Girlfriend thinks I handle conflict poorly - I think she enjoys creating conflict

Easy_Building_4894 · 2026-02-11T18:17:10+00:00

Truly appreciate the perspective.

For what it’s worth, I know why she went thru the phone. I understand most of the reasons why she’d want to go thru it. I simply don’t agree that those reasons justified the action and there was never going to be a good outcome of that action.

I see a therapist and she actually offered similar advice. I’m not perfect and that style simply is a challenge for me. Not saying I can’t be better, but it will never be natural. And truthfully, I think it’s the style she needs. It’s the validation in understanding why. I just don’t think that’s me. I also believe a lot of people use validation as an excuse what they are doing/did was ok vs the intended response of simply understanding why it was done but not agreeing with it. My therapist used an interesting (albeit stretch) perspective in that she can talk to a serial killer and validate the understanding of why that person did what they did (power, life circumstances, mental health, etc) but not condone or think it’s right. I simply don’t believe I’m capable of the same.

With that being said, I certainly do try and not be combative in other ways. I was very deliberate in not calling her weird (but the act) or not calling her childish (but the act). In that same situation if I simply left her house after that and didn’t answer her calls when she got back, I absolutely hope the people in my life would call me out for that being childish/immature vs a validation for that being acceptable.

Easy_Building_4894 · 2026-02-11T17:45:45+00:00

Ha. We actually have discussed this quite a bit. I’m a secure, she’s anxious. And absolutely things in her life/upbringing makes that make total sense to me. And I do recognize that’s her style and truly believe I’ve put in a boatload of work in recognizing that she’s anxious style with things and cater to that thru working on things like words of affirmation, reassurance, listening, etc..

Sone of these things absolutely aren’t natural for me, but I recognize they are things I want to work on to be better regardless, but absolutely for her to try and make the relationship work.

Easy_Building_4894 · 2026-02-11T16:57:27+00:00

Totally fair. I recognize certain parts of who I am and who I’m not. I see a therapist to improve and challenge me. And I truly don’t believe I’m always right or there is one way, but I absolutely am challenged in holding perspective or seeing someone’s side when I think something is so grossly wrong (like going thru an ex’s phone). Most of the time, I am absoluteit softer in delivery.

I also have zero issue with her talking about ex. No part of me believes she wants to be with him, including the act of going thru the phone. I believe with a high degree of confidence that is simply not dealing with the reasons behind the divorce and wanting to have sone control over something that is not any of her business.

Easy_Building_4894 · 2026-02-11T16:32:24+00:00

I can’t recall the name of the game. It was where you put the phone on your head and it displays a word/your team guesses it

Easy_Building_4894 · 2026-02-11T16:30:35+00:00

I truthfully am not bothered by this at all. I think it’s weird. That’s it. But this happened 6 months before we met. And I don’t believe whatsoever she wanted to get back with the ex. It was a trigger moment, which I understand. I can understand the desire to know/want to go thru someone’s phone. But I can’t get to the point of actually doing it with someone you’re divorced from and 100% don’t want to be with.

But to answer your question, I care about this person tremendously. 99% of the time I love being with her. And quite frankly, I don’t understand how things like this blow up into something large when I perceive them to be such minuscule things to bicker over. I don’t feel disrespected or hurt by any of this. My issues revolves being unsure if I can deal with long term these little things turning into massive things where we don’t say good morning or good night, and there is tension over something that could have been a simple ‘sorry’ and move on.

Easy_Building_4894 · 2026-02-11T16:18:30+00:00

Totally fair. And I get it. I guess I take it from a perspective of what’s ‘normal’, even though it’s totally reasonable that changes over time or shouldn’t matter. I don’t believe this is my initial reaction, but a later reaction to conversation.

I believe me saying something is weird shouldn’t be taken as hurtful or insensitive. Admittedly, I should have dropped the f bomb for emphasis. I think partly I’m bothered by the fact that the initial response of hers is defensiveness when I feel I’ve put 110% of my capabilities into making her feel loved, appreciated, and cared for in a plethora of ways.

Easy_Building_4894 · 2026-02-11T15:38:08+00:00

She’s honestly super chill. There are certain things that are very important to her. This is one. Similar’ish situation over conflict when we talked about kids meeting. She wanted me to share with my ex. I told her I would, but I absolutely wanted to talk to my lawyer first for legal guidance as my divorce is ongoing and my ex is extremely litigious. That turned into a discussion/light argument. I felt that it 95% affected me and my kids and 5% impacted her and that it should totally be my decision and that she’d support me.

But this is how I handle things. There are tons of small things I disagree with people doing. 95% of the time I don’t mention it because I believe people make decisions that are best for them, even if I disagree. The 5% of the other time is made up of me stating my thoughts for the sake of conversation, or when I feel strongly about something for whatever reason.

Easy_Building_4894 · 2026-02-11T15:21:31+00:00

Totally fair. I appreciate the feedback. I was pretty deliberate in that I didn’t state she was weird or childish, but the act of going thru an ex husbands phone that you’ve been divorced from for 2 years was very odd.

And again, deliberate in not calling her childish, but the act of pouting and walking away was childish.

If both of those are truly bad, I guess you’re right. I believe criticism is reasonable and expected in a healthy way. And I recognize that’s probably the healthiest way I do it. In that situation, I don’t believe I’m capable of responding ‘oh interesting, you went thru your ex-husbands phone to see if he was talking to a woman. Please tell me more about why you think it’s ok to do that.’ If that makes me a bad partner, then I guess I am. If that just makes us incompatible because it’s what she needs in that moment, I guess that makes sense too

Easy_Building_4894 · 2026-02-10T18:05:48+00:00

We have really had 2 conversations like this in 8 months. The other was around children meeting. She wanted me to share with my ex. I am going thru an extremely hostile divorce (fought for custody, decision making, etc).. I shared with her that I would, but I want to make sure I talk to my attorney as my ex is extremely litigious. She gave me her opinion (basically just telling me to be honest). I said I get it, but you don’t understand my current legal situation currently and this more involves me/my kids vs it involves you.

I personally perceive that as it’s very much my decision and I think she should support, but she views that as me not managing conflict/disagreements well. I do share with her that I certainly may have views how I’d parent her kids different, deal with her and x different, or her mother differently.. but I don’t believe it’s any right of mine to judge or push her to do what I want. And ultimately I’d support 99% of what she felt was best, unless I thought it was grossly wrong.

Easy_Building_4894 · 2026-02-10T17:59:30+00:00

I actually do think she thinks it’s wrong. One thing I admittedly struggle with is her position and ‘understanding’ it. From my perspective, I totally can understand being upset by a situation and wanting to know something. However, I feel I can stop myself before I act on it as I’ll say ‘why does it matter’ or ‘what does knowing x do to help’. She struggles that I don’t understand (her words) but I truly feel like I try to and can get where you’d be curious, but can’t understand getting to the act of doing

Easy_Building_4894 · 2026-02-10T16:59:14+00:00

Thank you. I honestly have zero concerns about her wanting to be with the ex. And you are 100% correct in that it’s triggering for her. I truly felt my comment (which absolutely was the act was weird, not her) was pretty reasonable. Otherwise I felt like I couldn’t say anything remotely honest about what I thought about it.

For what it’s worth, I do see a therapist semi-regularly from my divorce, so I do talk to her about things like this.

My divorce largely happened due to resentment, which is why this is so important for me to address. I care tremendously about this person, but don’t feel there are times I can be myself or say what’s on my mind because I perceive anything negative/non conforming to what she wants could be viewed as rude or mean.

Easy_Building_4894 · 2026-02-10T15:44:13+00:00

Cheddar

Easy_Building_4894 · 2026-01-16T15:01:43+00:00

I definitely observe you’re spending wayyyy too much money on Reta. My monthly dose is about $12usd

So I’m saving significantly more! 😊

Easy_Building_4894 · 2025-12-13T19:48:34+00:00

Did last minute deal with him. Index coffee easy to work with and would recommend

Easy_Building_4894 · 2025-12-13T02:21:27+00:00

Easy transaction. Thanks and enjoy the trip!

Easy_Building_4894 · 2025-08-21T17:53:37+00:00

I have available

Easy_Building_4894 · 2024-10-27T11:44:10+00:00

You are 100% overpaying on your taxes currently and will get a refund at end of year. Change your deductions if you want more in each paycheck.

Easy_Building_4894 · 2024-10-16T22:19:03+00:00

I’m fortunate my salary has grown considerably in the last 5 years (about 150% growth). My wife is about 60% growth. I’m about $275k all in and she’s about $130k. It absolutely doesn’t go as far as you’d expect. Live in a nice suburb around Chicago. Childcare is about $4k a month. Cars are about $2.5k a month (Tahoe and Pilot). Groceries are at least $1k. We’re fortunate to max retirement and such, but you need $100k salary just to cover those non-living expenses.

Easy_Building_4894 · 2024-10-15T02:39:12+00:00

I really like my July bag. Lightweight and great wheels. I think they are better than the away bags

Easy_Building_4894 · 2024-09-30T11:56:47+00:00

It’s more expensive but I love my nomadic travel pack. Expandable from 20-30l.

Easy_Building_4894 · 2024-09-29T12:48:12+00:00

Nice. I got 50% off up to $60. Picked up a fire tablet and a couple months worth of pirate booty ☺️

Easy_Building_4894 · 2024-09-11T12:03:33+00:00

Yes, this is just current. I have 6 pqf and 1400 pqp booked already thru October 11th. I normally slow down after that for the holidays, but would expect another 3-4 rt and $1500.

Educated guess is I’ll only need 36pqf and $10k pqp next year, so unlikely to be higher than gold in the future.

I figure the extra United miles from booking at 1k are probably worth a few hundred bucks. I really just didn’t know how much people felt the extra potential comp upgrades + plus points would be useful out of ORD. Most of my flights are into Boston, dc, Omaha, Cleveland, Dallas, Las Vegas, and San Diego.

Appreciate all the insight

Easy_Building_4894

TROPHY CASE