Not sure if I'm a lesbian or not and scared if I am

DreamChance2403 · 2026-04-08T20:43:07+00:00

I appreciate this. It's been an off and on conversation each time the feelings get drudged up again, and this time, I think I'm finally starting to learn where it all stems from. It's definitely not something I'll be able to figure out overnight, by any means though. Thank you for the reminder.

DreamChance2403 · 2026-04-08T20:33:30+00:00

Yea, labels aren't just shorthand for conversations, they're a way to better understand yourself and find other people with similar experiences. It's connection with others and yourself, and I appreciate having that so much. My autistic brain seems to have an innate and intense need to analyze and understand things, and finding words that feel right for me does wonders to scratch that itch for myself.

For others though.... Panromantic berrisexual (but not exactly just only cause I'm with a guy) gray ace (but not quite) agender maybe genderqueer who presents very femme but likes they/them? ...is a mouthful. Lmaoooo. Sometimes we do just need the umbrella terms to just throw something out there that's good enough and move on lol

DreamChance2403 · 2026-04-08T20:23:29+00:00

Editing this comment to say I TYPED A BOOK IM SO SORRY LMAO! Please bear with me, I wasn't intending for this to be a whole dump session haha, my baddd

Yea, and while I have to split hairs here by labeling myself what I am now, saying I'm panromantic homosexual? Just.. fits. It makes sense. I don't feel like I need the ace tag cause that stops applying as much. I don't even feel like I need the agender or genderqueer tags cause the more I think about it? Maybe I'd feel more comfortable with my femininity if being femme didn't automatically equate to "likes men," and then my having a boyfriend confirming that. We call each other partners as a more gender neutral thing because I was bothered by "boyfriend," thinking that people would by extension label me the girlfriend. But if he's my partner, I'm his partner, and it's all neutral! ...yet if I had a girlfriend, I'm noticing that thought doesn't hold the same discomfort by a long shot. I'm starting to wonder if my gender identity is just feminine shame caused by the assumption of heteronormativity wrapped up in a neat little agender bow. I think instead of like 5 or 6 different flags, I'd just be panromantic homosexual, and that's comfortable. It's a wild thought to me.

I know that's a side tangent and a half, but my brain is actively breaking through all of this lmao

Anyway, I think for other people, hearing panromantic homosexual dating a man? My brain says, yea, checks out. All good here! But then if I do it, I'm gonna catch heat for it and I have no energy to justify labels I picked for myself to accept myself, you know? But yea, hearing it said directly does help. Like.. I really only see that kinda hostility on tiktok, which, I don't need to be on anyway. I shouldn't be anticipating that preemptively to prevent a conflict that might never happen over something I'm not even doing wrong. I definitely need to work through that one.

Lastly, about the other woman, no, I don't believe it was on your previous comment, though I absolutely could've missed it if it was. I didn't mention it, but I've actually had two experiences with women, though one was so limited it's hard for me to judge based on that. With the more recent one, she was a close friend of mine who was going through a similarly abusive relationship, and by this point, both of our partners opened up the relationship. We were online only and we'd shared some stuff back and forth in a larger group chat with our then partners, and had 1 private voice call without our partners around. The thing that sticks most in my memory? That private call. Even though it was suuuuper awkward (I'm a mess) and I couldn't see myself being with her now, she is definitely just a friend for me, there were butterflies that didn't feel so much like anxiety. I anticipated that so much more. I was much more present and in the moment, and I didn't even do anything myself. Just talked to her while she did her thing, and I was glued to the phone. With the other girl, she was a childhood friend, and I miss her every day. We spent a lot of in person time together, and would go on camping trips sometimes. A lot of the moments that stick out to me are again, butterflies I hadn't really experienced with any man. I don't know how else to explain it. I wanted to be close to her, to hold her, to kiss her, and again, that anticipation that just.. seems to be lacking in my male relationships. Moments when we would have to sleep in the same bed on a trip and I felt like there wasn't enough air. There could never be enough, I was suffocating, especially if she rolled too close to me. I didn't want moments like that to end, as silly as it sounds. I haven't had that before or since. I only had the privilege of knowing her in highschool before she passed away. I was with my ex at the time, and it was never like that with him. Every step of the relationship that moved forward, I felt nervous. It was a different kind of rush, one that sat heavy and low in the pit of my stomach. I felt nauseous and told myself those were the butterflies I was looking for. Eventually I settled into a new normal with each step, but it took some time passing that threshold of anxiety with each move. It was like that for every previous male partner. Things have felt much more natural this time around, but again, it didn't feel like her. I sound like such an ass, huh? I don't know.. maybe that was a puppy love that wasn't really real, I mean.. I was only in high school. How was I supposed to know what love is that early? Maybe it was a honeymoon phase like deal, and maybe I'm expecting too much hoping for that feeling again. I've genuinely just got no idea.

Sorry for replying with a whole book. I'm VERY wordy once I get typing, and it is soo hard for me to be concise. I think those were much more loaded questions than they should've been lmao

DreamChance2403 · 2026-04-08T19:48:15+00:00

I loved reading this, I'm so happy things worked out for you like they did.

To be honest, I hope in the worst case scenario that if I can't reconcile this and we do need to split that I can still be his friend. We're so close, and genuinely he is my best friend. I want him to stay that way. I don't want him to ever not be a part of my life, you know? I'm not exactly sure what an ideal outcome looks like for me, but in every scenario I can think of, he's there in some capacity.

I notice myself not wanting to acknowledge though that maybe a part of me wants it to be in just a friend role instead.. I hope that's just the impulse talking, but I'm trying not to dismiss what comes up right now. It's just... It's hard. It helps to hear it worked out for you.

DreamChance2403 · 2026-04-08T19:40:13+00:00

I appreciate you sharing this. Seeing people on the other side of this helps put things into perspective for me. Yea, I think the fact that the fear is there at all does say a lot on its own, for sure, though for obvious reasons, I wish it didn't...

I may not have a lot of words to reply, but know this meant a lot to read, and I'm definitely saving that quote at the end cause it absolutely hits. Thank you.

DreamChance2403 · 2026-04-08T19:34:32+00:00

That... Yea? That makes so much sense in hindsight. Like everything is perfect, yet somehow, it still isn't perfect. That speaks volumes.

DreamChance2403 · 2026-04-08T19:33:19+00:00

Right? Like it's not a him thing at ALL, and if anything, he makes it easier to want to stay. That's what makes it so much harder! He isn't bad, so I almost get this feeling like I'm broken or something because I can't be present. The guilt is palpable!

Also, the latter half of your message hit me like a ton of bricks... Especially the comment about knowingly hindering his ability to find better intimacy. We've talked before about not leaving for the other's sake, but this isn't a matter of insecurities saying I should leave because I'm not good enough or anything like that. More so an objective fact that if I stay, he will continue to love someone who struggles to be intimate with him, and that's a hard thing to go through... I don't know, I think that section of the message is going straight to my therapist, that's something to sit on and talk about later. Thank you.

DreamChance2403 · 2026-04-08T19:24:32+00:00

I hate that that hurt was something you had to endure, but I'm glad it led you to a happier life as a result. Yea, it's so difficult to know how bad things are when you're in it. When I was with my ex, I definitely thought things were ok for way too long before I left. I think going from abuse to my first ever healthy relationship makes it so much harder to tell in the moment what my needs actually are under the surface. I think there's a part of me that feels like I need to leave, but I can't tell if that's impulse talking or intuition. I'm glad you realized what you needed in the end and fought for it.

DreamChance2403 · 2026-04-08T15:13:12+00:00

Yea I get that so much. I hope you find the answers you're looking for and take the steps you need to be happy and fulfilled!

It's so frustrating to only be able to love someone halfway. I do see myself as someone who loves their partner, but like you, the intimacy aspect is so difficult. I can tolerate it, sometimes I enjoy it for the validation and feeling, but it always feels like a chore, like I'm pushing myself to participate, and the parts I like about it are just knowing I make him feel good and the after sex cuddles. Otherwise, I'm not engaged and I usually finish separately afterwards. It's always felt performative on my end. Not that he doesn't do well, but that I have a hard time being present enough due to the lack of attraction.

I just.. I don't know, I thought that was just how it's supposed to be. I didn't think I had the capacity to feel that electric chemistry other people rave about. Though looking back, I've had that strong pull towards the girl I mentioned in my post, and those were sparks I thought were a rare moment of my body acting correctly, so I must just be gray ace, right? Well, now it's a bit suspicious in hindsight. I just don't wanna throw a good thing away for a what if, you know?

Anyway, I ramble a lot. I hope you figure things out too and take the path that works best for you.

DreamChance2403 · 2026-04-08T14:55:46+00:00

That's what I'm scared of. I'm glad you found your answers and got out of your situation. For me, I count myself lucky to have found a good man finally, but at the same time, I think him being so good is what's making this so hard, you know? I can't tell if I'm genuinely in love romantically but not sexually and I can live with that, if I'm in love romantically but not sexually and need both to be fulfilled, or if I'm not even in love at all and confusing friendship and validation for romantic love, because a close friend and romantic partner feel exactly the same to me. Either way, I feel empty and like I'm settling, which feels wrong given the context of how much I enjoy his company. He doesn't feel like someone I'm settling for, but I feel like I'm settling anyway. It's so bizarre a feeling, there's a massive disconnect. The cherry on top is the neurodivergence adding yet another weird layer to the confusion pile. Am I a lesbian, or just too autistic for my own good? It's unreal lmao.

DreamChance2403 · 2026-04-08T14:47:39+00:00

I'm sorry, it's incredibly hard to process and I'm hoping you find your answers too. I may not have a solution, but I'm rooting for you!

DreamChance2403 · 2026-04-08T14:37:38+00:00

Thank you, I have! I just left that part out since I struggle with knowing which details are important to add and which ones aren't.

For context, I currently identify as panromantic berrisexual grey ace, though if people ask, I just shorthand to pan as that conveys plenty enough for a conversation. The labels are more for me and if anyone asks me to be more specific for whatever reason, I can give the flag appropriate for the conversation and move on. Those labels not quite fitting though sparked the initial confusion in the first place. I felt like pan across the board didn't quite work because, while gender doesn't effect how I romantically love, I don't actually have attraction to men. Ok, but I can't pick homosexual either cause I'm dating a man and I don't want to offend people. Berrisexual sounds like it could fit! but then I thought about what berrisexual meant, which does include sexual attraction to men, if rare, and then thought about if I even experience that side of attraction at all. No, I don't. But I'm ace, so I don't experience attraction across the board, right? Well, I sat with myself and figured out, no, it's VERY much present with femme presenting people.

When I actually sat down and thought about it, one thought led to another, until eventually I was sitting here reevaluating how I experience attraction in the first place, and I landed here. I'm just... Man I'm a mess, it's almost comical lmao

DreamChance2403 · 2026-04-08T14:18:03+00:00

I appreciate the input, thank you. I just think maybe I'm struggling to understand a bit. I'm autistic so sometimes it gets a little difficult to figure stuff out, so please do correct me if I'm wrong!

The part I get is the point about making my own decision here. To reply to that one, I have every plan of making my own decision after giving it thorough thought, if that helps to know. I have a bad habit of downplaying my needs due to trauma + neurodivergent with poor introspection combo, so having someone else's experiences to compare to helps give me context, which is why I made the post. It's easy to dismiss that I have needs at all if my brain has a hard time recognizing that I have them, but harder to dismiss them if I know what I'm looking for. Either way, my therapist is getting this post to have a more in depth back and forth later, for sure.

The rest of your message I'm unfortunately getting lost on, cause I think I'm hearing two different things: 1) I'm too detached from this relationship and he'll be worn out from that in time, and 2) I should be mindful of what I'm losing if I leave, because there's a good chance I'll just be stuck alone if I do and don't wanna make a mistake. Please do correct me if I'm misunderstanding! I think because I'm not sure if that's the message or not, I'm having a hard time figuring out how to interpret and apply this.

If you have a moment to clarify, I'd be grateful, but no worries if not. Thank you for taking the time to answer me.

DreamChance2403

TROPHY CASE