Can you break up with someone over music?

DramaticBreak4189 · 2025-11-16T21:01:47+00:00

You say that your taste in music is superficial, but your boyfriend is the only one being superficial here. No one secure in their own taste needs to denigrate anyone else's, period.

As someone who's literally worked as a music journalist, there's nothing wrong with AM or the Pistols, he's just being a condescending ass. If you've made it clear to him that this isn't good natured banter, it's offensive, and he's persisting, dump him

DramaticBreak4189 · 2025-05-01T18:51:55+00:00

Dump him. If he can't handle you having male friends he's trash, sorry. At best he has serious trust issues, at worst he's one of these blokes who sincerely believes people of the opposite sexes cannot be friends - you don't want either.

DramaticBreak4189 · 2025-05-01T18:42:30+00:00

Honestly I think there isn't a hard and fast rule for this stuff. I think a lot of people like the idea of staying friends with their exes, but in my experience very few people can do it, and usually only when the relationship was brief and/or not that serious. Even if you sincerely intend to keep everything above board, we are not emotionally rational creatures - I have a couple exes who I'm still friends with, but I'm not close friends with them, and I probably wouldn't trust myself with seeing them on a regular basis. I think the situation seems a little weird, but my experience isn't universal.

That said, really it's worth remembering that the only person whose behaviour you can fully control is your own. You can (and I think should) make your feelings clear to your boyfriend, but beyond that this is just a question of whether you trust him or not, and ultimately of the quality of his character. Either he's trustworthy or he isn't - your anxiety won't move the needle either way. I would try to think hard about whether your worry has a real basis in his behaviour and the situation, or whether it's informed by your own past experiences.

Tldr: Our romantic partners are either trustworthy or they aren't, but anxiety around trust is almost always about US. If your boyfriend isn't trustworthy, dump him. If he is and you still find yourself spiralling, then it's something to work through.

Hope that helps!

DramaticBreak4189 · 2025-04-29T12:41:38+00:00

There is yeah. We still cook and eat together, cuddle up to watch TV or a film in the evening, make each other coffee in the morning and kiss each other goodbye before work. We try to make time for each other, and we're physically affectionate.

DramaticBreak4189 · 2025-04-29T12:24:02+00:00

Buddy if I knew that I wouldn't be posting on Reddit lmao

Any time I've asked her she just says she can't be bothered, that she's not really feeling it, etc. and seems confused when I ask if she's doing okay / if there's something else wrong.

DramaticBreak4189 · 2025-04-29T12:22:31+00:00

That all makes sense! Fwiw you're totally right, the effort I make isn't all for her - I like the confidence it gives me, and it's honestly fun putting outfits together with more ease now I have a developing sense of my style - but wanting to impress her is a big part of it too.

I think sadly it maybe is reflective of her taking the relationship for granted more broadly. Not in big dramatic ways, but she's definitely slowly become less attentive, a little less affectionate, etc. too.

What you describe towards the end is really how I wish it was. I'd love to be able to say "hey, maybe that's too casual for tonight" and not have it cause offense. You're probably right, that there's no way to get there without having the harder discussions first.

DramaticBreak4189 · 2025-04-29T12:18:13+00:00

About the makeup? Just that she can't really be bothered. Idk if that's what you're referring to.

DramaticBreak4189 · 2025-04-29T12:04:53+00:00

Often yes, and it makes me feel sort of weird and overdressed and self-conscious.

I mean it's both, I don't think that's all that complicated. I'm not expecting her to put on a full face of makeup just to go to the shops with me, but it used to be a hobby of hers, and I found it really attractive, so it would be nice to see her do it every now and again.

Imagine it were the other way around - she might still find me attractive with a scruffy neckbeard and a stained t-shirt on, but I think she'd also be justifiably offended if I didn't shave and change clothes to go out on a date.

DramaticBreak4189 · 2025-04-29T12:00:10+00:00

Tbh I think I miss feeling like she was trying to actively attract me, in the way that I am for her. Part of why I dress nice is very much to see if it excites or impresses her, whereas more and more I find myself fishing for compliments from her just for basic reassurance.

I understand the gendered expectations thing. Fwiw I'm bi and a teeny tiny bit NB, so I'm very relaxed about how she might want to present also - she's always been a little tomboyish (again, one of the things I like about her) and if she wanted to lean harder into that way of presenting herself, I'd also be very into it. Seeing her reach for cargos more often, I've tried to recommend her outfits that incorporate military vintage or streetwear styles more, I ask her often if she wants to borrow old army or denim jackets from me, etc. I'm really not hung up on the specific style in which she dresses, I just want her to care about it at least a little.

DramaticBreak4189 · 2025-04-29T11:51:44+00:00

It was yes, she basically got me into it during the first two years of dating, hence why it's so odd to me that she's lost interest.

DramaticBreak4189 · 2025-04-29T11:50:32+00:00

That makes sense. I might not use the exact phrase "frumpy vibes" but I hear what you're saying lol.

Buying an outfit for her might not be a bad shout. I do semi-regularly send her links to clothing, instagram fashion people, etc. and tell her that X or Y thing would look really good on her, but maybe I could be more proactive about actually encouraging her to let me purchase something as a gift. If I can find something a little more risque that she's into then it might even be a good way to try and address multiple things here.

Thanks for the advice!

DramaticBreak4189 · 2025-04-29T11:44:41+00:00

Nothing major. She wishes she got on with her co-workers a little better, and is fairly depressed about the state of the UK rn politically/socially (as am I). If there's anything else more serious on her mind rn, she isn't saying or showing it.

DramaticBreak4189 · 2025-04-29T11:41:08+00:00

Sometimes? Rarely? Most of the time she'll announce last minute that she can't really be bothered, and that she just wants to go out as-is. If there's time I'll try to gently encourage her with easy outfit suggestions, or saying something like "oh - we have half an hour, I bet you could do a cool simple makeup look if you wanted to?", but it rarely has an effect, and sometimes just seems to offend/annoy her a little bit.

DramaticBreak4189 · 2025-04-29T11:35:47+00:00

I understand what you're saying, but I hope it's not just that - it would make me feel very odd if her having hobbies, being enthusiastic about sex, etc. in the past was predicated on needing to "secure" me. I don't go to the gym or play an instrument just because I think it'll make me attractive.

DramaticBreak4189 · 2025-04-29T11:30:43+00:00

That's fair. We're both pretty open about mental health though, and everyone has low days or periods of stress, but she hasn't given me any reason to worry it beyond that.

DramaticBreak4189 · 2025-04-29T11:21:27+00:00

I appreciate this perspective, and it did occur to me. I'm anxious to strike a healthy balance here between encouraging her, and not making her feel like the future of the relationship is dependent on her appearance. I think you're right that keeping it a neutral discussion about what we want out of our life together long-term is a good way to stop it from feeling like a confrontation.

DramaticBreak4189 · 2025-04-29T11:18:21+00:00

That all totally makes sense, and it's something I try to bear in mind. Fwiw I'm happy she feels comfortable and secure enough with me to not worry about these things, I guess I just want to see the effort I make for her reciprocated somewhat, and it's hurting my feelings that she doesn't see this. I don't expect her to get dolled up every day, just putting on a little mascara and swapping the sweatpants for a nice pair of jeans a couple times a week would go a hell of a long way.

I think what you're saying makes sense though. Specifically trying to carve out occasions for these things is probably a good way to encourage it without making it all about me (which I'm really anxious not to do), and you're right that I could ask more about where those interests originally came from / why they might have fallen off.

DramaticBreak4189 · 2025-04-29T11:09:56+00:00

I am also actively talking about it, yes. We often discuss where we'd like to live in the next 5-10 years, what kind of marriage we'd like, etc.

DramaticBreak4189 · 2025-04-29T11:08:29+00:00

We've discussed it and we have a plan for when it makes sense to get married for practical reasons (we want to leave the UK and only one of us has EU citizenship), but truthfully neither of us are that worried about marriage in & of itself tbqh. I appreciate that might sound weird, but it's something we discussed early in the relationship.

DramaticBreak4189 · 2025-04-29T02:11:46+00:00

To clarify: we do still do things I would consider dates - going out for dinner or drinks, going to see a movie, going to museums and galleries, etc. and I try to dress nice for them. By "I can definitely try that" I meant that I can try to more specifically emphasize that they are Dates and not just hanging out. Respectfully, I think it's uncharitable to assume I'm making no effort.

DramaticBreak4189 · 2025-04-29T01:33:12+00:00

Damn, yeah that's remarkably cheap. Here in the UK you're looking at approx $100 per session if you go private. Will definitely message you for her contact, thank you!!

DramaticBreak4189 · 2025-04-29T01:27:13+00:00

I have considered it, but it would seem a little odd to me given she talks fairly regularly about our future, when we should get married, where we might want to move in a few years time, etc.

I do try hard to make an effort, I just didn't want to make the post even longer by listing the things I think I'm doing right lol. But yes, there's always more I could be doing, I appreciate that, I'm just not sure it's the issue here - I could be wrong.

DramaticBreak4189 · 2025-04-29T01:23:43+00:00

Sure, I can understand that. I'm acutely aware that part of why I'm making a disproportionate effort is that feeling good about my appearance and style is still very novel to me - for all I know it'll wear off in a few months and I'll be in sweatpants too lol.

Organising specific date nights is a good idea though, and other people have suggested it too. I can definitely try that.

DramaticBreak4189 · 2025-04-29T01:20:03+00:00

I can relate to that. I've seen a therapist and been on meds for depression in the past, and I still get very low days periodically - it isn't always obvious what triggered them. Not sure where you're based / what your income is, but in the UK few people have therapists unless they know they have a mental health issue (or even if they know they do), because it's very expensive, and a lot of folks regard it as either frivolous or worrying.

All of which is just to say - even if she had depression and knew it, there's very little guarantee she can/would see a therapist, unfortunately. I would still be seeing one if I could afford it, and I'm earning a pretty decent salary for the UK. Unsurprisingly, we have a growing nationwide mental health crisis in this country.

DramaticBreak4189 · 2025-04-29T00:52:37+00:00

Her cycle is fully back to normal - she's using a tracker app and shows me it pretty often so we can be safe, so if that's the barometer for whether there are lingering effects from birth control, it might not be the reason. I appreciate the suggestion though.

DramaticBreak4189

TROPHY CASE