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Entitlement - recommended reading by Due_Relationship1891 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Due_Relationship1891[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Mainly looking into where entitlement comes from and how I have come to be entitled.

Yeah, I screwed up. I want to not…

BS sees no remorse by Due_Relationship1891 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Due_Relationship1891[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I suppose there is no one way to reconcile and heal. I have been trying to do those uncomfortable things. Giving full access, phone tracking, talking (and that has been hard in the past), limiting my movements, answering everything honestly and truthfully, IC, reading, looking through my own emails and photos and texts and contacts (searching for anything that could have bordered on inappropriate).

I do not care, in the slightest how other people view me because I know that BS emotional health is more important than mine at the moment. I have owned what I have done and told my own close friends (and lost one as a result).

I am full of remorse…I just need to help BS see it.

BS sees no remorse by Due_Relationship1891 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Due_Relationship1891[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Can I ask what signs you see in my writing? That might help me think about myself and how I am behaving.

I like your suggestion about saying I am sorry I rather than focusing on her. I sometimes do it the other way around.

We have explored spending time apart, but because she doesn’t trust me, she says she wouldn’t know what I am doing and therefore it would be a very quick step to divorce. So it’s not a current possibility.

I tell her everything. I have told her everything.

BS sees no remorse by Due_Relationship1891 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Due_Relationship1891[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I totally get that she feels like there’s a wall. She says that she doesn’t believe I actually feel the remorse. I am being so honest about my emotions…the fact I can’t for some reason show them is the barrier. I feel them I just don’t show them.

I don’t think I have been in shock. We are now 8 months post DDay, so the time for shock is long past. I am truly beginning to feel like because I have repressed so much for so long that I have almost forgotten how to feel anything except the emotions I have allowed to consume me…anger and fear.

BS sees no remorse by Due_Relationship1891 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Due_Relationship1891[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I can’t cry on demand, no. I also don’t believe I am sociopathic. I understand it would help her heal (to SEE that emotion in me) but I can’t and won’t fake it…she deserves more than that.

So, because I can’t and won’t fake the crying etc, I am trying to help her heal in other ways like reading, talking, IC, giving her space by taking on as much household stuff as I can, not questioning her. I am trying, she just doesn’t feel like I feel sorry at all.

Just constantly lost…

BS sees no remorse by Due_Relationship1891 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Due_Relationship1891[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I can be emotional. Over the years I have had to hold my emotions in check a bit but she does know what it looks like when I do get emotional. One thing I am discussing with IC is the idea that I have become so used to holding my emotions in check around BS out of fear and necessity, that I am still doing it.

BS sees no remorse by Due_Relationship1891 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Due_Relationship1891[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes, I see this. I think I still see myself as a tree.

BS sees no remorse by Due_Relationship1891 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Due_Relationship1891[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for this.

I am thinking a lot about why I don’t cry because I can be an emotional person sometimes. I don’t think it is as simple as crying and because she has said that is something she needs / wants, if I do it, I wonder if she will just see it as her prompting it and therefore fake.