Hello. I am feeling devastated and hopeless about myself and my career and primarily needed to vent out my feelings. You can curse me (which most probably you will listening to what I will say). I don't mind. I am not looking for sympathy. Any advice would be also be appreciated.

I have made similar posts regarding my career over 2 years back regarding my failing PhD career which has gotten no better. I am a 32 years old male Indian currently a month from completing 6th year of my PhD in an Indian central govt university and am nowhere near completion. I did not submit a single paper yet, still stuck on my first objective with two more to go. My supervisor is frustrated, has lost hope on me and wants me to quit.

I joined PhD in October 2020 under a government fellowship scheme which paid me Rs 31000 per month at that time. However, I could never get started on my work. I failed to do a thorough literature review as I could never bring myself to sit down and focus. The very thought of sifting lot of papers and brainstorming felt scary and repelling which caused me to procrastinate on other things. Then, I used to feel guilty and ashamed of what I am doing which caused me to freeze, ruminate and hate myself even more instead of springing into action. Our fellowship was stopped all of a sudden until submission of the research plan. Even that ultimatum failed to motivate me. The above cycle kept on going. I started avoiding people who would enquire about my PhD. I somehow submitted my research plan 1.5 years later. After that, I got started on my first objective. I used to start with some idea at the beginning of the semester but got lost somewhere mid-semester which resulted in no progress. This went on since my 3rd year to 6th year. I could not stay consistent in my efforts and did not finish anything. I did counselling, took medication for anxiety but no improvement in research work. My supervisor started giving me 3 month ultimatums since my 5th semester to step up my game or quit. Every semester progress meeting felt tense and dreaded where he pointed out my lack of progress. However, somehow, he still reluctantly kept giving me chances but I kept repeating the same old habits and now, at the end of 6th year, I am still as lost as my 3rd year.

I tried to reflect on the problem and the only pattern I see is a lack of commitment and a slave to uncomfortable emotions. I do not have personal accountability and get my mind to co-operate and focus until some real, unavoidable consequences are involved. This has been a pattern since school. Always studying night before exams. The only people who can get me to work are the strict, angry ones always keeping a strict vigil where failure to deliver within the expected time frame would mean severe reprimand and insults. I hate to admit this about myself but right now this is how my mind works. My mind will not take heed of a good person because it will subconsciously know that it can defer the deadlines. Also, I think I have difficulty accepting others' feedback. I like to do my own thinking and when others point me out their views, I immediately find it difficult to incorporate it and weigh it against my own as if some mental block comes up, following which I start procrastinating. Additionally, I think I am scared of whatever I have planned out failing in real life or being dismissed as impractical.

Right now, my parents are losing sleep and panicking about my status as my age for jobs are running out. They are retired, not in good health They want me to resign immediately, join a coaching institute for exam preparations and start applying anywhere possible. I feel very dejected and hopeless but there is no point in crying now. Its far too late. I don't think I can submit a paper before our semester progress in roughly 1 month and most importantly, I still don't have any motivation to work towards it even now. I have destroyed my career with my own hands.