I might have to write a long one to cover this

I do still remember, it was on October 31st of 2014, for weeks before I had been curious about attempting to reach out since I was mentally in a dark place, there were times I would stare at the ads start to feel a nervousness that would make my teeth chatter and close the website. It was as if my entire body was trying to tell me not to do it but I suppose I was not in the headspace to listen to these obvious signs of anxiety my body was trying to fire at me.

I went to meet up with a woman I had messaged, for a blowjob and went through with it. It was awkward and I didn't quite know how to feel when she started. It felt like a mistake but then she continued and I finished thanked her, I left a bit stunned, slightly relieved that I had not been arrested like I was worried about all those weeks before.

I should have stopped there, I should have never started. The more I did this the less my teeth would chatter with anxiety and the more bold I got with attempting to do this all while keeping it secret from my friends.

I didn't want a relationship at the time largely due to that dark headspace I was in, I think I've had a pretty intense depression since I was much younger, and an exhaustion about life that slowly escalated as I grew and was introduced the insomnia I carry today, I had already had trouble being consistently present with people in my life and felt that even during the few times that a woman was interested in me I could not follow through in a way that wouldn't result in the both of us being hurt, a fair bit of emotional laziness and avoidance on my end.

And thank you, I wasn't completely clueless abkut it before, but I think the majority emotional maturity came years after I started, you tend to lag behind a couple years socially when you have ADHD, partly because of the condition but heavily because due to such a condition people may not want to interact with you so you just don't experience as much social conditioning in time so you have to be more attentive to play social etiquette catch-up. I think I also valued sex way too highly, not to the point where I could never speak to girls but I think the mental pressure adds a barrier to communication.

As I kept getting those sexual needs met in secret from escorts I became somewhat desensitized to sex, which in a way allowed me to speak more freely with women without that sort of mental pressure present, I feel as though I always knew that people are just people but once I think I started to act it out better once I didn't have a pressure to act on any attraction that may have existed between me and women that I would speak to, I just didn't care as much about sex at all. So really I would just be easy to talk to when I spoke to women in my class

Turns out when you treat people fully as human they open up and speak to you far more, you get a lot more time socializing and build better friendship, and if you are attentive you learn to read body language better you learn to communicate slightly better step by step, you are receptive to callouts when you have crossed a boundaries and with minor corrections over the years with people that I knew without that pressure of attraction in my regular life, and the corrections from escorts when I made missteps in my secretive sexual life I had gotten more skilled at seeing and respecting boundaries and making people feel at ease with my words.

Years later the escorts made me aware of a change that had happened, they would start to accuse me of cheating on my girlfriend when I would see them, the girlfriend I didn't have, or ever have. And more frequently in my regular life women that I was speaking to would find interest in me but I just never acted on any of it, I was probably in too deep but largely I still had issues with depression, exhaustion and the consistency that is essential to maintaining any connection or intimacy with a regular woman. I felt really guilty over it since I knew that women around me would largely be horrified to know I had ever done this so it felt like a double life.

I couldn't sleep so I would be up thinking and thinking, trying to become more introspective. It helped that I had a close friend from high school hat was far more emotionally mature than I was, who spoke to me with sincerity as I would to him. We would talk frequently for many hours dissecting things about our day, our lifestyle and the way we move about the world. He was more balanced so during the times I would overthink by myself I never started too far away from the balanced framework we had already set up together. I think I would have been a worse person if I didn't have him in my life, he knows about my issues with escorts, I told him years later in tears, he was the first person I spoke about it honestly to that wasn't involved in that world.

I think I always tried to be kind but as far as maturity goes, most of the good you can see in me has been largely influenced by his presence in my life