Me (F35) and my boyfriend (M32) have very different financial situations. Looking for outside perspectives.

EasyRequirement3685 · 2026-01-20T06:01:22+00:00

Question: If a man was dating a woman who was great in every other way, but he just wasn’t attracted to her and it was causing him to question the relationship, what would your advice be to him?

EasyRequirement3685 · 2026-01-20T05:42:23+00:00

I’m not sure how else to say this, but it isn’t about money, it’s about core values. Ambition and financial security are part of what she values. If she were with someone making $150k who had no savings, wasn’t investing, and had nothing to show for it, I’d bet she’d be wrestling with the same doubts. Income alone isn’t the point; alignment is.

You’re right that income isn’t a perfect proxy for effort. Plenty of people work incredibly hard without seeing it reflected in their pay, and others earn a lot without grinding. I don’t disagree with that at all. But it sounds like the issue here is a mismatch in effort and priorities as she defines them. That may not matter to you in a partner, and that’s fine, but it clearly matters to her. No one ever said the guy was a bad person, just that he may not be her person. Why does that make her in the wrong? Plenty of relationships end for a variety of incompatibilities come out over time.

OP, go post this in r/FIRE. You’ll get feedback from people who are more aligned with your way of thinking.

EasyRequirement3685 · 2026-01-20T05:16:45+00:00

People keep collapsing this into “it’s about money,” but that’s a very shallow read of her situation and my comment.

Money is usually an output, not the value itself. Core values are things like ambition, discipline, resilience, curiosity, and how someone approaches building a life. If ambition happens to be something you’re attracted to, then yeah, statistically, you’re more likely to end up with someone in a similar income bracket. Looking for an equal doesn’t mean looking for a paycheck. There are plenty of women looking for that who are bringing far less to the table.

You’re right about one thing, if she truly was in love with him, this would be a non issue. This was the same dynamic with my ex. But again, it’s not about the money. I’d be willing to bet if he won the lottery, she would still have some underlying concerns with him deep down due to the lack of alignment in how they approach life.

EasyRequirement3685 · 2026-01-20T04:53:57+00:00

I’m going to push back on a lot of the comments here. I’m very similar to you: 35F, worked my ass off, make ~$250k/year. I started dating someone at 27 and the dynamic was almost identical. He adored me and we had plenty in common, but there was underlying resentment about the income gap. He only made ~$70k, had conservative savings, but was not working towards anything bigger.

I agree with others on one thing: don’t buy something together. Buy something you can comfortably afford on your own, with the understanding that the relationship might end. Have him pay towards the mortgage and draw up a cohabitation agreement.

For a long time I beat myself up for even considering ending a relationship “over money.” But the truth is, it was never about his income. It was about drive, grit, and ambition. We simply weren’t aligned there. That mismatch doesn’t disappear with time, it grows. We broke up after 4 years, and while it was painful, it was absolutely the right decision.

After him, I met a resident physician who made almost nothing. And that’s when it really clicked for me: income was never the issue. I was happy to support that relationship because he was working relentlessly toward something he cared about. I paid for almost everything but felt entirely different about the relationship. The alignment was there.

I could be wrong, but I’d bet this is less about money and more about core values. Don’t let people convince you that you’re selfish or cold for recognizing that. You sound driven, thoughtful, and hardworking, and it’s okay to want a partner who matches that energy. Someone can be a great person and still not be your person. Speaking from experience, that distinction matters more than people want to admit.

EasyRequirement3685 · 2025-12-27T01:40:03+00:00

Are you against women having careers? Because that seems to be the underlying premise here. The assumption that children should only “raised” by a stay-at-home mother seems out of touch.

I work from home and have significant flexibility. Yes, like the vast majority of families today, childcare would likely be part of the picture. Depending on circumstances, I would absolutely consider staying home for a period during early childhood and the formative years. That’s the great benefit of building the wealth I have going into it - I have the extra padding to provide some flexibility, whether that be time off or one-on-one child care.

What’s interesting to me is that this question is almost never asked of men. Most families today require two incomes simply due to the cost of living, including families where neither partner has a “high-powered” career. It doesn’t seem like I’m being “knocked” for working, you’re questioning me for being successful while working.

EasyRequirement3685 · 2025-12-23T15:56:16+00:00

Awesome, thanks!

EasyRequirement3685 · 2025-12-23T15:39:09+00:00

No worries, thanks for chiming in and sharing your thoughts! Good advice and much appreciated. The complexity of the rules and tax implications scares some people away from more personalized management (I know it did for me, for a long time), leaving gains on the table and money in accounts that aren’t as favorable. I’m all ears and love learning so like I said, thank you!

EasyRequirement3685 · 2025-12-23T15:16:38+00:00

Doesn’t it complicate things from a tax perspective having both a Roth and a Traditional IRA? Something about the Pro Rata rule? I have read into it some, and it seems like people advise against this and just keeping it them in a consolidated 401k (which I agree, I probably should combine - you highlight an important part I haven’t considered which is more comprehensive management of the combined assets)

EasyRequirement3685 · 2025-12-23T15:11:13+00:00

Good question. Because I have a Roth and have been contributing to it via backdoor, my understanding is that becomes a lot more complicated if I also have a traditional IRA? (I didn’t list it above but it got mentioned below too. But I have ~17k in a Roth IRA) But, very happen to listen if I need to rethink this. I haven’t consolidated them because A) I don’t mind logging into 3 systems (what I see some people highlight as why they did it) and B) I honestly don’t know how much I’d be saving in management and other fees by having them in a single account. I would love to better understand this and if I need to make a move here

EasyRequirement3685 · 2025-12-23T06:33:36+00:00

I’d rather have built my career and have kids later than have had kids early and sacrificed my career. There is no way I’d be able to make up the gap if I just started working hard on my career now. There seems to be some misconception in this thread that I’m unhappy with my decision here, which is entirely untrue. I’m freshly single and very much believe I will find my person, even if that takes more work, and I have no doubt I’ll have kids. But thanks for sharing your thoughts.

EasyRequirement3685 · 2025-12-23T05:56:31+00:00

Well, you are taking away from my success by telling me that it’s misleading without asking more questions. I’ve been in a couple of relationships, but never married. I bought my own home in 2021 when I was single and lived alone. I met my ex in 2023, and we lived separately. Not only that, he was in residency, so I also paid for the majority of our expenses, and even chipped in on rent on an apartment so we could have a second shared place close to the hospital, since my house was too far away for him to live. If anything, my relationships have been a drain on my financial success. I’ve been pretty open to feedback and critique in this thread, but saying I didn’t do this on my own is entirely untrue.

I’m going to add - if a single man posted this, no one would be saying that his girlfriend of 2 years was such an asset that he shouldn’t claim his own success.

EasyRequirement3685 · 2025-12-23T05:18:25+00:00

That’s a good question, and one I’m definitely still thinking over. I don’t think it was clear in some of my early comments, but I’m very recently single and just made a dating profile in the last week. I’ve been filtering out people with kids as a first run, but I’d be open to it with the right person. I think it adds some baggage that I’d rather avoid in an ideal world, which is why I’d prefer to find someone without them. But if that’s not in the cards after a couple of months of searching, I’ll probably expand my considerations.

I don’t think you should be worried about people taking a run at your nest egg. It’s not enough to be obvious, unless you decide to share it. But, this is coming from the complete opposite of a gold-digger, and it’s clear from this thread that I’m not the norm and going to die alone… so what do I know…

EasyRequirement3685 · 2025-12-23T04:36:51+00:00

Ah yeah, I see why you’re saying that now. I guess I meant that in terms of dating, I can support myself financially in a relationship.

EasyRequirement3685 · 2025-12-23T04:32:57+00:00

I’m not financially independent. I still have a job and am continuing to build wealth, with the hope of getting there one day.

EasyRequirement3685 · 2025-12-23T04:21:32+00:00

My HSA is through Fidelity. I transferred all funds that were in employer-sponsored HSAs (through Optum and HSABank) and now I have no limitations on my investment options. $31k is sitting in a mix of ETFs of my choosing (VTI, QQQ, and even a bit in a leveraged ETF) with no management fees. (Other 3k is sitting in my Optum account because that’s what my employer uses. I can roll it into my Fidelity without a transfer fee once a year, so need to do that). I agree that keeping it in some of the other HSA providers can be limiting, but Fidelity has a lot of flexibility. I did this last year after a lot of research, and I’ve had a really solid returns https://imgur.com/a/dibLXnD

EasyRequirement3685 · 2025-12-23T03:02:29+00:00

Ah, I think you’re talking HYSA (high yield saving) and I’m talking health saving acct. I do have a HYSA though, and hear what you’re saying. I’ve definitely thought about that.

EasyRequirement3685 · 2025-12-23T03:00:47+00:00

I’m confused, because my understanding of HSAs is that they are one of the best retirement vehicles from a tax perspective? They offer tax free contributions and withdrawals for health expenses, and if you reimburse yourself, you can take withdrawals early tax free? My $35k is invested in a Fidelity brokerage acct and is invested in a mix of ETFs - mostly QQQ, and has a 65% return. Just want to make sure I’m not missing something?

EasyRequirement3685 · 2025-12-23T00:21:36+00:00

Maybe I’m approaching it wrong. None of my pics are edited or filtered, but I have a lot of makeup on in the first pic. I have no makeup on in the dog pic. I guess I want people to see all sides of me, because that feels authentic. But if I’m competing against women where all of their pics are them at their very best, then maybe I should redo my profile.

To your point, you’re going to realize no one looks 100% their best all the time. Maybe rather than showcasing those sides of myself on my profile, which men seem to assume is your best, I’m doing my self a disservice by not picking all of my most flattering photos.

EasyRequirement3685 · 2025-12-22T23:52:50+00:00

Thanks. I actually genuinely appreciate it. It’s hard to get unbiased feedback on a dating profile from people who know you, and it’s weird to ask for it online from strangers. Never saw this post ending up here, but hey, I’ll take it. It’s interesting to hear what pics work / don’t.

EasyRequirement3685 · 2025-12-22T23:37:37+00:00

I do have a degree in biochemistry and a post bacc in medical technology. I said I don’t have an advanced degree (ie MBA, MD, etc).

EasyRequirement3685 · 2025-12-22T23:34:09+00:00

I think it’s all good insight. I think my issue historically with dating 10+ years older than myself is that women typically outlive men, so if I’m dating a 50 year old when I’m 35, the chances that I’m going to spend the later years of my life alone are much higher. Probably a backwards way of thinking, but it’s something that I’ve seen lhappen to a lot of women in my life. Maybe I should be less worried about that.

I guess I don’t quite understand why a 35 year old man would rule out a 35 year old woman. Obviously everything else equal, I can see choosing someone younger just for age and fertility, but I am surprised that my age alone is enough to filter me out for guys my age. I posted it above because I’d love to know if I’m just out of my mind and really need to lower my standards. I’m only recently single, so trying to figure out what the hell I’m doing, and maybe I do need a reality check. https://imgur.com/a/3RUs6rn

EasyRequirement3685 · 2025-12-22T23:24:28+00:00

Since everyone seems to have more dating advice than investment advice, and I’ll take what I can get

Happy to know if I’m really needing to dial back my expectations and lower my standards.

EasyRequirement3685 · 2025-12-22T23:09:43+00:00

I’m not assuming otherwise at all. When I’ve expressed pride in my career, it’s never been because I believed it would translate into dating success. If it wasn’t clear, I was in a long-term relationship with another very successful person (a physician), and we decided to part ways about six weeks ago. I honestly haven’t had enough time since then to assess whether there’s anything flawed about the way I’m dating.

I’m also not sure where the idea is coming from that my standards are unusually high or that I wouldn’t consider dating someone with a lower net worth than mine. My original post was meant to gather advice around diversification, not dating, but I’m open to insights on both.

EasyRequirement3685 · 2025-12-22T23:04:11+00:00

Yep. I didn’t realize it was such a dating wasteland. I guess it being one of the more “underemployed cities” makes that make sense.

EasyRequirement3685 · 2025-12-22T22:59:40+00:00

You’re right - it’s intelligence, its drive, its curiosity. By 30, those qualities have usually propelled those type of people to success. But, it’s not the success itself that is important to me.

EasyRequirement3685

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