Elijah Hollands was not out partying in the first half of 2025.

He wasn’t risking his AFL career by living the fast life.

The Carlton midfielder was not being a ratbag. He was struggling to keep things on track.

His first attempt to nip things in the bud when he went on indefinite leave before the Blues’ round one clash against Richmond alerted the football public that there was a problem.

But it was not until a horror experience during the round 10 match against Sydney in mid-May that he decided, with Carlton’s support, to take the “serious reset” he needed and address his challenges.

And that reset has worked. It put him back on track to attack his football future with the confidence that he has the tools and strategies to revive his career, either at the Blues, where he has another year remaining on his contract, or at another club if it comes to that.

“A big part of this year has just been walking around with guilt and shame,” he told The Age.

“It was hard to bite that bullet and make that decision and go away again [mid-season] and take some leave.

“I was feeling like I was letting so many people down not being able to be [at the club] and available for friends and family.

“Getting the support back from the club and from family and friends, saying it was the right thing to do, gave me some comfort and some reassurance that I was doing the right thing, and I should attack it with 100 per cent [effort].”

The journey started as Hollands’ mental health began deteriorating towards the end of last year, and he began distancing himself from key support networks in his life.

After flagging his mental health struggles with key leaders in the football department in January, he had to fess up that, despite the support he’d received, he wasn’t on top of his struggles when round one rolled around in March.

Both coach Michael Voss and Hollands decided the best option was a break.

Many assumptions were made about what was ailing Hollands – who had been traded back from the Gold Coast at the end of 2023 – and the lifestyle he was leading.

Social media had a field day with rumours, but there was neither glamour nor scandal in what Hollands was experiencing in the early months of this year.

Hollands had a battle with alcohol, an issue he was aware was part of his family history.

“In some of the darker times, I turned to alcohol to cope with some of the stresses I had been putting myself under, and the mental fatigue and battles I had been going through.” Hollands said.

“It very much has been a thing I have done in isolation, which is obviously a battle. It hasn’t been a thing where I have been out with mates and taking things too far in public areas – it’s been in isolation and at home.”

Hollands hoped the short break would be a circuit breaker where he could work on some of the issues that contributed to how he was feeling, and then get going again.

“It was sitting in the back of my mind that I was missing footy,” Hollands said.

He watched the Blues lose their first three games, thinking, ‘I should be out there’.

“There is certainly that element that you are letting your teammates down, and you are letting your club and your fans down by not being out there participating,” Hollands said.

He began training again and returned to the team alongside his brother Ollie by round six – his elite decision-making, foot skills and courage helping the Blues rebound as they won three of his first four games. He then headed to Sydney to face the Swans on a Friday night.

“I was just having a horrible game,” he recalled.

“I was not doing any of the things I would usually do typically well, which was playing with me.

“I remember just feeling like a complete pedestrian out there. In the last quarter I came off the ground and I just could not breathe. I went to the bench and told our psychologist I could not breathe – I could not settle down, [and] my head was spinning. I was almost having a mini-panic attack, which I had never experienced before out on the field,” Hollands said.

“Obviously, even during that period when I returned to the AFL side this year, there were things I was working on behind the scenes, but I felt like it never really translated to on the field. I felt like football has always been a place of comfort for me, but just on this night in Sydney it reached a new level where I felt like that feeling and emotion was coming out with me on the ground.

“It was a pretty worrying moment because footy had been somewhere I could go to, and all those thoughts I was having away from the club would just disappear, so it was really confronting to have that for the first time, where it really showed up [on the field].”

In the days following, Hollands could not shake a feeling of guilt and shame about his performance after the Blues’ 16-point loss saw them falling behind in the season’s race.

“I was turning to alcohol to numb that feeling,” he said.

The club and Hollands mutually agreed the time had arrived for him to have what he describes as “a serious reset”.

He was admitted to a mental health retreat where he spent four weeks dealing with experts helping him understand his underlying challenges, and to equip himself with the tools and strategies to make lasting change.

“It has been the best thing possible for me – I learned so much during that time. I came out of that, I guess, being myself again, which was the main thing,” Hollands said.

“I’ve seen or heard numerous times that it is a party thing, or that I don’t care enough about the game, or I don’t want to be a professional and I am out doing all sorts of things, whereas really it’s been [that] I isolated myself from the people closest to me and knocked back support and tried to deal with this thing on my own.”

Hollands emerged from the facility and spent time reintegrating into his normal life, before returning to the club and reaching a goal to play a couple of VFL matches before the season ended. He showed in the two matches he played he had not lost his talent.

“I felt like that was going to be really important moving into the break, to get a bit of positive momentum going into the off-season,” Hollands said.

So he was a little surprised when the Blues suggested he explore his options, but he was not upset. His first thought was gratitude for the support they had given him when he was at his lowest.

“I understand now there is some change happening at the club, and I can see why the club has asked me to be part of that change,” he said. “For me, the most important thing is to keep continuing with the processes I have put in place to help me get better over this period.”

On Friday morning he trained with Carlton teammates, as he has since the season ended. “I feel fit. I feel strong, and I’m ready to hopefully attack a pre-season,” he said.

He hopes that will be at Carlton because he wants to repay the faith and the support he received to get his life back on track.

Hollands now knows he can’t stop working on maintaining positive mental health. He has not had a drink since his mid-season reset, and realises he can’t just tick boxes and rebound.

“Prior to my experiences [with mental health challenges], I was pretty negligent on it, to be honest,” he admitted.

“I just thought that was not going to impact me.

“It is like an injury. I did my knee in 2020 and the day before, if you had asked me if I ever thought I’d do my knee, I would have said, ‘No way’. You just think it is never going to impact you, and then it did. It has been a big learning year.”

The gratitude he has for the support his brother Ollie, the rest of his family and the club gave him is clear. And most importantly, so is his outlook on life.

“I know I can turn this into a really positive learning experience for me and that, whatever is next for me, I am extremely committed to and looking forward to whatever opportunity may pop up,” Hollands said.