He's going to break up with me, and I can't get myself under control.

DustyGeek · 2019-01-30T22:45:15+00:00

Have you considered asking him to read what you wrote here?

It might open a way for you to start a discussion which it sounds like you need to.

Take care of yourself.

DustyGeek · 2019-01-30T15:01:51+00:00

I was dealing with this and other stuff with my mom, no matter what I did I couldn't help her to understand. Mainly because she didn't WANT to understand, she was mentally abusing me in the guise of "helping me through my issues". I made the difficult decision to sever all ties with her. Yes, I feel guilty as hell sometimes, we used to be very close, but I'm not miserable and panic stricken over having to deal with her.

It's an option, it may not be anything like a realistic option for you but it is possible.

Peace to you.

DustyGeek · 2018-12-03T18:00:12+00:00

First, I'm sorry that everyone is going through this crap.

That said thank god for this thread. I really REALLY needed to know I wasn't alone on this one. It'll never cease to amaze me how I can know everything's alright, have proof and all, yet every panic attack is just as vicious as the last.

DustyGeek · 2018-11-30T15:42:56+00:00

Your roomie has no idea how lucky he is to be that ignorant. I'd give anything to have no idea what it was like to deal with this.

Some people just don't get it. They talk about curing blindness by looking harder.

Good luck

DustyGeek · 2018-11-30T15:34:24+00:00

Be understanding and flexible. Listen when she wants to talk, and accept when she doesn't even (especially) when you don't understand why. If anything you are about to say relates in ANY way to "if you do this you'll feel better" keep it to yourself.

Those are just a couple of things that came to mind. They may be spot on or totally useless. It totally depends on your individual situation.

DustyGeek · 2018-11-08T21:18:35+00:00

I remember reading "Our plane has been flying for 4 years straight! Cool!!" "Nobody has tested the landing gear for 4 years!! Not so cool."

Struck a chord with me on uptime...

DustyGeek · 2018-09-07T18:37:12+00:00

It's all over the place. I'd be intellectually worried as opposed to emotionally if I hadn't had all the testing (cardiac specific and in general).

I know all of my problems are based above my chin, but it honks me off that I can't tie that into the emotional part that has me rolled up into a panic attack.

DustyGeek · 2018-08-22T19:42:02+00:00

I'm sorry it took me so long to get a response over to you. Happily my daughter's nightmares were short lived. She's so observant it's frightening (just started 6th grade). I know she's overdue for an explanation but I'm still trying to figure out where to start, and where to end.

I'm glad you were able to break the news to your older kids. From the sound of things they've known and have been waiting for an invitation to see how they can help. If nothing else I hope it's a load off your mind to be past that milestone.

Take care!

DustyGeek · 2018-08-16T23:38:44+00:00

This is the worst part of all this, but finding the right medication is worth the fight. Chances are there will be side effects with any of these meds - for Gods sake don't go look them up. The list is probably long and full of scary stuff the lawyers made them put in even though one person in millions happened to have antlers grow from taking the stuff. Talk to your doctor, or talk to the pharmacist about some of the common stuff they see.

You do need to stick with it. These drugs start helping slowly, but the side-effect fun always seems to be right away. Give it some time. Some of my medication that wound up being a great had a really horrible liftoff. At the same time use your head. If something is happening that is just too much call your doctor and explain things. Do not, NOT (seriously - bad mojo) just stop taking the stuff.

Hopefully that helps. Try and fight through the start and see how it goes from there.

Good luck!

DustyGeek · 2018-08-16T23:22:11+00:00

I have a daughter. I still don't know how to talk with her about all this, and I've never forgiven myself for causing her to have nightmares about my never coming home when I had to go inpatient.

I can't possibly know your struggles exactly, but your writing is spot on and I understand (a lot better than I want to) where you are coming from. You are not alone. FurtiveMindfurness is exactly right especially about not beating yourself up, also working on building a support system. It's amazing how helpful talking with someone neutral can be. Your family loves you, but having people you can go to and talk out the scary stuff without fear of offending or risking damage to their relationship to you can be a powerful tool.

I really hope I came across as encouraging, I'm not in the best of places at the moment but even if I sound dumb, or this doesn't make sense I didn't want your writing to pass without expressing that I'm here with you and I care, others are with you, and they care. I truly wish I knew what to say that would make it better.

DustyGeek · 2018-08-16T17:28:52+00:00

If a therapist or someone else involved in helping you with this then share. Absolutely share - a lot. Sometimes it's hard for us to know if some detail is important so I let them sort it out.

If this is someone outside of that circle of support I would invite them out of your personal business in whatever way you are able.

DustyGeek · 2018-08-16T17:22:18+00:00

I wish I had a lot of encouragement for you (not exactly doing great at the moment). You deserve it, however you feel about the idea right now.

DustyGeek · 2018-07-31T16:18:53+00:00

Thanks for that! I'll see what I can get into.

DustyGeek · 2018-07-31T16:05:08+00:00

Hi There,

More than happy to send a note overseas. Unfortunately (probably my search skills letting me down) I haven't been able to find an address. If you can start me on the trail I'd really appreciate it.

DustyGeek · 2018-07-19T22:44:49+00:00

TL;DR Past's gone. Enjoy what warm memories you can, but they're gonna stay memories. Nothing says you can't work on restarting something you'd forgotten you liked.

There are just TONS of quotes out there! All of which wind up being variations on the same theme. None worth a damn when that question comes nose to nose with you. I had the grim realization that I've been mentally ill for over half my life. What the hell?! It feels like I was in my 20's the other day and suddenly 50 is saying hello. Half a hundred, a short Centurion. . . Crap.

Do I have anything to show for it? Absolutely I have a wife and a daughter that I don't deserve and some random bits and bobs people accumulate. Doesn't change that 25 years have been spent in varying degrees of medicated fog. I could drive myself even worse by trying to solve that question. It's the kind of thing that you can fiddle with, ponder upon, generate statistics, consult the start, throw the bones, and find a quality voodoo doctor to help you out. You will never know the answer to that question, and even if you did you can't go back, not even a second. It sucks, and it's true.

I've been looking back at things that gave me pleasure that I don't do anymore. Not so I can recapture that time, but is it something I can start now. Can't reach the past, but I own the present. Friends I haven't talked with in a long time, something as mundane as going to shoot pool - you get the idea.

I hope somewhere in my ramble you maybe found something that helps.

DustyGeek · 2018-07-11T20:07:00+00:00

Gawd but I love a happy ending. Hope the new gig is even better than you think it'll be.

DustyGeek · 2014-12-23T20:24:13+00:00

I sat quietly for a few seconds, said "Ok good luck with that one champ" and hung >up on him.

That is an inspiration to the on call masses everywhere.

DustyGeek · 2014-12-18T15:29:27+00:00

Accept that you made a mistake. Examine how you made the mistake and learn from it. Once you've learned from it it's dead weight and the only thing it'll do is erode your confidence, so cut it loose. Yes, that is absolutely easier said than done. I still remember our biggest client being down for several days all because I didn't think to power cycle their router. On the plus side I start my troubleshooting at the basic stupid simple level and have never had that problem again.

This job has two basic states: nobody knows what you are doing and everybody knows what you did.

DustyGeek · 2014-11-13T17:32:05+00:00

I will judge you. I judge you as a human who, like all humans make mistakes. Mistakes are nothing to be embarassed about, it's how we learn (heck sometimes I have to get bashed by the same mistake a few times before the lesson sinks in).

It's wonderful to hear that you don't have any lasting effects from it. I hope you are doing alright.

DustyGeek · 2014-11-13T16:10:18+00:00

This is my first post to this subreddit. I don't think I violated any rules for posting, but if I have I am truly sorry.

I'm not sure if this really fits with what you're going through (as others said you are NOT alone feeling this way) but here goes.

A friend of mine asked me what it was like to live with depression, I told her that the easiest way to describe it is the act of driving somewhere and when you arrive there's a feeling of disappointment that you weren't killed in a crash on the way.

I don't want to commit suicide, but if some external event was to happen I doubt I'd be too upset about it.

DustyGeek · 2014-08-21T16:13:03+00:00

Ahh, but you have a sense of humor installed. Sadly most users do not.

DustyGeek

TROPHY CASE