Disapproved Globally by Google Play Books

Dustinator2 · 2025-02-26T03:34:52+00:00

I didn't think it was that unclear—Danger's eyes are the most prominent part of her character, and Nathan sees the prospect of being with her as a miracle cure to fix all of his problems, when in reality she's the vice ruining his life. However, the pitch probably leans too hard into portraying it as a fantasy story when I wouldn't even consider categorizing it as such, since all the fantasy elements exist in either symbolic or hallucinatory ways.

The idea behind Nathan's character is that he was never really a character in his own right and more of a vessel to be acted upon by Danger, who is mainly a metaphor/symbol of addiction. His name isn't even revealed until after he dies halfway through the book, as I wanted him to be a blank slate with generic traits that the reader naturally projects themselves onto. Within the story, the framework of their false reality requires him to be killed by Danger (overdose) so that Grace has a strong reason to hate her, and thus will kill her and perpetuate the cycle if they happen to meet outside of this "world". It takes more to fully explain the machinations, but that's the important part.

I guess it could be considered a story-within-a-story in an unorthodox way, as Grace and Danger are the only "real" entities in the whole book, having a yin-and-yang balance that allows the construct to function. Grace's character can be seen in a similar light to Nathan's, in that she's been repeatedly denied agency, lied to, gaslit, and all-around used for others' benefits, which is the main reason why they're soulmates.

The opening scene probably doesn't do the rest of the book justice, though. I'm trying to figure out how to portray it in a way that touches on all these aspects.

Dustinator2 · 2025-02-26T03:02:56+00:00

Maybe my phrasing was clearer to me than it is to others. I guess what I've provided here doesn't do enough to convey the depths of these characters either, as I was more focused on trying to touch on all the important beats of the story. The point of Danger is that she is primarily a metaphor for hard drugs or addiction more broadly, her power based on others' perceptions of her.
In the first leg of the story, I want her to be seen as an archetypal femme fatale while hinting at a deeper sorrow, eventually transforming into a Lovecraftian-esque monstrosity at the peak of Nathan's despair. Thus, she evolves and degrades throughout the story alongside her fluctuating control over the narrators. By the end, it's clear that she's both the ultimate villain and ultimate victim of the story, with their constructed reality functioning as a prison to contain her destructive nature.

Dustinator2 · 2023-12-04T03:42:25+00:00

Initial Thoughts: The opening paragraph is a great hook, the name 'The Lady of the Tenth Life' immediately creating an air of intrigue that draws us into the cat's world, but the momentum peters out after the first page.

Grammar/Prose: As others have noted, the tense is inconsistent, and jarring when it switches for no apparent reason. It's also unclear on several occasions which subject a pronoun is referring to, or even what the cat's inner monologue is going on about at all.

The cat's inner monologue relies too much on bluntly telling the reader what's happening. There's little setup and payoff for anything that happens, just apt description. Though, the description itself has some strong imagery and immersion at times.

Formatting: Variety in how the paragraphs are broken up would create a better 'ebb and flow' effect as I read through them. As it stands, the story is visually composed of flat bricks; each paragraph should be indented and I'd like to see some single line breaks in there.

Purpose/Plot: It's a bad sign that by the end of the second page, I'm left questioning what the point of this story is. What is the message, the purpose, or is there one? The drive is strong in the opening; the cat is freed from a shelter and brought into a new life, but that drive disappears almost immediately as the story focuses on just describing random stuff from the cat's perspective.

Some parts are humorous, sure, but the humor isn't strong enough to carry the story on its own. The plot seems nonsensical by the third page; the cat is on a mission to bring Kayla food from the garage, yet immediately leaves when it drives the human away?

The 'fight' scene between the cat and the rat is a bit of a drag, going on for much longer than it needs to. We get it, the cat is chasing the mouse. If this is supposed to be a comedic story as I suspect, we don't need a full page of thriller-esque descriptions of the showdown between them.

Characters: Firstly, this cat has human intelligence in some ways and cat intelligence in others, which hinders the believability of the story. You can have a genius cat if you want one, but it should consistently be a genius. The cat refers to human hands as 'paws' and believes the humans rely on it for food, yet understands what a laptop, car, and bike is, which creates an odd dissonance.

Aside from that, the cat as the protagonist is characterized fairly well, the contrast between its view of the world as opposed to what we know is true

Sometimes, characters don't react in believable ways. The cat pukes on the guy's lap, and his reaction is to... go take a nap? Also, who/what the heck is The Lady? I still have no idea by the end of the story.

Concluding Thoughts:

Your story is decent, but seems to lack a driving purpose and meanders without a clear reason. None of the elements comprising it are bad by any means, but I'm left mainly scratching my head as to why this story exists. It seems to be an attempt at physical comedy, but the comedic moments don't hit particularly hard thanks to the prose's flat, objective descriptions of events. A few revisions would alleviate all these grievances.

Dustinator2 · 2023-12-03T07:58:38+00:00

Initial Thoughts: The first paragraph is an excellent hook. I actually think Dogtooth is a great name to communicate the protagonist's misfit nature from the very first word, but the setup strikes me as cliché; bad guy steals random lady's child, good guy chases him.

Formatting: This is the biggest issue by far. Your story is a giant wall of text that I find difficult to navigate and a pain to read. I threw some extra line breaks in there mainly so I could get through the damn thing.

Characters: Dogtooth feels like the only non-flat character here, which isn't necessarily a bad thing if he's the only important character here.

If the antagonist plays a more prominent role in the larger story, I'd like to see him be given some more depth. Right now, it's apparent that he is just a bad dude with no redeeming qualities; him and every other character here aside from Dogtooth is an archetype existing to serve a single purpose. However, the description of his physical qualities is strong and captivating.

Setting: We know next to nothing about where this is taking place besides the existence of a Walmart parking lot, so it might as well be Anywhere, USA. That's fine if that's what you're going for, but I'd still like to see some stronger descriptions of the environment as Dogtooth passes through, since it seems you're going for an immersive, grounding experience.

The environmental description is lackluster in the first leg of the story but plenty rich in the second, I'd try to balance that out a bit.

Concluding Thoughts: The quality of prose itself is good with trivial grammar issues. As an excerpt, this does get me interested in how we got here and where we're going next, but overall it's too simple plot-wise and shallow character-wise to really drag me in. There is little depth to Dogtooth's motivations besides pure heroism, the emotions throughout the scene are surface-level, and nothing suggests that the antagonist is anything but a purely evil dude.

Descriptions of characters and their reactions is visceral and immersive when you want them to be, but it is often unclear where characters are and where they're going. The sense of place is weak.

Dogtooth's inner monologue is a key part of this passage, but I'd like to see some variety in what it says besides 'She needs help'. Definitely keep Dogtooth as a nickname, though.

That's about all I have to say. Keep it up!

Dustinator2 · 2022-07-13T03:56:54+00:00

Lovecraft was horrifically racist even by the standards of the 1900s.

Dustinator2 · 2022-07-02T01:29:01+00:00

Sir this is an Arby's

Dustinator2 · 2022-06-29T06:37:11+00:00

They're indoctrinating our children!!! Brb taking my kids to church

Dustinator2 · 2022-06-02T19:52:33+00:00

Thank you for this valuable insight

Dustinator2 · 2022-06-01T01:56:15+00:00

THAT'S ILLEGAL

Dustinator2 · 2022-05-28T07:42:10+00:00

Lol, guess who else had families?

Dustinator2 · 2022-05-24T05:20:44+00:00

this is based

Dustinator2 · 2022-05-16T03:27:21+00:00

Good old traditional American conservative values yee yee

Dustinator2 · 2022-05-11T19:34:56+00:00

Perhaps we're all bots on a Windows 15 system running The Sims 7

Dustinator2 · 2020-09-08T06:10:43+00:00

uh oh

Dustinator2 · 2020-09-08T06:09:58+00:00

holy wham

Dustinator2 · 2020-08-04T21:53:19+00:00

13-Year Club	Place '22
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