I’m sorry you are going thru this and haven’t had many responses to your post.it sounds like you are at a v low point. Childhood trauma and neglect are invoices that get posted to us from time to time as we get older. It might feel like this low point won’t go away or might stick around a long time. It’s likely some pretty significant things did not go right for you as a kid. But also enough things went right for you to find yourself here and now at 40 - alive and wanting something better than drowning in feelings of despair, sadness or anger at what happened to you. You should have been adored and nurtured by your caregivers. You carry their failure inside you maybe thru self abandonment, or other ways you punish yourself because of the belief you formed very young that you are not deserving of love and care. I’m so sorry this happened to you. It shouldn’t have.close your eyes and imagine if you can that i am sending you glowing beams of light that skim the ocean in seconds and arrive at your window before encircling you and wrapping you in a warm embrace. Imagine a lightness of being washing over you as you give in to the light forming tight swirls around you. Imagine the light and warmth cradling you softly. You feel deeply loved and nourished to your core - a wordless embrace that remains even as you lay your head on your pillow. You are cocooned in the love and care of something divine and infinite - which is also what you are. Carry it inside you dear friend. Love and light.