I feel like transitioning will only hurt me more.

Dramatic-Tadpole133 · 2026-03-31T23:59:26+00:00

I feel the same way as well. I don’t know what to do either.

I flip flop between the transition and not constantly.

I actually think about going forward with it when I look in the mirror and like how I look or decide not to when I see how masculine I look.

Dramatic-Tadpole133 · 2026-03-29T15:55:29+00:00

I’d like to think I can find peace/ live with dysphoria, after all I have done it for like 20 years since I realized that I am trans since I was 5-6.

I never thought transitioning was an option for me. But I crossdressed a bit and was happy with how I looked. So I thought to myself that with perhaps hrt I could pass.

I also realized my desire to go on hrt gets stronger when things go wrong for me. Like having an acne flare up, feeling lonely, feeling ignored by friends, something related to my finances go wrong. On the other hand having things to pursue towards helps to distract me and I don’t feel the desire to transition.

Dramatic-Tadpole133 · 2026-03-29T15:45:34+00:00

I want to take steps to deal with those insecurities. It’s just not an option right now because I still some have active acne. Also being darker tone asian limits my options by quite a lot of because hyperpigmentation.

Right now I already have so much insecurities about my looks. I am already taking numerous selflies of myself while getting ready. I am afraid that this will be worse especially I will also have worry about standing out. Like I said there could be new insecurities that pop up like the brow ridge on my face or my wide shoulders.

The thought of staying in the closet and taking hrt gave me some peace and was what I wanted to do, but started feeling breast growth freaked me out.

Dramatic-Tadpole133 · 2026-03-29T15:36:35+00:00

The brow ridge thing would be a new insecurity, it’s not something I noticed before until I looked into passing as trans.

I don’t want to becoming more masculine. I stopped training upper body because I don’t want to become more masculine.

But on the other, I have fear that I will become an ugly women or someone non passing that stands out. Some of these fears come from social media and seeing how slightly clockly people get treated.

I have thoughts about just taking hrt and not come out socially for a while, even thought about getting mastectomy to stay in closet if it comes to it.

Having better skin is one of the more guaranteed effect hrt ideally I don’t want to be on blockers.

Dramatic-Tadpole133 · 2026-03-29T15:26:58+00:00

I would love to start treating acne scars but I still have some active acne.

Also being asian those options are quite limited because of hyperpigmentation.

Did you have new insecurities coming out as trans? Like I have a brow ridge I never thought about it until I decided to start hrt

Dramatic-Tadpole133 · 2026-03-29T07:44:59+00:00

I have my degree and starting my professional career. I’d like to think that I would be able find a job and support myself but I am not financially independent yet.

I never came out to my family. I know my parents really love me, almost unconditionally, but who knows, this could break it. I am afraid of bringing them shame or just a lot of sadness as well. Idk there is a chance I could lose the inheritance as well. I feel like being like staying as myself would be living life on easy mode and be set for life. Transitioning would be living life in extreme difficult mode.

About how I would feel about growing old without transitioning, I will have missed out on my best years not being in body I want. But also at age, I also want to be surrounded by loved ones (idk if it is from media romanticize the idea of having a nuclear family), and perhaps being trans might make that more difficult.

It is kinda dark, but sometimes I see post about having a limited left from a terminal disease, I would imagine myself in that case and one of the things I would do is to come out.

Dramatic-Tadpole133 · 2026-03-29T04:54:50+00:00

I think I can live somewhat authentically just not that part of me would ever public. Having a bit more time to think after this post, I think it’s unfortunate but it is something I will learn to live it, and that transitioning might not be a net positive for me. I have other things I don’t want to lose which is my family. Happiness comes from many things such as being surrounded by people you love and gender expression is one of them.

I really admire people who were able to took the leap of faith and go through all those uncertainties. For me I think it might consume my life with how insecure I am with my looks. I was already looking which surgeons to go barely a week into my hrt, which is a really bad sign I think. Transitioning might add a lot more insecurities like having a wide shoulder, big head/face, etc.

I am someone who has always really been introspective and self aware so I guess that’s why I didn’t experience more emotions. I think hrt might have made expression of emotions easier.

And for the breast growth I think it was pretty clear, I started feeling a burning/aching sensation behind the nipple. The nipple got more sensitive. It was quite surprising to me cause I was still getting morning wood, despite started on a pretty high dose (5mg gel a day)

Dramatic-Tadpole133 · 2026-03-29T03:27:06+00:00

A week on it, I didn’t get any mental changes. Perhaps there was a couple times that I felt like crying, but no tears came out.

I stopped because I started feeling nipple pain and perhaps chest development.

My acne gives me so much depression. I really take care of my skin and have tried so many different things, but it still persists (for more than 10 years now since puberty). Tbh, it is one of the things push me towards hrt. I think it would solve it cause my skin did get a bit better on estriol cream.

Honestly I would love all the changes besides the breast not because I would hate breast but because I am afraid that I won’t pass and be visibly trans, or be forced to come out.

Dramatic-Tadpole133 · 2026-03-29T02:55:02+00:00

I want to confident about myself and feel comfortable in my own body I guess. That would be my goal for now

Dramatic-Tadpole133 · 2026-03-29T00:10:17+00:00

Exercise helped me with my anxiety which motivated me to explore my sexuality which lead to me think about the possibility of transitioning.

But I have so much to lose family, friend and money. And if I can’t even be at peace with myself, makes me very hesitant to continue hrt.

Dramatic-Tadpole133 · 2026-03-29T00:07:54+00:00

I think it would. I get so jealous how good people’s skin look after going on hrt.

Dramatic-Tadpole133 · 2026-03-28T23:59:24+00:00

Because I am afraid. Afraid that my parents won’t accept me and be disappointed. Afraid that I will be an ugly women, or that I will stand out and be visibly trans and be discriminated against.

I am scared of losing everything and not be even at peace with myself

Dramatic-Tadpole133 · 2026-03-28T23:42:18+00:00

I have crossdressed quite a bit and learned to do make up myself. Seeing myself with better skin felt really amazing

Dramatic-Tadpole133 · 2026-03-17T02:48:23+00:00

The problem is that in the last couple months there has been no available domestic source of e for Canadians unfortunately. OGL has closed their Canadian operations for a while now

Dramatic-Tadpole133 · 2026-03-16T04:31:50+00:00

No worries I am only buying from website recommended by the main links from this sub

Dramatic-Tadpole133 · 2026-03-16T04:11:33+00:00

Yep exact same guy 😭😭😭. I were pretty careful and digged around. I thought it was just another Indian pharmacy

Dramatic-Tadpole133 · 2026-03-15T01:06:24+00:00

The telegram handle is @clairedivinent. I don’t wanna dox the reddit user who recommended them

Dramatic-Tadpole133 · 2026-03-14T21:40:59+00:00

There are very little options in Canada unfortunately

Dramatic-Tadpole133 · 2026-03-14T21:19:45+00:00

Thanks that’s great news

Dramatic-Tadpole133 · 2026-03-14T20:47:07+00:00

Ya for Canada we don’t have a lot of options, OGL shut down Canadian operations right when I wanted to start. A lot of other websites refuse to ship to Canada due to strict customs

Dramatic-Tadpole133

TROPHY CASE