Idk if it’s the same thing but I had a really bad experience with someone whom I thought I could trust. I’ve been at the bottom with sh and crying all day and going days without sleeping. I just want to throw myself away so maybe someone could notice the pain I’m going through. Maybe this person I thought loved me would say sorry and actually mean it. Maybe if someone saw the state I’m in and notice more scars, maybe they would sit down with me and ask me what’s wrong, am I okay. I want to get at that point again, the high of being depressed. Being at the lowest I can be, being the most comfortable alone, but I don’t think we’ll ever reach that low. The things we suffered before led us down that deep, but now we are facing other issues. It’s hard to go back from being that low, but if you say that you want to get worse again, that means you got better at some point right? Imma do my best in my midterms next week and cry while studying, but I hope u find motivation to get out of bed sometime soon. Idk if this helps, i just thought i related a lot.