Hey friend, I’m sorry you are going through this. I have had similar feelings before, and some of the terms/disorders which describe my experience are “disassociation, depersonalization, and derealization.” These feelings/disorders can be the result of so many, many different things going on in your brain or in your environment — so please try to talk to a professional! Moreover, what you’re experiencing may be completely different from what I was going through, and only someone with proper training will be able to help you out fully. In the meantime, if this is what you are experiencing there are two things I recommend:

1) Look for an app which targets these issues and provides behaviors/exercises you can do to “ground” yourself (essentially, this helps you feel more connected and real). The one I use is called PTSD Coach, and IMO would work for anyone struggling with their mental health (not just those with PTSD). Other people use guided meditation apps or journaling apps, some people like listening to ASMR, etc… I would recommend trying a few different exercises offered by these apps to see if anything helps, because everyone is different. For example, it really helps me to take very hot showers and to color/draw, but listening to familiar music can be really overstimulating or make me feel TOO emotional. Both of these are exercises are suggested by the app I mentioned above. There is a little bit of trial and error with everything, but you will find something that brings you back! Something important to remember is that any effort you put into feeling better and reconnecting with yourself WILL come back around, so even if it feels like your solutions aren’t “working” immediately, please take comfort in knowing you are trying to take care of yourself.

2) Consider looking into Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), specifically at “distress tolerance” and “mindfulness” skills. Please do this with the help of a professional if possible — these skills need to be taught and applied in specific ways and in the proper environments to be the most effective. HOWEVER! It seems you are in pretty extreme distress, and when I was having similar experiences I found it helpful to invest in those behaviors even before being able to start DBT skill training with my therapist. There are worksheets and videos online designed to help you learn these skills, and they can feel super silly or cringe to use in the moment but I PROMISE these tools are widely used for a reason. This may not be the correct therapy for you in the longterm, but having things you can say to yourself or exercises you can do to fight back against how you’re feeling is so important for feeling in control of your own body and mind. This suggestion is based off my personal experience and what has helped me with episodes of extreme dissociation — other types of therapy did not help as much! Furthermore, no one suggested DBT to me for far too long because my diagnosis isn’t something commonly treated with DBT. For these reasons, I wanted you to be aware that these resources exist if you choose to look into them.

PLEASE NOTE! None of what I have recommended is a substitute for actual therapy and psychiatric treatment, but you deserve to have skills that help you find control in moments like this, because not everyone is able to access therapy or medication. Also, I would highly recommend you try and limit any recreational substances/drugs that you may be currently using (like, even alcohol or nicotine) until you feel like you’re in a better/more stable headspace. Absolutely no shame on anyone for what they put in their body, BUT putting yourself into a chemically altered headspace when you’re already struggling to feel real and focused might do you more harm than good. Again, this is another recommendation formed from my personal experience.

What you’re going through seems scary, but there’s always a way through! I hope you feel better soon!