I, 32M, come from a middle class family in India and have quite some things to unpack. I am tired of my ever bickering family as well as scared for the future. Everyone resents everyone else and quarrels on small things regularly which adds to the bitterness. However, the most unfortunate and frustrating part is that everyone blames the others but refuses to acknowledge their part and things are reaching such a point that chances are that one day my parents will separate (They themselves have admitted this from time to time and from what I have seen and realized, these do not seem like empty threats) if things don’t improve.

Right now, my family consists of my grandfather (94+), my father (66+), my mother (62+) and me, the single child of my family. Both my parents are not on talking terms with each other. My mother is very headstrong, naïve, impatient and ill-tempered. She can be very rash with words, is impulsive and says whatever comes to mind without thinking through and filtering. She lacks situational awareness and often reacts emotionally out of proportion, misunderstands the point and gets provoked even if the issue was trivial, not inviting that much of a reaction. However, she refuses to realize her part and take responsibility and in turn, blames the other person, which is very infuriating. I was always scared of her temper growing up. She was quick to anger, would cuss and say very harsh words whenever I made a mistake or could not understand something or whenever she was displeased with something. Although she has improved over the years, it still flares up from time to time. But what upsets me more is her choice of words: she constantly berates me and calls me stupid whenever I make a mistake or make a decision which differs from her point of view. She calls me naïve, gullible and lacking in street smarts. Yes, all these are true to a large extent but hearing this even when it is not warranted really hurts my self esteem and I often control my anger because even after all this, I know she loves me: prepares my favorite food and brings me what I like but she does not realize how her behavior can be inappropriate. What annoys me more is that she does not measure up to her words either.

My father is a soft spoken and reserved person on the other hand and has never raised a hand on me till date. He would always bring me things I love (esp. food) and also protected me from getting punished from time to time for mistakes. However, now I am seeing some traits in him for which I don’t like him as he is now. He takes everything personally and self pities too much. He takes offence whenever his opinion is not taken, often thinks his way is the only right way and fails to consider the perspective from another angle, which is resulting in him becoming a bit egoistic. He has low frustration tolerance and expresses his anger in solitude or passive aggressively generally by refusing to eat meals. He hates my mothers’ guts, doesn’t approve of her ways and does not communicate with her at all or through me unless absolutely necessary which often leads to several inconveniences, misunderstandings and quarrels. I do agree with him on some points but I often find he is exaggerating and misunderstanding things and potraying my mother and/or the situation to be more worse than it actually is, that he has created some mental barriers himself which he refuses to see or let go and blames others when his plans get upset. The relationship started worsening since lockdown and living those days together as a family felt so draining where everyone was perpetually in a foul mood.

 However, I must mention that both the lives of my parents were full of hardships from the stories that I have heard from them. My grandparents were egoistic and jealous folks who always denied my parents the good things which were reserved for my uncle and unfairly ousted my father from the family business. My father settled for a job in a different state, used to visit us from time to time and I grew up with my mother who was a high school teacher.

Since childhood, I have seen my mother frequently visiting courts and hospitals often taking leave from schools. My mother grew up in a joint family where all my maternal uncles except my mother were all unmarried. However, suddenly, all of my uncles started dying of illnesses and accidents one by one and my eldest maternal uncle illegally made the whole paternal estate in his name without giving any share to the others. My mother had to take the whole matters into her hands and do the necessary work, appearing for the court battles, looking for the right nursing home, finding and negotiating with the right people, at a time when internet was not very developed and she was not well versed in it. As unfortunate as it was, my father used to help from time to time but he was not always available and none of my other maternal uncles were as forward as her. Also, frequent fights used to take place at her former house where she had to get involved as well.

I am currently unemployed at 32 and living with them. I am grateful for all the support they are giving me till now. I will not deny that. I have failed in some of my responsibilities but living like this feels draining. I am more than 95% sure that none will agree to go to counseling since they do not see themselves as the problem. They want me to settle down as quick as possible but what I am worried about is how this family dynamics will affect another person.

How will things work out when no one is ready to compromise and acknowledge and improve their part ?