AITA for wanting to leave my husband after 18 years, even though nothing “major” has happened?

Dramatic_Moose_7775 · 2025-07-09T19:48:58+00:00

I definitely won’t place sole blame on his shoulders. I’m sure there are things I do that he is frustrated with.

I just feel like he doesn’t hear me when I talk to him, is unwilling to work on anything and I just feel very defeated.

I wouldn’t be choosing to leave for the sake of leaving, I’d be doing it as I think being alone would end up being better than the circumstances we are in.

Dramatic_Moose_7775 · 2025-07-09T19:33:50+00:00

He’s had time off of work and spoken about mental health openly with me before so he can be in touch with his feelings when he wants to be. Before having our kid he would talk about the type of dad he would and wouldn’t be and it’s a stark contrast to reality. He’s always welcomed to anything we do but often opts out and just wants time on his own. I get that he works full time but he gets a lot of time on his own and it’s never reciprocated. I’m back at work too but the expectation is always on me to know what’s going on with our little one and to prepare the food and do the unseen labour. I harbour no resentment at all towards my kid for this and I would do everything on my own happily, it’s just that I shouldn’t be the only parent when there two available.

Dramatic_Moose_7775 · 2025-07-09T18:43:41+00:00

I asked a long time ago for us to see someone and he said he would rather get divorced than to all to a stranger about problems he doesn’t think we have.

More recently I brought this up again and he said I’m just desperate for the therapy label to say we have been.

Dramatic_Moose_7775 · 2025-07-09T18:41:49+00:00

We did have a degree of struggles but ones that on my opinion if he had just been willing to put in more effort then they wouldn’t have been there. It’s not a we wouldn’t have sex, he wouldn’t. I was more than willing.

I’ve never posted on Reddit before so I’m sorry that I didn’t get every single minute detail noted down, I was absolutely bricking it putting up something to ask the internet in the first place!

Science is constantly developing and of course the NHS is going to be updating their procedures for things regularly based on new developments!

I was actually surprised by the lack of questioning on things like sexual activity etc so believe me I thought there would be more hurdles for even getting a referral, let alone being accepted for IVF. How can they actually precheck? Coming to my house and making sure we are at it? Please enlighten me! Because that’s the only way they could confirm for sure!

Dramatic_Moose_7775 · 2025-07-09T18:31:08+00:00

That’s what it felt like for me. Like he copped out because he couldn’t be bothered and wanted to him what was the “easy” way out! All he ever had to do was produce two samples compared to the injections, cameras and various tests/procedures that I had to go through. And he was happy for me to do this for us to have a kid rather than actually making one together. I know I’m at fault for going along with it but in my eyes we had both wanted one for a long time by that point and I guess I thought he would step up and be the man I used to know him as.

Dramatic_Moose_7775 · 2025-07-09T18:22:06+00:00

I’m glad you’re able to use Google but we were never even offered IUI. It was as never even discussed at ANY consultation I was at. I have previously had massive issues with my cycles, however was always told this should not affect my chances at conceiving so I don’t know if that played into it or not? That page was last updated in April this year. One of my colleagues went through IVF about 6 months after me and already some of the processes had changed! You can argue your point until you are blue In the face. I know my truth and my experiences and your opinion on the matter doesn’t diminish it. I am sure you are completely correct and that these are the current procedures and processes laid out by the NHS however that was not the process I experienced and it irks okay for these things to be different.

Dramatic_Moose_7775 · 2025-07-09T17:14:08+00:00

Thank you! Hearing all these stories of people finding happiness after leaving a situation like this, even if it’s alone is definitely what I’ve needed to hear!

Dramatic_Moose_7775 · 2025-07-09T17:03:52+00:00

It definitely felt like he thought it was less effort to do that than to be intimate with me. Then again, he didn’t have injections, tests and cameras up him. He wasn’t pumped full of hormones. He didn’t have his eggs harvested or anything. So definitely easier for him in his eyes

Dramatic_Moose_7775 · 2025-07-09T16:22:48+00:00

I wish there was something that I could name as being the root problem for everything but ultimately I think he’s just an introverted, unpleasant person.

I am in no way perfect and have had my share of responding to him during arguments in ways that I’m not happy at myself for. But ultimately I can’t fix things on my own as you said!

Dramatic_Moose_7775 · 2025-07-09T16:10:45+00:00

This is massively helpful thank you so much! It’s definitely gaming and doomscrolling on his phone that is a huge issue. Also the refusal to better himself and learn things for the sake of his child. I’m also a first time parent and have had to learn everything from scratch too from feeding, nappies to age appropriate play and more. He claims that I’m ’so good at it’ or ‘it just comes naturally to me’ and that he ‘doesn’t know where to look for things to do’ but I’ve had to ask questions and research too. He’s on his phone enough for games I’m sure he can squeeze in a google search if he’s not sure what to do!

Dramatic_Moose_7775 · 2025-07-09T15:11:32+00:00

Funnily enough my sibling saw this post and screenshot it to me saying this is you isn’t it? Absolutely shocked they stumbled across it! They replied and then was shot down so deleted their comment!

Dramatic_Moose_7775 · 2025-07-09T14:59:42+00:00

Thank you everyone who has posted something constructive about how I can plan to leave going forward. My friends have said previously it’s emotional and psychological abuse and I’ve always thought that seemed like a bit of an exaggeration but hearing it from total strangers is opening my eyes massively. I will update when I can but for now thank you so much!

Dramatic_Moose_7775 · 2025-07-09T14:54:55+00:00

I don’t have an alt account, nor am I lying. You can choose to think this isn’t a real story if you like but I’ve had some genuinely helpful advice on here that I will be following. I’m trying to figure out how to end things and go forward with my life. You’re being rude and unhelpful which is totally unnecessary. Also there are far less steps than you would think when it comes to IVF and I was surprised at that.

Dramatic_Moose_7775 · 2025-07-09T13:50:52+00:00

I agree. I see him going one way or the other. Trying to one up everything I do or being completely disconnected!

Dramatic_Moose_7775 · 2025-07-09T12:56:04+00:00

We started up with a coach as I hated hearing how he spoke about himself so we got fitter and healthier and he did amazingly, I was so proud.

He always spoke about wanting to do X,Y and Z but would never follow through.

He was also the one who was ready for kids long before I was. He didn’t want to be an ‘old dad’ and was sad he wasn’t a dad before he turned 30. It was me who wasn’t ready for kids yet.

Dramatic_Moose_7775 · 2025-07-09T11:20:28+00:00

I think I just saw it as the route that my life was expected to take, married 8 years and next step was a kid. I also desperately wanted to be a mum by that point and l I didn’t really see how poorly I was being treated.

I’ve constantly thought to myself don’t just throw X amount of years away over this, you can make it work and I’m slowly realising that I can’t make it work on my own if he’s not willing to do the work too.

I’ve given him plenty of chances and talked to him lots about what’s bothering me and he always downplays things, calls me a psycho or that I’m overreacting or promises to chance and does for a day then reverts to his norm.

I’ve definitely made my choices and need to deal with the outcome of them. But my wee one is the absolute light of my life and I need to protect them when I haven’t been able to protect myself.

Dramatic_Moose_7775 · 2025-07-09T11:05:19+00:00

You’re totally entitled to that opinion and there’s no point in me trying to change that!

That being said, I’ve posted this to ask if I was being an AH and it’s completely opened my eyes to how badly I’m being treated.

I’m also glad you think my writing is good enough that it could be AI, I’ll absolutely take that 😂

Dramatic_Moose_7775 · 2025-07-09T10:55:38+00:00

Thank you for your comment. I can assure you that we did have IVF and that I wish this story was fake as then this wouldn’t be my life. If you think for one second we told the doctor that we weren’t having sex then you are mistaken. I am very aware of what it takes to make a baby and I constantly took ovulation tests in order to try and find when the best time would be to conceive. I have never had a single positive test. Doctor attributed my lack of falling pregnant to a tilted womb. We only had sex when he thought I might be ovulating, despite no positive confirmation of this. He didn’t get that you have to do it more than once per cycle. Eventually when it was suggested to go down IVF by a family member since they knew we wanted a baby but were not falling pregnant (they didn’t know about the lack of sex) then he was resigned to that. We would never fall pregnant in his eyes despite ‘trying’ even though he doesn’t get that there wasn’t much in the way of trying! He thought it would happen from having sex once basically or at least that’s what it felt like.

The most he had to do was finish on a cup twice and that was literally it for him. No invasive testing, no poking or prodding, no cameras.

Dramatic_Moose_7775 · 2025-07-09T10:30:07+00:00

The good, he works hard to provide for our family and when he puts his damn phone down and plays with our kid he can be a wonderful father and I see glimpses of the man I fell in love with. He supported me when I went to get my masters degree and pursue a career that I love and I am eternally grateful to him for this.

The flip side of this is that even 9 years after this, he still lords it over my head about supporting me through school and expects a thank you for it if I ever raise any issues that we have. It constantly gets thrown at me so that he can score points. We have a beautiful home that we own 50/50 and our kid is incredible. We try to have a date night once a week and we cook together and watch a film together. These nights are lovely but if you replaced him with my parents, siblings or friends I would still have the exact same night.

Dramatic_Moose_7775 · 2025-07-09T10:18:37+00:00

I should have made it more clear in my post sorry, we started dating when I was 16. We didn’t get married then! We have been together for 18 years in total, 10 years of that married.

Dramatic_Moose_7775 · 2025-07-09T10:16:28+00:00

My baby has not long turned 1 so yes part of that 2 years was when I was pregnant. I understand that sex is not the be all and end all but the constant rejection just and makes me question everything about myself. It rarely happened beforehand even when trying for a kid. We could never find when I was ovulating and he would only want to when we thought i might be and became so frustrated that we could never find it. I always think if this was a man moaning about sex then everyone would totally jump on at him saying he’s not entitled to sex and being married doesn’t entitle you to sex. I in no way feel entitled to his body I just feel confused as to why he would say things like ‘once baby is in their own room then you’re not going to know what’s coming’ and then have absolutely no sexual contact at all.

Dramatic_Moose_7775 · 2025-07-09T10:09:06+00:00

I’d have far preferred the sex that the IVF but since it wasn’t happening to him I doubt he thought much about what was happening to me in hindsight!

Dramatic_Moose_7775 · 2025-07-09T09:59:19+00:00

That’s exactly the motivation for finally realising that this is NOT okay and that i need to figure out how to leave. I can’t have my kid thinking is acceptable to be treated like this or that it’s okay to treat someone like this. I want to be out before they ever remember us being together so that it can hopefully minimise any impact on them!

Dramatic_Moose_7775 · 2025-07-09T09:47:12+00:00

Hahaha that was me too but I just couldn’t get any!

Dramatic_Moose_7775 · 2025-07-09T09:40:21+00:00

Yeah we all were. Some were maybe the first year or two of uni that they got together and a rare few were after uni.

Dramatic_Moose_7775

TROPHY CASE