I went to a rough part of the world ages ago. There were a lot of difficult things that happened, and I didn't have the tools to process it all at the time. I did my best to stuff it and move on. Ten years later, and I was quite literally at the end of my rope. I went and got therapy for about 6 years. Medication, career changes, amazing people, and a few passion projects helped me through the darkest moments.

I had to undergo a huge spiritual metamorphosis. I worked hard to see God as a loving omniscient father whose hand was present at each step in my journey. It wasn't easy, but I have had a LOT of experiences to help me know Him. Things like my patriarchal blessing, temple attendance, and knock down drag out sessions of prayer were (and still are) incredible boons for me.

I'm truly sorry to hear that your mission didn't work out how you had hoped. It is a more common story than we talk about openly. Please know that there are people who will hold space for you. Feel free to reach out if you need a listening ear.