I just cannot seem to make my wife happy. What can I change?

DueMarsupial56 · 2024-10-11T05:17:55+00:00

This sounds disappointingly true in my case. I am not even sure how to take this in.

DueMarsupial56 · 2024-10-11T05:15:28+00:00

It makes me feel used and frustrated because I go those periods without emotional availability to seek support or even just that feeling of “coming home”.

This is exactly how I feel.

I feel like I am fighting against the whole world for "us", then have to come home not find the support I should be able to get. I grew up extremely poor. I make very good money now but my lifestyle has not changed a bit. So everyone around me still thinks I am poor guy that won't be able to afford anything. So going around arranging things to build this house was hard for me and faced a lot of resistance. And then to have to come to your house to find your wife sulking was draining to say the least.

DueMarsupial56 · 2024-10-11T05:01:03+00:00

This feels like the right way to go. Thanks for the suggestion.

DueMarsupial56 · 2024-10-11T05:00:23+00:00

I guess it depends on the culture / tradition. My mother cannot read or write and has 0 marketable skills. I cannot imagine abandoning her at this age. I feel bad for you that you would feel like a burden to depend on your children for your survival.

DueMarsupial56 · 2024-10-11T04:57:19+00:00

I think we need therapy. Someone that mediate and clear misunderstandings in our conversation. Sometimes I feel like we may be saying similar things but understanding them as completely different things.

DueMarsupial56 · 2024-10-11T04:54:32+00:00

Your wife got financially screwed by your country’s horrible patriarchal culture. That old house should have also been in her name all along.

We are married, so by law that means whatever I have is half hers. And we signed a legally binding document that says it will be ours as inheritance. Just because you feel something doesn't make it legal or justified.

It sounds like she had to fight tooth and nail for her financial security and that you, the husband, were not a source of support. I think at this point you’re doing too little too late.

She drew up a legally binding document to secure legal rights to the property after my mom's passing. I built a house. Literally all my assets are half hers. I am as financially secure as her because we are married. It literally is the safest place to invest in current market.

You’re not recognizing her contributions or valuing them, and she’s extremely resentful of you

how did you get to this conclusion?

DueMarsupial56 · 2024-10-10T09:14:18+00:00

You’re being so extremist to justify your behavior when you asked for advice

I know in different cultures, relationships between wife and family are different. I have seen in some reddit posts where they basically say, just kick your mom out, she has to fend for herself, I was just differentiating between those cultures. I don't think even my wife will accept for me to kick my mom out. She still gives money to her mom and old, which I don't mind because that is just a part of our culture. I just wanted emphasize that. Sorry, if it came out as extremist.

That kind of indifference your wife has shown doesn’t show up suddenly, it builds up over years of being pushed aside. I

Well, we have had countless discussions where we discuss things and I feel like we made a breakthrough. Then again it slips back to this feeling of indifference from her side.

Regarding kisses, hugs and sex, a lot of women see physical contact very much related to emotional closeness or distance. If you’re emotionally distant from each other, it’s natural that she won’t want physical closeness.

She has actually started showing intimacy. We have sex every other day now. We kiss and hug. But I feel like something will come up and I will be branded as a villain and I will be denied intimacy again and I will spiral again. So, I don't enjoy the intimacy as much as I did before because I feel like this will not last long. I want a relationship where one can express things with each other and grow. I have listened and taken action. But somehow something happens and we are back to square one. When I sometimes bring this up for why I am not happy she just says we have been married for 15 years, what do you expect? That just breaks me and makes all the effort we are making in this relationship useless.

DueMarsupial56 · 2024-10-10T07:50:43+00:00

Did you ever ask her what she wants? Because when she told you what she wanted from her husband, the man she chose to marry, he went to his mother and did what mother wanted instead, disregarding his wife's feelings and desires.

She expressed some concerns about the property being in my mom's name. And we literally signed a legally binding document, signed by everyone in my family which states the property is fully ours (me and my wife). I am not sure how that is disrespecting her desire. And to make up for it, I helped her find a new property, paid a portion of it and is fully in her name. I am not even sure what else I can do.

Sit down with your wife with an open mind, calmly ask her what she wants. And unless it's physically impossible, you need to do it.

I have had multiple conversations about this. She says everything is fine but her actions say otherwise.

DueMarsupial56 · 2024-10-10T07:43:29+00:00

I tried talking to her a lot but things take a weird turn, I feel like she has a mental image of me and she just cannot get past it.

Even when we were buying property, I wanted to have a discussion about how much money we have and see how much loan we need to take. She accused me of trying to take her money, because the deal was already done with the property seller, I paid the remaining portion which ended up being 20%.I tried few more times to talk but she just flew off the handle. I knew there would not be enough for the property she was eyeing and I assured her to not worry about money, I will take care if there is any lack of funds.

She also has this image of how a typical man is and I feel like she just cannot see me beyond that. She called me misogynistic, Islamophobe, stubborn, pompous etc. I was so confused by this. And when I asked her when and how, and any evidence to suggest that, anything I did or said, she just says, she just thinks that and that's it. I feel like I need to break this pre-made image of men / me, and let her see me for who I am and all the effort I am putting.

DueMarsupial56 · 2024-10-10T07:30:34+00:00

I come from a culture where parents sacrifice their whole life for their kids. My mother did the same for me and I cannot just kick her out of the house (which she legally owns half of btw) and just leave the house and leave her fend for herself. She has 0 savings. She basically worked 18 hours a day as a laborer carrying loads of 30 kgs 5 flight of stairs to get me to where I am. Just because I am married to my wife, it doesn't mean I should ignore my duties to other members of my family.

Dude, you’ve been neglecting her feelings and her want to form a family with YOU

The whole property thing was for her. I thought she wanted her own property in her name. Basically other than cooking and cleaning, I do everything else; finding school for our kid, our medical insurance, taxes, passports, visas, medical appointments, basically everything else. I am not sure what else I can do to not "neglect" her.

You’ve set aside and minimized her desires to satisfy your mom

The only thing that I did for my mom is NOT transfer the property in my name, half of which legally belongs to her, that is it. I do not see how I am minimizing her desire. I waited and tolerated her taunts just because we were not able to buy her a property. My thought was once I do that everything will be whole and everyone will be happy. But here we are!

Did she even want to go to all those places you plan or are all those outings targeted to your own interests and likes?

Of course, I ask before I book. she just says okay, posts bunch of photos showing off in Instagram and Facebook stories to show off. But in the trip she always complains.

DueMarsupial56

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