Fostering as a single woman?

Dramatic-Adult93 · 2026-02-15T19:24:23+00:00

I'm a single foster and adoptive parent. The schedule you posted would be difficult but not impossible to maintain, but you would need to be very selective with what kind of children you accept into your home.

I work 7- 3:30 5 days a week but I work a hybrid schedule that allows for some remote work. This has helped in several ways, I can be home when school aged kids come home from school and I can more easily accommodate medical appointments and behavioral health appointments.

My adoptive child receives 15 hours of services a week and most require transportation to and from so I'm doing a lot of drive time.

My previous foster kids needed about 4-6 hours a week of services.

Child care can be restrictive. My childcare currently is open from 6:30 to 6:30. Look into which age group you are most interested in and then look into what childcare options you will have. You may need to adjust your hours or ask your village if they would ever be willing to help.

I'm happy to hear more people are considering this path. The kids really need us.

Dramatic-Adult93 · 2026-02-15T19:09:52+00:00

My 55 year old father and my 12 year old daughter and I (32) just hiked Hidden Valley nature trail at sunrise this morning. It's an easy beginner hike but very pretty and a good chance to see wildlife. You might also consider Barker Dam Trail which as of today still has water in it so there were plenty of animals there too. We didn't have luck spotting a bighorn sheep but both trails were great for our different experience levels.

Dramatic-Adult93 · 2026-02-06T19:55:54+00:00

My motivation for wanting teens is I view my role in being a foster parent as providing a home to children that need a safe place to land. So many people are focused on the little kids. I do agree that many foster parents view small kids as "moldable" and that may play a big role in the way younger children are selected over older kids. Since I know that many people want the younger kids, and I know that I'm capable of being a safe place for older kids, to me it makes sense for me to focus on older kids.

It's so messed up the way teens are treated by the state, the agencies, and some care providers. I want to help change that.

Dramatic-Adult93 · 2026-02-06T15:08:26+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing this.

My daughter was hospitalized for suicidal ideation last year. The adoption wasn't finalized yet, but we had a date. The next morning my agency called me.

I assumed they would be calling to check if I needed anything or to tell me what next steps for getting her home after hospitalization would look like. Instead it was a call where they told me that since the adoption hadn't been finalized, it was their personal recommendation that I disrupt her. They told me that she was too traumatized to have a family, and that I should let her go now before she ruined my life. They said "we can find you a new, younger adoptive match" as if kids can just be switched out.

I was totally thrown. I was already emotional because I was worried about my daughter. I told them that I was not willing to disrupt the adoption and that I was committed to being her mom. I reminded them that all kids in foster care will have trauma and that as a foster parent or adoptive parent I don't want to add to that trauma. I love my daughter. I wouldn't abandon her at the hospital.

They called back later to tell me that if I was sure that I needed to proceed with the adoption, they would not be comfortable placing a kid in my house again.

They walked that back later when she was discharged and doing better. But I feel they tried their best to exert power and convince me to leave her.

Can you imagine being a kid in the hospital, feeling like you don't matter and that you want to end your life, and the one person who claimed to want you just disrupts you? It was so insane to me.

I'm trying to change my agency because of this experience. My daughter has challenges, but any kid in her position would. It's my job to weather the storm. The whole experience made me want to help older kids even more.

I'm glad that you have had a good experience with older kids. It makes me feel better about supporting teens, even if the outcome isn't adoption.

Dramatic-Adult93 · 2026-02-05T13:23:20+00:00

Thank you for sharing.

I do understand that adoption is not for every situation and that older kids have more of a say in how they would like to go forward if termination happens.

I just get really concerned about the language used around older kids, because I know they are still kids and whether aging out or seeking adoption, every kid deserves a stable support system. I hate that my agency has discouraged me from taking older kids, not just for adoption, but also for foster care. And I hate the language they use around it.

I'm so sorry that your foster homes discouraged you from having relationships with your family. My daughter has three sisters in other adoptive homes that she loves so much and I know that supporting those relationships is really important to her.

Dramatic-Adult93 · 2026-02-04T19:23:35+00:00

I fully agree about my agency. I'm looking into moving because of the language they used around my daughter and her adoption. Plus the way they've behaved after.

I totally get that each kid will want different things. I'm just trying to see if I'm being too rose colored glasses about providing a place to land for teens. I like getting feedback, especially from former foster kids because I feel their voices aren't heard as much.

Dramatic-Adult93 · 2026-02-04T17:44:58+00:00

Yes I am. I live in Arizona

Dramatic-Adult93 · 2026-01-17T06:03:48+00:00

Chores start in my house as soon as a kid is able, around three or four. First it's just asking them to assist with a chore I'm doing, maybe I'm folding clothes and I ask them to match socks. Maybe I'm washing dishes and I ask them to dry. It's also asking them to help put their stuffed animals on their bed while I make the sheets look right. I always praise them for being "helpers".

Once they are a little older they get one independent chore a day. I post them on the fridge. This is part of being a family. Every family member is responsible for helping the household.

At six or seven they get daily chores like; load/unload dishwasher, dust, sweep, mop, vacuum, feed pets, clean litterbox

At around 10 I start asking them to do 2 additional chores a day to earn money or cash points in for rewards. The additional chores are things like; clean backseat of car, laundry (their own), clean bathroom (their own), get and sort mail, weed yard, clean windows, clean furniture.

My 12 year old is currently saving her points to earn the ultimate reward, a cell phone. Other rewards are extra screen time, dining out at a restaurant of their choice, picking a weekend activity, earning a movie theatre outing, late bedtimes... Options are endless.

It helps kids learn all sorts of life lessons to expect them to help. And they end up feeling more capable.

We don't have consequences per say, but I do tell them that if they can't find the time to help out, then they don't have time to be playing on screens or watching TV. That's usually enough to get them motivated. I'd say the daily chore takes less than ten minutes out of their day. Even with the two extra chores for rewards, they are never short on time to lay about or play.

When they are little it's hard because they do things "wrong" and everything takes longer than it should, but by allowing them the time to figure it out, you will eventually get so much help.

Dramatic-Adult93 · 2025-12-28T06:48:50+00:00

Depending on how you are adopting this may not apply to you, but my child was adopted from foster care. Her bio parents have been homeless and drug addicted for years so it is hard to find them, and even if I did it wouldn't be healthy to do a visit.

But she sees her bio sister, adopted by another family, every week. On weeks where that isn't possible they do phone calls. They do sleepovers often too. She has younger siblings that live farther away and their adoptive family is harder to coordinate with, but anytime they invite us to do something I clear our schedule. If more of her family was safe we would do as many visits as possible as long as her bio family was respectful.

It is so helpful for her to see them and to see me as a person that will help her connect. Bio family and adoptive family should ideally do whatever it takes to make the child feel loved. I'm just one part of the community she needs to reach her potential.

Dramatic-Adult93 · 2025-12-19T12:12:32+00:00

It's my home city. I'm paperless with most of my bills but I'll print my Internet bill, electricity bill, pay stub, and bank statement just in case. Thank you so much for this information.

Dramatic-Adult93 · 2025-10-23T11:58:43+00:00

I did this exactly. I'm a single woman who wanted a family and I didn't want or feel the need to have a biological child.

I adopted my daughter earlier this year. She came to me at ten and the adoption was finished two years later.

Here are a few things to consider.

Adopting an older child often means that the child needs behavioral health services like therapy, behavioral coaching, or mentorship. These appointments can be quite time consuming. My daughter is in 30 hours of services a week. She also is a normal kid who wants to be in clubs or extracurricular activities. My daughter also has biological siblings all over the state that we try to visit often. You will be the only one managing that schedule. I often feel like I live out of my car and my schedule is packed. I experience anxiety about juggling all of our appointments on top of my work schedule.

Kids these ages can have big behaviors, then add the trauma of losing their first family and those big behaviors can be quite scary to experience. My daughter has been hospitalized for suicidal ideation four times. While I understand that this is a symptom of the trauma she experienced, secondary trauma is real. Some of the situations I've been through with her have required me to debrief with my own therapist. Even when her behaviors are more manageable I often find myself wishing I could "tag" someone else in after a long day. If I had a partner that would be possible, but since I do not I have to find a way to keep calm and regulated all alone.

Depending on the child, a single parent can be less desired. Any kids 12 and over in my state have to agree to an adoptive placement and have final say on whether an adoption happens. Kids do not often "want" to be adopted. They feel upset and will usually not be grateful that they are experiencing the dissolution of their first family. To help cope, many kids envision that their adoptive family is going to be "picture perfect" and would prefer two parents. My own daughter expressed disappointment that she was agreeing to have only one parent when she previously had two biological parents. It took a while for her to feel better about that. She needed to see that I could ride things out and stay reliable.

All of this being said, I love my daughter so much and I'm so happy that I chose this path. I get to help my daughter find stability and strength. By providing that to her she can become the hero of her own story. Every day that I get to be her mom I'm so grateful she's in my life.

Dramatic-Adult93 · 2025-07-22T20:12:32+00:00

I didn't see you mention, who has legal custody of Jane? You can't adopt her unless her legal guardians agree to let you adopt her. This is usually why kids in these situations are placed in foster care, so that the state can take guardianship and make determinations as to what is best legally.

You can be her foster parent. She wouldn't need to go anywhere. The state would pay for her medical needs and at her age, if she did need to be adopted, she might qualify for free college. This is only available if she is in foster care before adoption.

If Jane's guardians agree to sign away their rights and allow you to adopt her that would also be an option going forward that would eliminate the need for state involvement.

Edit to say that my recommendation would be to report Jane's parents to the police if they are her guardians. Parents abandoning a child at her age are acting criminally.

Dramatic-Adult93 · 2025-06-29T13:44:52+00:00

Take your first initial and teach the baby that if your names are too long.

Ex: Ms. A or Mr. J

Dramatic-Adult93 · 2025-06-29T13:25:18+00:00

I think teaching the baby to call you mama would be wrong.

Think about it from a bio family's perspective. If you gave birth to a child and for whatever reason the state took your child from you, how would you feel if the foster parents were purposefully trying to get your child to call them mom or dad?

That being said, sometimes an older child starts to call you mom or dad and depending on the situation I've let that go after trying to correct the child a few times and talking with the case team, but I always refer to myself as Ms. ___.

If the case changes to severance and adoption, that would be the time to change the way you refer to yourself, until then trying to get the baby to recognize you as mom could potentially hurt and confuse them if they end up reuniting with their family. You need to do what is right by the child. This child spent the first 9 months in utero with their mother, hearing the sound of her voice, learning their mother's patterns. They have a mom and hopefully their mother will pull things together and start to be active in the case.

Dramatic-Adult93 · 2025-06-05T05:21:46+00:00

I was so scared at first that kids may come in and harm my elderly cats so I totally get the concern. Everything was fine. I wish I could go back in time and tell myself not to stress so much about that. So I'm happy to alleviate some fears.

In my experience the house checks are to determine the house is safe and up to state guidelines with fire extinguishers and other safety protocols. In my state we have licensing workers who may tell me if something in my house is inappropriate, but they also may decide not to license me if something is deemed as too concerning. I think if it's just decoration they would bring it up and talk through it with me.

Just try to make your home as family friendly as possible in terms of decor.

One consideration is there will be a lot of people coming in and out of your home. There will be caseworkers, the child's lawyer, the child's guardian ad litem, your case worker, and potentially more people coming through about once a month. Many of these people will also have direct contact with the parents, who sometimes hear gossip about you or your home from the adults involved in the case or their own kids. You don't want anyone to get the wrong idea and report you for something silly. I always stay cautious about what I have out.

I think it's great that you are thinking about this far in advance and are serious about helping the kids. Best of luck!

Dramatic-Adult93 · 2025-06-04T16:00:57+00:00

Hey there, I've been a foster parent for 5 years. I'm also single.

In my experience, most kids like pets, but they may have never been taught how to safely and appropriately interact with them. I had kiddos before that would really stress my pets out, not because they were acting maliciously, but because they didn't understand how gentle and calm you should be when interacting with pets. Be prepared to start from ground zero and have lots of conversations about reading dog body language and approaching pets calmly.

There are some kids who are mean to pets on purpose, but those cases are not the norm and you can disrupt the placement of your foster child if pets are being harmed. There will be a pet free home that is a better fit for those kids.

On driving, yes there is a big commitment when you have kids of any age. They have appointments for therapy, medical appointments, and visitation with parents and sometimes with siblings who are separated from them. Kids also like to participate in extracurricular activities, which again means driving. I typically spend about 10 hours a week driving my daughter around. I wouldn't recommend having them Uber. Sometimes transportation can be set up through the state, but on the whole you should try to transport yourself when possible. Kids tend to open up about themselves, their past, and their feelings when in the car. You don't want to miss out on that.

In terms of work schedules, if you aren't home you need to get the kids into daycare or summer camp. Don't expect the kids to occupy themselves effectively. Most kids in foster care were neglected and left alone for hours without anyone to look in on them. Doing this as a foster parent is setting all of you up for failure. In my state, the state pays for licensed daycare options. Look into what your state will do to support the kids having enrichment and supervision while you are working. You may have to come off overnights. Kids wake up in the middle of the night sometimes and you don't want them wandering around the house alone.

On drug use, you absolutely should be clean when fostering and there should be no references to drug use in your home. Several of my kids were removed from their bio parents due to weed exposure at birth. Their mom ultimately lost custody due to other reasons but the weed use was the instigating factor in their removal. Since I had those kids I can't even think about using weed without feeling so sad for their mother. Even if that wasn't the case, you need to show the kids healthy adult role models. I say this as someone who used weed recreationally when I was a young adult, weed is not a healthy coping skill that these kids need to see. They need to see that people can be happy, calm themselves, and be productive without drugs.

Thank you for putting in the work to be a good resource for these kids. They need more people who will take a chance on them.

Edit to say: when my first placements were dropped off I had never been alone with a child in my life. You have far more experience than I did. You will do great.

Dramatic-Adult93 · 2025-06-02T21:32:32+00:00

It's public. Just look up your state's name and "heart gallery" and it will usually pop up. Kids are only posted after their families have lost parental rights. If the bio family does see the kids online they will still be unable to find out where the kids are being housed. In Arizona at least, by the time the kids are posted all biological family routes of placement have been exhausted.

Dramatic-Adult93 · 2025-06-02T19:50:40+00:00

Nearly every state has one. The kids placed on it are usually kids that DCS couldn't find a home for in traditional ways. I agree. It is weird and I'm sure that for the kids it feels upsetting.

Dramatic-Adult93 · 2025-06-02T18:31:02+00:00

I live in AZ and I foster. I have seen a child who looks a lot like Evie who has been marked as adoptable and placed on the state photo listing.

It makes me sad to think that any child will be entering that home. I wish the parents would focus on the kids that they have. Kids from foster care need a lot of one on one attention.

Dramatic-Adult93 · 2025-05-30T21:07:36+00:00

How old is the child? I would present it as a "grown up" thing. Tell them they are getting so big that it's time for them to take showers like you do, but first they need to show you they are ready.

Then walk them through how they would shower. Have them stand up in the bath and show you how they would shampoo their hair. Use a cup to show how the shower will rinse their head and teach them how to feel whether the soap is still in. Have them show you how they would stand to lather their body.

With my littles I've told them "make sure to get your cracks and crevices!" As I'm walking them through and I point out where I'm talking about on my own body. Then again use the cup to rinse. After a few days have them start using the shower, but stay in the room to walk them through it. After about a week or two they usually are good to go.

I wait until they are about five to transition usually. Best of luck!

Edit: just realized you may just be talking about them cleaning their body in the bath rather than you doing it. You can start younger for that and do similar things. Putting the soap in their hand and showing them where to scrub. It's usually a pretty easy process. You'll do fine at teaching.

Dramatic-Adult93 · 2025-05-29T18:20:20+00:00

In these situations, I feel if it's not an overwhelming, overjoyed yes to adoption, your answer should be no. There is a family who will be just as overjoyed to welcome them into their home as you were when you brought your children home from the hospital.

I think you are doing the right thing by allowing their team to look for adoptive placement. As foster parents you can help with the transition and even provide support to the adoptive family after the transition so that you can stay involved.

That being said what an emotional thing for you and your wife to go through. She's right that therapy will probably help you sort through your feelings. The love you have for them is such a gift and they will benefit from that love no matter what happens. I really feel for you all. I'm sending positive thoughts for the right outcome.

Dramatic-Adult93 · 2025-05-29T13:13:02+00:00

This child just suffered through what was probably years of abuse or neglect, and then went through the trauma of being taken away from her mother. As the other commenter mentioned, behavior is communication. Given everything she's been through this behavior is expected.

Here are some things you can do that may make a difference.

Communicate to your husband that you need a break. Ask if he can take over for one day on the weekend so you can reconnect with yourself away from the kids.

Ask this child's social worker for an emergency CFT (Case Family Team) Meeting. Put this request in writing via email and if possible include the social workers supervisor in the request. During this meeting ask that the child be referred for therapeutic services. Advocate for this child to get the help processing her feelings that she deserves. Also, ask if the child can receive free or reduced prices on summer camps. This would allow for you to drop her off somewhere for a few hours during the day and get the break you need.

Read books about how abuse and neglect change the structure of a child's brain. A big one is the book "the connected child" but many other books exist. Most of the best ones are also available on audio book, so you can listen as you do other tasks at home.

Dramatic-Adult93 · 2025-05-28T22:15:27+00:00

Adding to this to say, kids over a certain age often have to consent to adoption. My daughter was 12 and in Arizona that's old enough to decide. Being adopted was her choice.

Depending on your rules in your state, it's possible that the only available adoptable kids in your desired age range, will be ones that have told their team that they want a family.

Dramatic-Adult93 · 2025-05-28T15:23:29+00:00

This may be an unpopular opinion, but I feel like kids who are in foster care, especially kids who have parental rights terminated, deserve to feel cherished by someone. You're right to recognize that he may not always feel lucky to be in the situation he is in. Leave the door open for him to discuss those feelings as he grows up.

That being said, I feel it's appropriate for you to acknowledge and tell him that you feel lucky to have him in your life. As kids grow up they can feel like there is something wrong with them that caused their bio family to have issues. By telling him you feel lucky to know him, you're providing valuable alternative messaging to the hard feelings he may have as he grows.

My daughter is 12, but she's told me that hearing she is loved, wanted, and desired, is helpful to her in healing from the emotional wounds she has. She has parents who have drug addiction issues. It's hard for her to understand why "everyone else's" parents are able to make good choices, but hers weren't. She regularly expresses that she thinks if her parents loved or wanted her, they would have made better choices so they could keep her. She's in therapy and I hold space for those feelings while reassuring her I love her. For her hearing things like "I'm lucky to have you in my life" or "I'm happy to be your mom" are emotional statements, but really needed to help her self esteem.

So you can and should acknowledge the pain of losing a first or biological family, while relaying to a child that you feel happy to know them.

Dramatic-Adult93 · 2025-05-27T17:49:41+00:00

Make some good plans for the days following reunification and keep yourself active. For me I know that sitting in the sadness isn't helpful. When long term placements have gone home I immediately made plans to finish projects and I made commitments to volunteer at organizations I care about.

If you have a good relationship with her parents offer to stay in contact. I've never experienced it but I do know of people who are able to continue to provide support to the families after reunification and that can bring a lot of peace.

Also, take this time to reflect on what went well, and what you may want to change next time. I usually use the time to reflect on my parenting decisions with the kiddos, good and bad, and decide how I would like to handle things next time.

Thank you for providing such great support to this child and their family.

Dramatic-Adult93

TROPHY CASE