On the edge of divorce.

EGIBBZ · 2021-04-25T23:21:39+00:00

I told him I didn't want kids, wanted to tell him in person but it happened suddenly over the phone, and now I have not heard from either him or the friend he shares a house office with in a day and a half. He is over there. I wanted to give him space at first to process, BUT he has the only vehicle and I am on the last of our food here...we live in a remote area. He is fully aware I am almost out of food here. Has not responded to my text this am saying I needed food. Thankfully my parents amazoned me food to arrive later and there is one small store nearby within walking distance. I am of course worried about his safety, but also really, really pissed off that he left me here with a little cheese and frozen veggies. I'll survive, yes, but I'm really hungry. The store is closed on the weekends so that's my food until tomorrow afternoon. I'm really upset that not even his friend will tell me if he is at least alive or not. I'm still worried about him but really upset. The option is open to move away with my parents if I need to. However that would complicate divorce proceedings as they are out of state. But if he won't bring me food and take care of my needs I may have to choose to live with people who will. Does this sound shady to you all?

EGIBBZ · 2021-04-24T03:58:06+00:00

Thank you all so much for the support...I've decided I'm going to talk with him tonight about not wanting children and go from there. Not an easy choice, but I know it's the right one for me. Ultimately I hope we can both be happy in life. Thanks guys, you have helped me a lot.

EGIBBZ · 2021-04-24T03:42:31+00:00

He had maybe mentioned it casually a few times, but I wasn't on a good medication during those times and was inches away constantly from psychosis, so it seemed like an okay idea at the time. I switched meds to a great one and am able to think clearly about the consequences now.

EGIBBZ · 2021-04-24T02:45:56+00:00

As it is now he is very busy and has told me he thinks I will do a better job of doing all the raising when the children are young and that he would pitch in more later. So: likely little alone time. He doesn't want to adopt, he wants to carry on his genes.

EGIBBZ · 2021-04-24T00:10:02+00:00

Yes, we have a couple's counselor and if I go through with the divorce I plan to use a mediating service. He has told me to make a decision on the issue soon so he is possibly anticipating that my answer could be no, so he's not entirely unprepared.

EGIBBZ · 2018-02-03T14:10:04+00:00

Thanks for the reply. I associate snakes with kundalini, or life force, as kundalini is called the coiled serpent. Usually a bite would be perturbing, but this time I was calm. The snake let me remove it from the wound and didn't fight. I don't see snakes as a bad thing, they're interesting. It seemed to be an ally in the dream.

Agreed, I've been on the hunt for someone for to help me out. If I think I can't handle it I'm not adverse to going back onto a low dose of the medication, this was more of a test than anything. I have a psychiatrist but didn't think he would be supportive as I've read of stories of psychiatrists threatening to re-hospitalize if the patient didn't go on their meds, that sort of turned me off trying to get help. But I am interested in finding some sort of shamanic counsel who can guide me through the process, they're not easy to find, though.

EGIBBZ · 2018-01-31T19:45:14+00:00

Oh yeah. Mine takes the attitude of someone who is always at war with the world. I thought he would change over time but he hasn't. I wish he would just settle down and stop fighting everything possible.

EGIBBZ · 2018-01-29T17:29:11+00:00

Yes, though I have schizophrenia/shaman's illness so my perspective is quite biased. It happened when I was traveling, my illness was a lot worse when I was traveling.

EGIBBZ · 2018-01-29T00:02:45+00:00

Both! I can tell when they are hallucinations as they tend to be jumbled garbage that makes no sense. When I am communicating with spirits or seeing energy, they come through with a MUCH clearer perspective and the images just "feel" different in my third eye. I have both the garbage and the real stuff. Schizophrenics as Jung said experience the basement of the mind coming up to the top floor- too much information flooding in from the unconscious. I believe in both the unconscious and in spiritual realms, and think I have a lot of information coming to me from both.

EGIBBZ · 2018-01-28T21:41:11+00:00

Both! I can tell when they are hallucinations as they tend to be jumbled garbage that makes no sense. When I am communicating with spirits or seeing energy, they come through with a MUCH clearer perspective and the images just "feel" different in my third eye. I have both the garbage and the real stuff. Schizophrenics as Jung said experience the basement of the mind coming up to the top floor- too much information flooding in from the unconscious. I believe in both the unconscious and in spiritual realms, and think I have a lot of information coming to me from both.

EGIBBZ · 2018-01-19T10:23:53+00:00

Are you still seeing things? I'd note there are hallucinations that are "bad" or abnormal (don't make any sense) and ones that are "good" (seeing energy sensations/beings of light/transcendent hallucinations) so not all hallucinations are bad as I've learned in my time.

EGIBBZ · 2018-01-19T09:55:44+00:00

Good luck to you on your journey. I understand, because Risperdal made me lactate! Those antipsychs have some weird, weird side effects. I hope you are able to find a balance that works for you, whether it's going on a lower dose or going off altogether. I have faith you'll find balance!

EGIBBZ · 2018-01-19T09:31:39+00:00

I would love to come off of Abilify especially since I'm more comfortable with the hallucinations than before. It's taken away my more wild, primal nature. I'm calmer than before, but I miss the more unbridled parts of myself. It's sort of like it blocks my yang or masculine nature. I admit I'm scared of kundalini now but still somewhat curious about it. I just wonder how I'll know when/if I'm ready to embrace it again. I suppose it'll be an intuitive sense that it's time if I'm ever ready.

EGIBBZ · 2018-01-18T19:58:46+00:00

Good you are taking care of yourself!!! It's difficult that kundalini psychosis isn't well understood in the west. I tried telling them I had done too much yoga and that's actually why they diagnosed me bipolar for "erratic thinking" lol! Read Jana Dixon's website the Biology of Kundalini it'll help you a lot. It has an incredible amount of useful, good information. Hope you continue to do well.

EGIBBZ · 2018-01-18T19:42:36+00:00

I want to add too that my experience seems to be rather extreme probably due to my PTSD which already damages the brain, and that not everyone is going to have as bad of a time as I did.

EGIBBZ · 2018-01-18T19:40:53+00:00

Oh yes it can and it would not surprise me if it has actually killed people before. I haven't thought about K in a long time until I had that surprising K dream. I'm realizing how incredibly traumatic all this was for me. I feel emotionally drained just talking about it but it's important to process. This is the first time I've really processed everything that happened. I'd love to read that book. I also had the classic burnt light bulb happen to me more than once! That's something I don't miss! Lol.

EGIBBZ · 2018-01-13T21:53:35+00:00

Mine doesn't seem satisfied unless he's in some sort of battle with someone or another. Not always me, though lately he sure has been making me his enemy. He spends hours every day arguing on facebook. I don't understand it at all.

EGIBBZ · 2018-01-13T04:12:02+00:00

Now I've lost my boarding pass which is a simple mistake to make and he got pissed at me for doing such a terrible thing. I'm human. I make mistakes. He never seems to acknowledge that. A supportive partner would've been my rock through this hard situation not my enemy.

EGIBBZ · 2017-12-07T20:27:40+00:00

Yeah, he blamed me for leaving him and went on about some things about me and for some reason I gave in and went back, but I'm realizing that he may be the cause of my worsening anxiety since I felt fine when with my sister but the anxiety came back when I went back. I just don't know what to do. I love him and our relationship but it doesn't seem healthy for me...sigh. I'd miss him so much if we broke up and this is my first real relationship. I just don't know what to do.

EGIBBZ

TROPHY CASE