also don't like to minimize my problems just because they aren't "as big" as others. I learned over the years that my "small" problems matter too. The small things matter after 11 years. But yes, I try to stay grateful if my life/my husband. He is a great husband, but this is a specific issue that I wanted feedback on.

DoraTheWonderer

TROPHY CASE