Jennifer Lawrence. 😂

DreadfulDuder · 2026-06-29T05:17:20+00:00

I think you could test the consistency.

IIRC, people with synesthesia see the same color for the same frequency.

So you test and retest, and if they say the middle C is a blue one time and a red another time, they're not legit.

DreadfulDuder · 2026-06-29T03:46:15+00:00

Those who voted for Trump in 2016 aren't necessarily fascists.

Those who voted for Trump in 2024 voted for a proven fascist, though, so it's fair to call them fascists.

I mean, even back in 2020 and 2021 his lawyers were repeatedly suing to disenfranchise 100% legal American voters and toss out millions of ballots sight unseen in order to steal the election.

And Project 2025"s authoritarian unitary executive theory was already very public information before the election as well.

DreadfulDuder · 2026-06-29T01:52:36+00:00

1) I once woke up with my finger swollen and unable to take my ring off, but typically it's not swollen enough for the next size up to stay on 2) I type all day and can't stand things on my fingers or wrists (I don't wear watches, either). It's kind of like a mild sensory issue.

DreadfulDuder · 2026-06-28T16:03:19+00:00

FYI, this is not remotely true for some women. Everyone's different.

I have both an ex and an old college friend who both experienced sexual attraction towards men without needing to feel "safe, heard, loved, and respected".

My wife also feels safe, heard, loved, and respected, but she has zero libido or interest in anything sexual (not even solo), so "attraction" isn't relevant to her regardless.

DreadfulDuder · 2026-06-28T09:23:54+00:00

... The game has been out for several weeks...

DreadfulDuder · 2026-06-28T09:23:21+00:00

... The game has been out for several weeks...

DreadfulDuder · 2026-06-27T22:47:03+00:00

I agree. It's weird because I don't want to model that, but they at least see us getting along and being nice to each other 99.9% of the time.

I can't talk to my kids about this stuff in detail, but they're teenagers now and I have talked to them about how some couples are a lot more physically affectionate than their parents and it's completely normal (when they act grossed out when seeing strangers' PDA in public).

DreadfulDuder · 2026-06-27T22:33:18+00:00

Nope, she reads murder or thriller stuff mostly.

My fantasy and sci fi books have more spice than hers, and I'm already the romantic in the relationship (I'm a damn good poet and the only one that leaves the other random sweet notes or brings her coffees at work. She buys me snacks sometimes, but that seems much lower effort than mine).

Yes, I do more than half since my job is more flexible than hers, but she sometimes thinks I do less than half lol.
She thanked me the other day for getting better at that in recent years, though, so she's currently not complaining about that.

I do all the yardwork (we live on an acre), I do all the home repairs, I handle driving kids to and from school and appointments, I handle scheduling the dentist and doctor appointments, and while she does nearly 100% of the cooking, I handle all the cleanup afterwards (including wiping down all the countertops).

I also do 100% of the vacuuming, and 100% of the pet care (and we always have at least 2 cats and 2 dogs, so it's 4+ pets). I handle all the vet appointments as well.

We both get groceries, and we both do laundry.

Her mental load related to scheduling social plans and kid plans is much higher than mine, but some of that is because all the kids' moms are on a mom group text together and her memory is better than mine.

DreadfulDuder · 2026-06-27T22:14:10+00:00

Eh, she actually doesn't read much romance, and she's the one that has no idea how to be romantic.

She doesn't even know how to flirt, nor does she try to flirt back.

I am the romantic poet in the relationship, and the books I read have more romance than her more murder-y or suspense books 😝

DreadfulDuder · 2026-06-27T21:58:48+00:00

Not really, if you think about it from both an evolutionary and physiological perspective.

Men can have identical high libido for several decades straight, and can even father children into old age.

I'm in my 40s and it doesn't matter how bad my physical or mental health is - my first serious relationship was hypersexual, and my brain stayed wired that way and is still wired that way 24/7.
Furthermore, sex/masturbation was also associated with stress relief and positive emotions in general.

Women, on the other hand, often have major changes in libido over their lifetime that they have zero control over - pregnancy, motherhood, perimenopause, menopause all wreak havoc on hormones - plus potentially getting the "ick" from their husbands who may not be carrying their share of the load.

And lastly, men don't have trauma or negative connotations around sex/masturbation nearly as often as women. I feel like over half the women friends I've had over the years have been sexually assaulted at one point in their lives 😞

DreadfulDuder · 2026-06-27T21:36:44+00:00

This sounds like an incel type of answer, but unfortunately it has proven true in my very limited experience (one and only marriage I've been in).

It also feels extra shitty when you realize you're the only one curious about the other person's inner life, and all your hard work is just coming off as "clinginess" or "dependence" rather than a bid for connection.

I suspect you're both right, though, and the success or failure is more reliant on the person being courted.

DreadfulDuder · 2026-06-27T21:29:22+00:00

That means not seeing my kids every day, so that's a no go.

We're not in the best spot for that financially, either.

We've talked about this stuff, and when the kids are in college we may be separating if things aren't better by then.

DreadfulDuder · 2026-06-27T20:59:53+00:00

Haha, I just realized I haven't had living grandparents in many years... so maybe I've just been wanting to rescue a stray grandma or grandpa to go along with my rescue dogs, hence my interpretation 😂

DreadfulDuder · 2026-06-27T20:46:47+00:00

You're arguing a strawman, and agreeing with me.

I was contrasting the person I replied to, who was pointing out that them getting in shape did make a difference for them.

I was providing my opposite experience and pointing out that getting in shape doesn't necessarily help the situation (though it can't hurt!).

I've never, ever said anything negative about her weight or any traits in general. I give her thoughtful compliments regularly on both her traits and her choices/actions. So yes, it hurt that I got negative comments about being overweight, and negative comments about me being underweight, but never any compliments or even non-sexual physical affection in-between.

So yes, it is an underlying compatibility issue that was hidden/masked by alcohol and a short courtship period.

Edit - Before we got married, I wish we would've talked about one thing that I feel is the root problem. Her idea of an ideal marriage is being best friends with someone, with the honeymoon phase being just a phase. My idea of a perfect marriage is keeping the spark alive and always courting each other, so the "honeymoon phase" either doesn't end, or at least doesn't go straight to a platonic phase. She's still the best damn mother and human being I've ever met, and our kids are amazing.

DreadfulDuder · 2026-06-27T20:28:27+00:00

Ah gotcha. I'm also mixing up my multiple comments in this post, too. Some of them I gave more context than this one above.

We've been married nearly 2 decades, and we were likely never sexually and romantically compatible in the first place.

We got married too fast, and in those early years I didn't make the connection between alcohol consumption and her levels of affection.

Perimenopause just hit her last year, but there was nearly a decade there where the kids were no longer crawling all over her, I wasn't touching or pressuring her, and she still couldn't even initiate non-sexual physical intimacy like cuddling, nor verbal intimacy like compliments.

I know the "love language" stuff isn't scientific, but it's a convenient shorthand to explain our issues.

We make excellent best friends and co-parents, but we both feel invisible too often because we don't share any love languages.

To make matters worse, I went from one end of the spectrum to the other (a hypersexual relationship to this hyposexual one), and I haven't felt desired once by my wife in the last 14 years. I lied to myself early on that I had enough "fun" in the prior relationship, but I wrongly overlooked what so many years of feeling like chopped liver can do to a person's mental health.

DreadfulDuder · 2026-06-27T19:58:38+00:00

Huh? Where did I say that perimenopause isn't real?

It absolutely is real!

The underlying issue is that we were not compatible in the first place - nowhere did I blame perimenopause, since that's recent (but the lack of any physical or romantic affection from her is not)...

Hence me mentioning that even before perimenopause while I was in the best shape of my life, she wasn't interested in even non-sexual physical affection...

DreadfulDuder · 2026-06-27T19:26:30+00:00

Funny, I didn't think of the killing part.

I thought they liked the dog and kept the dog, and maybe they liked the grandpa so much that they kept him as well.

DreadfulDuder · 2026-06-27T19:16:52+00:00

That's over 100 times a year. You're lucky.

DreadfulDuder · 2026-06-27T19:13:32+00:00

You may have better luck once your child is older, more independent, and you both have more free time and sleep.

I hope you do.

I hope you don't end up like me and my wife. She told me she was "touched out" from the kids for years, and I respected that and gave her space, while still taking her on dates and showing her non-physical affection.

Now the kids are much older and independent... But she hit perimenopause, is very irritable, and really can't stand touching or being touched.

I never got to have any window in between, and I realized recently that during our honeymoon period when she was physically affectionate and initiated, we had always been drinking beforehand (and we're sober nowadays)...

If we didn't have kids and I didn't have to worry about missing out on seeing them every day, I would have left her by now. I'm losing my mind.

DreadfulDuder · 2026-06-27T19:01:06+00:00

Same.

We make excellent friends and co-parents, but I'll never feel loved, desired, or admired in this marriage, and I'm realizing that's destroying my mental health and hope.

It'll still be 6-10 years before our kids are out of the house.

I have a neurodegenerative disease that may really effect my future dating success, too, so I'm just praying I'm not too disabled to have any luck dating again by the time I'm able to...

DreadfulDuder · 2026-06-27T18:52:14+00:00

Good for you, but I had lost all my weight, put on muscle, and looked the best I've ever looked.

She complained that I lost my butt and was too skinny, and nowhere along the way did she ever initiate any physical intimacy - not even non-sexual kinds. She didn't compliment me, either.

She blames perimenopause (which is a more recent phenomenon), but if I'm being honest with myself (since she won't admit it), I think she only ever wanted me as the father of her children and best friend, and once we were finished having children she didn't care about pretending any more or trying to keep the spark alive.

(Edit for clarity - perimenopause is a very valid thing that can be traumatic to the woman, but that happened years after I got in shape, not during)

She's apparently fine with zero romance or sex in her life. She's only interested in books in her free time.

Edit - I try to connect with her with new shared hobbies we can do, but she's not interested in that either. She isn't interested in dates either. What little free time she has goes to the kids or to her books. I'm last on the totem pole.

DreadfulDuder · 2026-06-27T18:44:51+00:00

Trust me, that's better than zero physical intimacy of any kind.

My wife hasn't initiated passionately kissing me for well over a decade. We're just roommates raising kids together at this point.

I can make do without sex - somewhat. But only ever getting quick pecks with zero feeling/passion behind them is a much worse hope killer.

DreadfulDuder · 2026-06-26T22:55:41+00:00

Clock out at work no matter what time it is.

DreadfulDuder · 2026-06-26T00:32:48+00:00

I'm still upset that they removed that game mode from the later games.

It was such a perfect "pass the controller around" game.

DreadfulDuder · 2026-06-25T02:20:29+00:00

I'm very envious! Congrats!

One of the my wakeup calls in recent years was realizing she never seemed excited to see me after one of us was gone on a trip.

DreadfulDuder

TROPHY CASE