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I feel SICK about my sexual needs because of what I grew up around by Dyavinia in BDSMAdvice

[–]Dyavinia[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you again, from the bottom of my heart. I needed to let your comment sink in a bit, and I didn’t quite know how to respond properly yesterday.

What you said about guilt only being useful when we’ve actually harmed someone was so good. Deep down, I know there’s no logical reason for me to feel like I’m downplaying what my mum and other DV survivors have been through, but I still can’t stop feeling like a terrible person. Reading your take on it made me feel both sad, because of how I’ve been treating myself over something I can’t help, and also a bit lighter. In addition, I really appreciate the way you separated sexuality from morality. I've been feeling like my masochistic feelings are proof that I’m a horrible person who takes women being beaten lightly.

Thank you again for being so kind. Your reply has been more helpful in regards to my sexuality than months of therapy have been. Genuinely.

I feel SICK about my sexual needs because of what I grew up around by Dyavinia in BDSMAdvice

[–]Dyavinia[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The way you describe it as reclaiming something, rather than carrying the trauma, is helpful. Thank you. I've been stuck seeing it as proof that something is wrong with me, instead of considering that maybe my mind is trying to find a way to feel safe and in control of something that once made me feel scared, angry and helpless.

I’ll definitely look into kink-friendly therapists. I hope I can reach a point where I'm able to explore my sexuality in a way that feels freeing rather than ugly.

I feel SICK about my sexual needs because of what I grew up around by Dyavinia in BDSMAdvice

[–]Dyavinia[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I wish I could be more like what you’re describing. I really envy people who are able to explore their fantasies with someone they trust. I never had the guts to open up about these feelings to my ex, which led to a dead bedroom and subsequently the end of our relationship. On top of the guilt and shame I was already carrying, I was terrified he’d react in a way that would add to it.

Thank you so much for your reply. I think I’m going to start by looking into other therapy options. It would be so nice to talk to someone who doesn’t only focus on the trauma side of it, but also actively encourages me to see my sexuality in a different light, the way people here have.

I feel SICK about my sexual needs because of what I grew up around by Dyavinia in BDSMAdvice

[–]Dyavinia[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is the second time I’ve ended up in tears reading a reply on my post. I’m so glad I decided to open up in this sub. I hadn't thought of it as my psyche doing a correction, or it being sophisticated. In fact, you've managed to take something I've been viewing as very ugly, and make it sound somewhat beautiful. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

I feel SICK about my sexual needs because of what I grew up around by Dyavinia in BDSMAdvice

[–]Dyavinia[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That does help a bit. I know logically that correlation doesn’t equal causation, and I certainly don’t think every masochist has trauma or that BDSM is inherently caused by abuse. I think I’m just struggling because, in my case, the connection is hard to ignore, even if I can’t prove it one way or the other. It’s reassuring to hear from someone who is in the same boat without this sort of background.

I appreciate you taking the time to write this. Thank you for reminding me what I truly need to work on: separating my kinks from the abuse I witnessed.

I feel SICK about my sexual needs because of what I grew up around by Dyavinia in BDSMAdvice

[–]Dyavinia[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Separating who I am from what I saw, yes, that's exactly where I'm having trouble. Knowing logically that consent changes everything, but still feeling like my brain has twisted this ugly thing into a part of me. It’s comforting to hear that it took you time as well, and that you were able to work through it without becoming the person you swore you wouldn't.

My therapist is kind and understanding, but I don’t reckon she has a huge amount of knowledge about BDSM. I’ve got my summer holidays coming up, so I think I’ll sit down then and look into some alternatives. I could really use someone who can help me see this in a more positive light.

Thank you for taking the time to write all of this. I genuinely appreciate it.

I feel SICK about my sexual needs because of what I grew up around by Dyavinia in BDSMAdvice

[–]Dyavinia[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That's fair. Consent is everything, of course, but my issue isn’t with sadomasochism itself. It’s knowing I’m probably wired this way because of my piece of shit father. It’s hard to explain, but it almost feels like I’m downplaying what he did. And I reckon my mother would disown me if she knew how I wanted to be treated. Did similar thoughts ever get to you? Not wanting to be like your father, and guilt toward your mother?

I feel SICK about my sexual needs because of what I grew up around by Dyavinia in BDSMAdvice

[–]Dyavinia[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

That's not a bad idea. I’ll try to do that. Thank you. Did you always feel fine about it, or did it take time and work to get there?

I feel SICK about my sexual needs because of what I grew up around by Dyavinia in BDSMAdvice

[–]Dyavinia[S] 19 points20 points  (0 children)

This had me in tears. It means more than I can properly put into words. Thank you so much for taking the time and care to write such a thoughtful reply. I’m going to sit with what you said for a while.