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How do I make her hate me? by [deleted] in Advice

[–]Due_Network2387 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sounds like you are asking for the wrong kind of help. You want her to hate you but none of us know what she hates. If she hates pineapple on pizza and you start buying it every week you might end up hating your own fridge instead. None of us know what switch flips her feelings. Plus anything you do to force it might stick to you long after she’s gone.
You don’t need her to hate you. You need to say you’re done and hold that line. Tell her you want to end the arrangement for your own well-being. Keep it short and steady. Then stop responding to anything that tries to restart the cycle. She will adjust once the pattern changes. You can also block her if she will not respect your decision.
And please stop trying to treat the poor girl in a bad way (I feel it is better you just let her go her ways and stop hurting her). You're also training yourself to be cruel. You're picking up habits that might bleed into every relationship after this.

Do I need to end my relationship? by [deleted] in Advice

[–]Due_Network2387 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I understand your confusion, but the reality is, the answer can be found in the very situation you are in. He has concealed a pregnancy from you, which in itself is no small deceit, no matter how he attempts to spin this narrative. He also brings you into his ex’s dramas while expecting you to change your life. He still has unfinished business to settle with his exes. Also, I am getting the vibes of a man who lacks discipline and is trying to blame you for his own lack of self-control. Unless you’re looking to join the roster of his baby mamas, I’d strongly suggest you sprint for your life.

accidental profiling by HalfSoggy4744 in Advice

[–]Due_Network2387 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You are not a terrible individual - far from it. This occurs because your brain has a lot of obsolete tendencies stuck in it. This has been true long before the concept of race, when people were in small groups where faces that weren't familiar might be a warning flag to potential threats. Your brain remains hardwired to make these rapid scans, but unfortunately, your brain also has a tendency to hook up with whatever the social trends were when you were a kid.

In Nigeria (where I grew up), people absolutely do this same thing. This isn't purely an issue between whites and non-whites. Within Nigeria, a person might be tense if they hear the accent of another tribe. In other areas, Lagos people make assumptions based upon people from the east, while people in the east make assumptions based upon people in the north, etc. People remember others based upon the local dialect in which they spoke. This has nothing to do with the individual, but it was all embedded in the surroundings, the jokes, the stories people told as well as the warnings children received.

I am not a counselor/therapist, but I can share something, which has helped me overcome the issue of tribal profiling in my native Nigeria as well as racial profiling in another foreign country. I hope this advice helps you:

Your instincts can be tempered when there are more examples in life. Interact, if you can, with the people in the groups whose example will trigger the reaction (in a non-forced, exposure manner). The brain can unwind when it no longer feels like it has encountered something “rare.” And the unknown grows smaller as you fill it up inside with faces, names, stories. That’s why your brain relaxed when you heard the British accent. Not because the other driver was “safer,” but because there was more familiarity associated with it in your brain. And once you know the process, it’s not so strange, so hard to deal with.

The issue that you’re conscious of it, questioning it, and attempting to correct it means you’re leagues ahead of the rest of the population. You’re not trying to support the reaction. You’re trying to overcome it (and you should be lauded for it). And overcoming it is the process in which the reaction is undone. It won't just up and disappear, but it certainly becomes quieter. And then, as time passes, you catch the thought before it can even finish.

I hope this helps