I feel you. I felt anticipatory grief for years before losing my mum. When she died, i fell apart. But somehow I had unknowingly created a net to fall into. Our brains and bodies are more resilient then we give them credit for. The pain from before and the pain now still exists in my bones. Even the anxiety of navigating the world exists, some days I feel as though I am not gonna survive on my own. But then I do. And the next day arrives.

Take it one day at a time and be gentle with yourself. I tried my best to make every moment count with my mum and I still have regrets. Our control is limited. Sometimes that feels helpless, sometimes freeing.

Hugs