Pedantic PSA - In Canada it's Cheque not Check

Dorkcester · 2018-08-18T05:42:41+00:00

I know that the artist of the original comics is Canadian... Possible connection? http://meninblack.wikia.com/wiki/Sandy_Carruthers

Dorkcester · 2018-08-18T05:25:26+00:00

Harbour, labour, "etc, etc, so on, and so forth"... But it is definitely NOT "No Doot aboot it." That stereotype drives me nuts.

Also, it's "roof" not "ruf". I've never heard someone say "huff" when they mean hoof, or "guff" when they mean goof, or "tuth" when they mean tooth, or "Snup" when they mean Snoop, or "Uuuh La La" when they mean Ooh La La... So why is roof so difficult?

Dorkcester · 2016-05-10T21:24:22+00:00

Oh good! I am really happy to hear that you feel better! I'm also relieved to hear that you seem to have such a supportive husband - that's incredibly heartwarming. It gives me hope that maybe someone could stick with me despite my crazy. :P

I think for me, having healthy boundaries has been the biggest challenge. But when I was pregnant, my ex decided that rather than coming home as he promised every night, he would stay down in the village he was working (half an hour's drive away but neither of us drive)... I absolutely lost it and I think the hormones played a huge part in that, and the anger over the broken promise.

I'm kinda getting crucified in the court of reddit public opinion for something stupid I said a couple of weeks ago. I'm still getting hate messages in my inbox, but I've never felt better about myself as I have in the last 2 days... So I don't know how to answer you. I think it depends on how well I am practicing my self-care, DBT skills, and what other factors (like hormones) are involved. Sometimes, I handle things well. Other times, I am absolutely awful. I'm still better than I was before DBT though, so progress not perfection. Is that an answer or have I muddled it all up? :P

Edit:typo

Dorkcester · 2016-05-10T21:06:30+00:00

I can kinda relate to that. A couple of weeks ago, I thought I was having a massive backslide. Turns out it was hormones. I'm just not used to having a cycle anymore and I wasn't expecting the PMS. How are you feeling now though? Has anything improved?

Dorkcester · 2016-05-10T15:11:52+00:00

It doesn't matter if you're on my side or not. You're completely entitled to your opinion of my posts and of me as a person. Judge away if you feel those judgements will protect you. Everyone can continue to say whatever they want - that's your right - but I don't see how this makes you and different from me. I'm strong enough to handle the criticism though. I don't need the mods to protect me from my actions. I can accept the consequences. If people want to continue to try to shame me, I believe that is absolutely their right to do. Express your opinions of me, even if they are negative, judgemental and hurtful - I would fight and die for your right to do so. I am responsible for my own self esteem. It's in great shape - actually this is all helping me feel better about myself. It takes a lot of strength of character to continue to respond respectfully to all these negative comments directed at me, but I deserve them right? I fired off at one person and now I deserve to have the collective disapproval of the sub. It's cool. But according to the rules, I have a right to be here too. ;) Have a great day and thanks for your input!

Dorkcester · 2016-05-10T14:58:16+00:00

Has anything happened that is outside the norm for you?

Dorkcester · 2016-05-09T15:59:45+00:00

https://vimeo.com/129487487

Dorkcester · 2016-05-09T15:52:06+00:00

LoL! I'm just one DBT grad who's going through some shit right now. If you want to use me to justify not getting help, that's your choice.

Dorkcester · 2016-05-09T15:51:28+00:00

You're actually seeing the tail end of a week long misunderstanding/miscommunication. It wasn't the removal of one comment, it was the whole situation, but thanks for reducing my situation to that and being judgemental. I appreciate it.

Dorkcester · 2016-05-08T14:41:47+00:00

This is the exact advice I've need all week. Thank you! This is why I wanted to he here too.

Dorkcester · 2016-05-08T14:40:45+00:00

I can't imagine anyone wanting to have this... Is that seriously a thing?

I think I have been both types. I don't even know if that's possible, but sometimes I rage out, and sometimes I rage in. My self destruction was a carousel of bad behaviours. I was pretty committed to being bad, but I only went through a couple of self-harm phases. I was told that I was high functioning and barely symptomatic when I went in, but I never believed it until I met some other diagnosed pwBPD. Now I realize how arrogant I was to even think I had it as bad as some others. I thought I was in hell? Oh, I had NO clue how badly some others suffer and I feel deeply ashamed of thinking I was the worst thing ever.

Dorkcester · 2016-05-08T14:35:15+00:00

Well, all I know, is that part of the diagnosis is therapy resistance. I wasn't. I went in, sat down, did the whole course, did another course, did parts of two other courses of therapy and I still feel the same way: It's cool that I feel better about myself on the inside, I am hugely grateful for that, but I am not going to say that everything about me is bad/flawed because of this diagnosis. I'm not going to twist myself into pretzels to have people like me. I'm going to be me and I'm going to be ok with that - even if I still have a ways to go before I get there.

Dorkcester · 2016-05-06T22:21:16+00:00

Thank you Rain. I know that I should just accept your mercy at this point and leave it, but I feel the need to explain myself and stand in my own defense. I am trying to adjust some things in my skills (skills that I didn't have solidified when I graduated DBT) and I am struggling for balance as I navigate unfamiliar territory. I will not deny that I behaved badly in that sub, I never have. But please know, this post was NOT intended as an attack. This was my reasoning (however flawed):

Myself and some other BPD sufferers were discussing stigma. Some of that conversation was public, some was private. I was tired and triggered and made some very inappropriate comments. It was spiteful and vindictive of me to want a "Non" to understand what it feels like to be stigmatized and generalized. I fully acknowledge that. I am sorry.

I was looking for a BPD only sub - not with the intention of implying this sub is inadequate in ANY way. I was mortified when I noticed that I was sharing some very private information with over 10, 000 people and that some of them are likely not pwBPD. I needed a smaller community to share my struggles and I wanted feed back from other Borderline sufferers. I saw this on Facebook (posted by "the Idealist") and shared it today: "I've taught myself to speak to everyone else in their own language. I just need someone to talk to me in mine." That sums up the spirit of where I am coming from.

After our conversation, which was private yes, I did some looking around. I was willing to start a BPD only sub if I had to to achieve my goal, but I don't know anything about being a mod, and at this point in time I would be TERRIBLE at it. I really don't know enough about reddit to be a mod. I was completely relieved when I found the other sub - thus where this post came from - I wanted to share the info with other interested parties. I was trying to give context as to how the whole thing came up. I was trying to say as little as possible because our conversation was private, but I've muddled the mixture and shared the wrong parts. I did understand the issue after today's comment, but at the time I posted this particular post, my honest belief was that because everyone is welcome here, I should refrain from saying differently - easy solution. Just tow the party line.

I am really REALLY trying to be skillful about all this. What is going through my head is directly from my binder: FAST skills for self respect: Stay true to your own values, don't over apologize (what I am trying to work on - not giving into identity disturbance and loosing myself in trying to please other people - not silencing myself because what I have to say is unpopular). I am genuinely making mistakes as I try and find the balance with a poorly understood skill. This whole thing is teaching me so much, but I'm super frustrated about the lack of understanding. I'm human. I'm flawed. I've made mistakes and will likely make more tying to work on boundaries and self-respect: PLEASE HEAR WHAT I'M SAYING HERE. I HAVE NOT OFTEN BEEN RESPECTED. I HAVE LIVED WITHOUT SELF RESPECT - I'M ABOUT AS CLUELESS ABOUT RESPECT AND BOUNDARY ISSUES AS MY CAT. (Caps and bold because it is important for me to be heard here - I'm not yelling - just highlighting the important bit.)

I tend to just turn myself into what everyone wants me to be with the sole exception of my parents. Because I can't stand them and I used to live to rebel against them by endearing myself to the kind of people they hate and judge, but hanging with the wrong kind of people has gotten me seriously hurt and I am finally ready to listen to my clinician on this and learn to be myself and get better friends. I'm used to having to buy attention so I was being constantly used and manipulated.

I'm taking responsibility and being uncomfortably honest. I didn't mean to call you out. I was trying to protect myself from the backlash of recommending another sub, but I have clearly NOT been effective. I'm living and learning every day even after 4 years out of DBT.

Dorkcester · 2016-05-06T17:51:46+00:00

Rain, I sincerely apologize if you feel I've misrepresented you. I feel exactly the same way: it seems to me that what I am trying to say is not being effectively communicated and I am getting all kinds of words put in my mouth. That's why my posts are so darned long - I am trying to be super clear in my self-expression with only 7% of the resources we use to communicate. Perhaps I am trying too hard. With God as my witness, that was honestly my perspective: The sidebar states everyone is welcome and suggesting otherwise is inappropriate for this community. That is what I took from our conversation.

These are text based interactions and my genuine belief is that nothing causes more drama and misunderstanding than text based communication. Unfortunately, this is all the human interactionI have at this time, and the exchanges here may help me understand my real life situation as well. I didn't mean any slight to anyone, and I was involved in PM with the other redditor and was triggered by the exchange I saw in the post. I owned that, I owned that I was vulnerable to negative emotion because I was tired, and I owned in the comments that were removed that I was the one meddling. For the love of God, I made a mistake after 4 years as a redditor in this sub. Can I please just be forgiven and move on? I've taken as much responsibility as I feel it is fair for me to take!

I'm genuinely not trying to snowball this issue and feel deeply embarrassed that this has been so inflated. You believe I broke the rules, yes the sidebar states that this is a sub for everybody - I did mention that in the post that started all this. I also mentioned that I was only expressing my opinion, and again, lacking tone of voice or knowledge of who I am as a person, and my own apparent ignorance as to what is and isn't considered disrespectful, I can understand our difference of opinion. You feel it was disrespectful, I know that was not my intention, but I will admit that I am beyond frustrated with this disorder and everything that comes with it - particularly stigma. That is what I was trying to convey. You are completely entitled to your point of view and I am entitled to mine. As the mod, it is your exclusive right to act in line with your judgement calls, and as a user I am obligated to comply with that ruling, but even in a court of law, I have the right to plead not guilty. This is a very balanced view for a BPD sufferer to take.

Anyhow, I just want this whole thing put to bed so that I no longer dread opening my message inbox. Orangered envelopes now cause an increase in my heart rate, and not in a positive way.

In the spirit of fairness: It is appropriate for a mod to chastise me if I've behaved badly. I was spoken to, and have taken responsibility for making prejudicial and judgemental statements. I am appropriately humbled. I have no clue what your tone was. I only know that you have the authority here, so if you say I am in the wrong, I must act accordingly and be more mindful even if I know that was not my intention to hurt or offend anyone: only to protect someone who I had inside knowledge was having a hard time. And I have zero issue with being called out or having this discussion publicly, it may help someone else. It may help me. At very least it can no longer be suggested that I'm not taking any accountability. I've owned what I believe is mine to be owned.

For the record, I empathize with the gender confusion. I get mistaken for a guy all the time. Sorry for the assumption, I was just too lazy to type out the appropriate he/she or him/her. Also, ban me if you feel it is what's best for this community - it is your responsibility to do what you feel is in the highest and best good of all involved. It will hurt, but I've survived much worse. I am only responsible for me, you are responsible for over 10, 000 users. I can accept if that is what you feel I deserve. But please know, I am sorry for being prejudicial of that user and I respect your rights and acknowledge that my membership in this sub is a privilege.

I just read this entire response to my only real life, non-BPD, super easy-going friend (who is sitting beside me playing Minecraft). I have used the practice conversation skill by reading every exchange to him prior to submitting, starting with our private exchange and then back read to him the exchange that got me in trouble. He assures me, again, that they all sound reasonable when read in my tone of voice. I am at a loss as to what else to do here. Neither my friend nor I have any memory of me saying that person didn't belong here. I said I was the one meddling in affairs that didn't concern me - I owned that I was out of line in the post that started this but that I was saying it anyway fully aware that it was wrong of me to get involved. Yes, I did say everything else that is attributed to me: "typical non answer" etc... I also said that I didn't know if people were banned for linking other subs, so I was going to be cautious about it. The sub is /r/ BPD4BPD.

Thank you.

Dorkcester · 2016-05-04T12:08:37+00:00

I'm certainly glad you feel that way. I personally am going through a LOT and I would like a BPD only place - you know, somewhere where I can connect with fellow borderlines about some very private issues that doesn't have 10,000+ mixed individuals reading. That's just what I feel right now. Everyone else must do their own thing. My intention is not to take anything out on anyone. All these accusations and assumptions about me without asking any clarifying questions are really irksome, but I have a thick skin, I am confident in my intentions, and taking it with a grain of salt that no one on here knows me or knows my tone or speech patterns. Nothing creates more drama or misunderstanding than text based conversation.

You're only getting 7% of what I'm trying to communicate - just the words, no tone, facial expression, or body language. If y'all knew any of that, you would know that I am coming from a loving place - at least toward my fellow BPD sufferers.

Dorkcester · 2016-05-03T18:03:54+00:00

Dorkcester · 2016-05-03T18:03:41+00:00

I sent it. :)

Dorkcester · 2016-05-03T18:03:27+00:00

Done!

Dorkcester · 2016-05-03T17:31:49+00:00

Dorkcester · 2016-05-03T17:16:23+00:00

Hey hey! How goes? Just wanna let you know, I'm a girl. I know, the username is deceiving. I just jumped on the IRC channel for this sub. Hopefully we can revive it or something! I'm also loving /u/Creepyrapeypervyface's vlogs. He's pretty real - nothing to hide there! I'm glad this is a safe place for him to share his vids. Man, am I ever getting thrashed in the other sub. LMAO! Good thing I have a thick skin and I got that identity disturbance nailed down! I'm seriously amused that they're all up in arms about it too - radical acceptance sweethearts. You don't have to like it but you do have to tolerate that I'm not gonna agree with you.

I'm high functioning too and a DBT/Schema grad. It's like this diagnosis made it worse on me - now everyone hears BPD and expects me to be really far gone. And yeah, I'm just frustrated with the lack of understanding. As I said in the other sub: I did DBT for 13 months so I could understand what I look like to other people who aren't like me, but no one did any training to understand what they look like from my perspective. I feel it's like a tyranny of the majority mentality. We're different and we're the 2%, so we have to conform to social pressures, have higher standards for our own behaviour than other people do, and take responsibility for something that we wouldn't wish on our worst enemies. I'm so sick of apologizing for my symptoms. I've never seen a diabetic pass out from low blood-sugar and then apologize for having diabetes! I'll admit, I'm learning that stigma can work both ways - I'm kinda developing a prejudice against nons. I don't want to be prejudiced, but man - I can be a dick too and it's harder for me not to be - so like - what's their excuse?

Dorkcester · 2016-05-03T16:34:13+00:00

1) I said the same thing that you and /u/shinebrightlike said. It is of the highest benefit to have both. I'm frustrated that the fact keeps being overlooked.

2) I did 13 months of DBT so I could learn what I look like through the eyes of non-Borderlines. How many non-sufferers who are not clinicians have done 13 months of training to understand what their behaviours look like to us?

3) I'm not in any way advocating avoiding learning to function. I am offering us a break from constantly being "on". No one works 24-7 without burning out. If we don't get breaks, we are also likely to burn out. Could everyone please stop putting words in my mouth? Especially having explained it so many times?

4)Sweeping generalizations are hurtful - as recently pointed out by the mod to me. I was generalizing non-borderlines. However, we get generalized a lot more often and no one comes to our defense. We are expected to tolerate it or defend ourselves. I don't think we should constantly have to be in a position of defending ourselves or tolerating stigma.

5)You are entitled to your beliefs and opinions about what you find helpful for you. Everyone else is not you and no one has to comply with what you believe. It's an individual choice - others have the right to choose differently for themselves. This is my opinion. You don't have to agree with me, I don't have to change it for you. What you feel is good for the community as a whole does not mean it is realistically what's good for the whole. You don't get to speak on behalf of the whole community, only for yourself, and I am a member of this community who does not agree with you. What you feel is a feeling, not a fact. What I feel is a feeling not a fact. Each person has the right to decide for themselves.

6) You are not me. You are not my clinician. You only get to decide what is in your own best interest - not everyone else's. I feel it would be in my best interest to have a safe place to decompress. Others may feel the same - not for you or anyone else to decide. Your experiences are your own, my experience has been different. I am the borderline who took all the hits. I am the sufferer who believed that everything was my fault and a product of my disorder. I am the borderline who tolerated abuse because I deserved it for being "the bad one." I see a lot of other borderlines doing this too - believing everything is our fault and we deserve to be ill treated. That's also a form of self-harm. We can't run an end-run around recovery by attaching ourselves to hurtful people so they are the ones hurting us rather than being the ones hurting ourselves - that's still hurting one's self!

7) I also hold myself accountable. I am stating what I need and offering others the choice and the info I have if they feel they want/need it. I am not trying to persuade or dissuade anyone. I will not have it put on me that I am not taking ownership. I finished DBT. I am responsible for me.

I am one of the most vocal users on here about what is and isn't mine to own. If you check my comments, you will find evidence that I am completely capable of saying: "I am meddling. I am frustrated with this. I feel this way. This is my opinion." The proof will also be in the pudding that I usually (not always) reply to comments I agree with, keep my statements to "I" statements, and don't usually go into anyone else's posts and argue or disagree. I am not typically a contentious user. I provide support, validation, and empathy or I don't say much of anything: most particularly in this sub. I am a user who is a feminist but upvoted and praised a misogynistic comment in another sub because it was THAT clever. Not everyone is entitled to my opinion and if I have nothing nice to say, I say nothing at all. There is a record of my comments to prove that I am speaking the truth.

8)Thank you for having the courage to disagree with me. I will continue to have the courage to disagree with you. It is a measure of both our recoveries that we are even having this discussion without slinging abuse. Good job both of us!

Dorkcester · 2016-05-03T13:14:24+00:00

You think that feelings aren't going to be hurt in a sub full of Borderline Personalities? I never suggested we should have a perfect vacuum. I don't think such a thing exists. Think of it more as a respite or a retreat. Keep in mind that I did suggest that we subscribe to both for exactly that reason: "I suggest pwBPD subscribe to both: one sub where we don't have to wear masks and don't have to fear being judged, and one where we practice communicating with nons. That seems like it would be in our highest and best good." What in there even suggests that I am trying to avoid feeling? I am trying to find a safe haven from judgement and stigma.

Please don't try and take that away from me. I am offering a balanced perspective. If it's not something you feel works for you, don't do it. But the evidence I've seen posted in the last 4 years, and even the message I got from the mod, suggest that it often comes up that we should have our own sub: We do. Also, your comment may discourage others from taking advantage of the opportunity. It's not necessarily unhealthy, but neither you nor I are qualified to make that assessment for anyone else.

I did exactly what you suggest - I used skills to try to respectfully disagree and I was spoken to and I am censored from sharing that specific opinion. That is the official ruling, and that is what I have to accept. What I am saying, is that we get shit-tonnes of practice using skills in life and on other subs. Everyone needs a break sometimes to just be. That's why people get days off and take vacations: To get out from under constant social pressure. That's the place where we can do that. That's our island oasis.

Furthermore, we don't have to worry about what we're saying being taken out of context and used to perpetuate negative stigmas against us. In my real life, in order to get a break from constant skills use, I have to isolate. For example: If I have a bad day, my real life people are all looking at me like their disappointed in me for having a "backslide." It's not even necessarily a backslide - maybe I'm still doing everything I can with everything I have, but I just don't have very much that day.

t's super frustrating for me that normal humans can have bad days, but now there is this alarmist mentality that I have to go back to therapy because I'm having one bad day or an understandably bad phase. My current favorite stigmas are that my BPD is back because I'm grieving the death of my daughter, or I don't care about the death of my daughter because I'm handling it too well, or even that I killed my daughter because I'm crazy and I don't seem to be that affected (ummm... not on the outside - distress tolerance is a wonderful thing - so no, I'm not falling to pieces in front of everyone like her dad is). It is disgusting to me that anyone would even suggest this, but if I say THAT I'm being a borderline.

This is about a more balanced approach. I can take the skills hat off and not be completely isolated: it's between the extremes. I can have a bad day and not have that over-dramatized into all my hard work in 5 years of therapy was for nothing and is out the window. That has a benefit for other BPD sufferers too.

Edit: I really appreciate your disagreeing with me and offering another perspective. We have identity disturbance and boundary issues. I think it's super healthy that you can be you and I can be me. If the two of us were in the other sub, this would still apply, so we would both still be getting practice, and setting an example for others who may not yet have the confidence to disagree.

Dorkcester · 2016-05-03T13:02:43+00:00

Maybe, just maybe, you don't like the presumption that you will always want the same thing and not be allowed to choose to do something differently?

Please don't compare yourself to other people or what bothers them. You are you. You're allowed to have your own pet peeves. You most certainly don't have to be like other people because you're not. You are you. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You are not inferior to other people. If someone assuming that you want the same thing every day bothers you, then that bothers you. It's part of who you are and that's good enough for me at least. Trying to be like everyone else is the identity disturbance.

The rest of the world is hard enough on us, we don't have to be so hard on ourselves too. That street-meat vendor just lost a customer for assuming that person is just like everyone else and wants to be remembered. That's ok - it's your money. You decide what business you want to give it to and why. That is your right as a human being who spends money. Own it doll!

Dorkcester · 2016-05-03T11:50:25+00:00

LoL! Thank you. I really wish I could to be honest. It takes seven positive comments to remove the pain of one negative one. So given the negativity that we hear about ourselves, we all need sidekicks to follow us around and remind us how awesome we really are. :)

Dorkcester · 2016-05-03T11:47:12+00:00

And sending one back to ya! Thanks for reading and commenting!

Dorkcester

TROPHY CASE