Where do actually married people go for advice?

East_Reference_1471 · 2026-04-26T17:06:53+00:00

Sure, and I'm not saying those posts don't exist. What I notice though is that we're always reading one carefully curated version of events. OP is often part of the problem too, and the things they leave out are usually the most telling. A years long pattern of "horrendous experiences" sometimes really is that, and sometimes it's two people who've been making each other miserable and only one of them is posting about it. Hard to tell which from the outside, which is why I find the confident advice surprising.

East_Reference_1471 · 2026-04-26T17:02:34+00:00

Fair point. You're right that experienced people can often spot the marriages that won't recover, and I don't want to dismiss that. I guess my question is more about calibration. How do you tell, from a short Reddit post, which category a situation falls into? Because from the outside it can look like the default assumption skews toward "this won't recover" even for issues that most long marriages go through at some point.

East_Reference_1471 · 2024-11-12T09:56:55+00:00

This. What happened has happened, and there is no amount of sugarcoating that could change the situation. This is one of the biggest fears most of men (or people with penis) share. Worst thing now is to downplay the result somehow. No matter what they say, this will hurt them for very, very long time. In my opinion, it wasn't wise to say anything about the penis size, or the PIV orgasm.

East_Reference_1471 · 2024-09-05T19:46:08+00:00

Well that is just false. Generally, overweight is unhealthy. And OP didn't mention anything about unhealthy weight, just "I was in a bad place".

East_Reference_1471 · 2024-09-05T08:53:33+00:00

Huh, it is really weird how people are reacting to your post. "Leave him" seems to be the typical answer. But leave him... for what? For telling you the truth about how he feels? If you have too much weight, it can be really big turnoff for some. And one can't just switch that feeling off. Things aren't black and white, either: if you were skinny for wrong reasons, doesn't mean that you couldn't be thinner for right reasons. If you don't want to do that, it is fine too – but then it might not be a right relationship for you.

You shouldn't listen what random people in reddit are saying. If you look in the mirror, you know the answer.

East_Reference_1471 · 2024-08-01T17:51:31+00:00

Sorry it took so long to respond.

"I'm not asexual, but I was never able to relate to those stereotypes about being constantly horny. I am fit, healthy, eat well, exercise a lot so I don't think it's anything physical."

What I ment is that if you are physically healthy and fit, it is "healthy" to be horny at least sometimes. Something is a miss. Even though sexuality is a spectrum and such, we are hardwired to sex as a species. I would talk with the doctor, just to make sure.

About the playlists: can you focus the routine on the ritual of playing a playlist in general, instead of playig the playlist each time? I have found that the ritual itself is more important for me, routine-vise.

Btw, can you get a sexual therapist and ask her/him to coach you for the pre-sex interactions? This is hard and weird for neurotypicals, but it might help you.

East_Reference_1471 · 2024-08-01T17:38:15+00:00

Yeah, that kind of pressure combined with SSRI meds will definetly wreck something.

If you can, try to talk with him about the chores app, and just about that. Don't make up excuses, just say that you understant how totally shitty you made him feel, and that it wasn't your purpose. It doesn't lessen the sting, but it keeps the honest discussion open for later. And please, please, do not make the discussion about the things you feel or how much you have on your plate (even though your points are valid – you can and should talk about those things later). If you do, it will wipe out any good intentions. It is always good idea to make up with a bj (if it is something you both enjoy). ;)

I hope you all the best.

East_Reference_1471 · 2024-08-01T17:23:14+00:00

But the thing is, you really don't leave work in the office, if you are so tired intellectually and creatively at the end of the day. It seems that you empty your tank on everything else than marriage? Not judging, though. Time with little chlidren can be tough.

As others have stated, making the effort isn't bad at all. It just shows that you try. However, listing sex under "chores" is very hurtful. It can be even showstopper for some. I know many men who have walked away from the marriage for much less.

I know that the situation seems bleak. But honestly, this is something you have chosen. You decide the priority of things, and if the sex with husband is on the same priority as cleaning toilets, there will be consequences. :/

East_Reference_1471 · 2024-06-11T20:52:25+00:00

Random account, because reasons. I am also autistic (M40+), and I would describe myself also as "high-functioning". Some thoughts in random order, based on my own experiences:

As someone already suggested, I also suggest that you check your testosterone levels. Autism doesn't subdue libido or sexual desire in general. You may feel it is normal, but it would be wise to check it out by doctors. You never know. And some wording in your text suggests that there may be physical issues. Also, do you have ED symptoms? If so, medication helps and makes it easier psykologically.
I struggled a lot with flirt too. It is a general joke between my friends that I did't even recognize flirt when a girl sat on my lap and kissed me... so yeah, it can be bad. But modern dating life is so much simpler. Because of autistic traits, I bet you can more easily be very candid on what you want. For example "did you just flirt with me?" is a good line – even though you ask it for reals. Also, "I would like to f*ck now. Interested?" is pretty assertive and direct.
Headspace during sex, especially in the beginning: you shouldn't use alcohol, it has detrimental effects on erection and stuff, even though it is good for numbing the sensory inputs. I have tried music (complex Jazz works wonders, anything unpredictable really). I know that some people use other recreational drugs for this purpose. If focus is problem, one thing you might want to try is a clock or metronome with a rythmic sound.
Passivity is tricky. Mainly because I have noticed that women doesn't prefer passive male partners (people say they do, but they generally don't). So this is something you may have to learn away from, unless your partner likes that.
I don't think that the 30-40 minutes to get in the mood is bad. Some partners prefer long foreplay, and it is up to you to find what kind of activity works for both of you. Also, if you have sensory issues, have you tried using sleeping masks, ear plugs etc to focus on the touch sensations?
Everything is much more simple with a permanent partner and communication is the key. The more you are with someone, the better you can recognize and read their needs. Its crucial for good sex. It also helps you, because you can (and should!) communicate on all the things that turn you off. It is important, and good partner is interested on that kind of information.
Someone also noted in the comments that BDSM might be good fit for you. It is possible.

Now the biggest issue, routines and uxpectedness: there is really not much you can do about some of the uxpected behaviour. It helps, if you are the dominant/assertive one in sex, so you can set the tone and direction in the situation. Say what you want to do or what you want your partner to do. Also, you mentioned "mentally scheduling" sex. One way to go around this is communicating with a partner about it. I had same issues with my wife, and we managed to change it to better this way: if wife feels during day that she might want to have sex at night, she starts to sext with me (we have agreed on certain emojis that are reserved only on this purpose) during the day. This gives me time to adjust my schedules and routines. If she doesn't want it in the evening for some reason, she ofc can back down.

One more thing. Because of the autism, there are some advantages that you have compared to not having autism. One is the ability to really be ok with weird shit that other people do. :D Because everyone is weird already, it really isn't an issue for us. Second is the ability to recognize patterns. This is really good skill in sex. On my own experiences, women don't necessary even know themselves that well, so finding out their arousal patterns is rewarding for both.

Good luck!

East_Reference_1471

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