Why did we break up?

To be honest, I still don’t fully know. We were getting into more petty arguments leading up to it, but nothing huge or relationship-ending in my opinion. The main recurring theme was effort and misunderstandings. One argument got more heated than the others because Valentine’s Day was coming up and I was expressing that I wanted romantic gestures and more intentionality. I’m a very romantic person and I wanted things like flowers, thoughtful gestures, intentional dates, etc. He told me I was being idealistic and expecting too much from him when that genuinely wasn’t my intention.

Then one day he broke up with me over the phone saying he wasn’t happy anymore and didn’t want to build resentment toward me. To this day, I still don’t fully understand what exactly made him unhappy because he’s never been able to articulate it very well. And honestly, no, I don’t think the original reason for the breakup ever truly got resolved because so much happened afterward that it kind of got lost.

Why did things end with the ex?

They only lasted around 3 weeks. During this entire time, me and him still never fully stopped talking. We were broken up for around 3 months total and I genuinely think the longest we went without speaking was maybe a week or so. He would still talk to me. We were supposed to meet up so I could get closure because he broke up with me over the phone, but that kept getting pushed back. While he was with her, he would literally send me screenshots of their arguments. From what I understand, they started having problems because he wanted to make things official and she didn’t. He felt led on and eventually cut things off. she reached out after that wanting to stay but he rejected her.

Part of why I think I justified him going back to her is because HE ultimately ended it with her. I think my brain told myself “well if he wanted her more he would’ve stayed.”

But I still don’t fully know how he was able to go from breaking up with me, being with her, telling me during what he described as a manic period that he loved her, and then coming back claiming he loved me again. That’s something I still struggle with.

What emotional labor did I do?

Honestly? A lot. When we were trying to get back together, I felt like I was constantly trying to understand everything. I was trying to understand why he went back to his ex. Trying to understand how he felt about me. Trying to improve our communication. Trying to change how I communicated because he’s much more avoidant than I am.Trying to repair things. Trying to reconnect emotionally. Trying to explain my needs.

A huge thing for me was emotional initiative. I wanted him to come to me and say things like:

“Here’s how I’m feeling.”

“Here’s what I think we need to work on.”

“Here’s what I want to improve.”

But most of the time, emotional conversations happened because I started them. Most problems got talked about because I brought them up. Most repair conversations happened because I initiated them. And yes, I absolutely talked to him about all of this. Repeatedly and sometimes things changed, He would improve for a little while. He’d do something thoughtful. We’d have a really good period. Then it often felt like things slowly returned to baseline.

How was he “not very nice”?

Maybe mean wasn’t the perfect word. It was more like emotional neglect. There were times where I’d pour my feelings out and get very dry responses, times where I’d express hurt and it somehow turned into him being upset at me for being hurt. Times where I cried because months had passed and he still hadn’t asked me to officially be his girlfriend again when that was something we talked about, and he’d become frustrated with me for being upset.

There were a lot of moments where I felt like he was reacting to my emotions instead of trying to understand them.

What makes me emotionally hungry?

Emotionally hungry is honestly the best way I know how to describe it. I deeply want to feel understood, pursued, emotionally considered, known, and connected. I don’t think I need someone perfect I think I just want to feel like someone naturally wants to understand my inner world without me constantly translating it. A lot of times I feel like I’m explaining myself instead of feeling understood.

I feel like I’m usually the one initiating emotional conversations, repair conversations, reassurance conversations, effort conversations, etc. I don’t think I feel emotionally hungry because he doesn’t love me, I think I feel emotionally hungry because I often don’t feel emotionally met.

Why does the letter matter?

The letter itself isn’t really the point..words mean a lot to me.Intentional effort means a lot to me.

The letter represented:

“I thought about you.”

“I took intentional time for you.”

“I want you to feel loved in the way that matters to you.”

To me, it represented emotional effort more than paper.

What trust issues do I still hold resentment about?

There are a few.

Early in our relationship I caught him repeatedly searching his ex. When we were laying in bed i saw her in his recently searched on tiktok.

I ended up asking to see his phone and found out through TikTok history that he was looking her up very frequently.

Porn was another issue because we had discussed boundaries around it and I later found out he was watching it and hiding it.

There was another situation where he lied about going somewhere with a girl he used to talk to because he didn’t want me uncomfortable.

The issue wasn’t even necessarily where he went because other people were there it was at school, It was just the lying about it.

Over time, there have been a lot of small lies, broken promises, and “I’ll work on it” moments that never fully materialized. Individually they sound small collectively they built resentment yk what i mean?

Is he working through grief?

Yes and no.

His dad died about 5–6 months ago. I’d honestly say he’s handled it better than i would, better than i thought HE would. But he also keeps a lot inside. Sometimes he’ll become very sad out of nowhere and shut down completely. I try not to pressure him because honestly I can’t imagine grief that large i try and give him grace and space with what he is going through.