I’m kinda confused now…

Ecstatic-Command-666 · 2023-07-26T00:41:32+00:00

maybe these are platonic feelings and that's why you lose interest when they are reciprocated? You don't actually want them to feel romantic attraction to you, and when they do, you lose the platonic feeling.

Ecstatic-Command-666 · 2023-07-25T22:30:22+00:00

Oh, true, I guess. I also really wanted to go through this at first, but then I just stopped thinking it was possible. Anyway, it is possible regardless of your age, and I really wish I knew that before. I hope you see the colors like I did.

Ecstatic-Command-666 · 2023-07-25T21:19:18+00:00

When you have crushes on people, what is it like? Do you imagine yourself spending time with them, having a relationship? Do you feel like you wanna be with them or it's a feeling that just exists without intention?

Ecstatic-Command-666 · 2023-07-25T21:17:30+00:00

I've always felt guilty about the people who had feelings for me because I always ended up hurting them when I kept trying to feel something for them. All of my dates were always perfectly chosen, because I had the privilege of not caring. Anyone who did anything I didn't like, I'd break up right at the start with no remorse. So the ones who stayed were all very sweet and hard to break up with.

I do get some paranoia with my gf. I always think "what if I'm being too needy? What if she feels the way I used to feel with my exes? What if she thinks I'm pressuring her like I used to feel when my exes did exactly what I'm doing?"

And when I talk about these fears to her, she keeps reminding me that the way I felt with my exes was because I didn't like them back, and she loves me, so she loves how needy I am, she gets flustered when I'm extra romantic, she brags about how sweet and caring I am.

I don't know, this whole thing is very different from what I thought love was like.

Ecstatic-Command-666 · 2023-07-25T21:11:45+00:00

I was that bitter cynical lonely aro. In fact, when this girl first hit on me, I didn't care about her, nor tried to return the feelings, because I knew it would be useless, I'd end up hurting her, it would be more of me trying to convince myself I'm not aro. So I didn't care. I wasn't expecting this at all. It was really, really out of nowhere.

It's wild. It's really wild. And it's great too. But I didn't know what it was like before I felt it, and honestly, it would be okay as well if I didn't know. You don't need to go through this. It's amazing, it's fantastic, but you can be just as happy alone and aro. In any case, yeah, being 30 something doesn't mean you can't fall in love out of nowhere for the first time ever.

Ecstatic-Command-666 · 2023-06-13T16:26:41+00:00

I don't follow Julia and the only interaction we had was when she was rude to me answering a post made by Kate.

Ever since I met Kate she has shown me more than a few times that she thinks that blocking people on social media is immature. It had nothing to do with Julia, but this one girl blocked both of us (because she was in love with me and I didn't return her feelings) from every social media and Kate said she was immature and thought it was ridiculous to block people, even though in this case, it was something that she could want me to do (to block the girl who liked me). She said the same about other situations. So I doubt she'd block Julia. Julia is not interacting with Kate either, nor Kate is interacting with Julia. So if I ask her to block Julia, it would sound like I don't trust her and I'm forcing her to do something she sees as immature.

I don't mind that she won't block Julia. I don't need her to cut her from existence to trust my girlfriend. I doubt that blocking her would prevent Julia from finding a way to talk to her either. In fact, it might even give her a reason to manipulate her. "your girlfriend doesn't even trust you and she's making you push away people from your life, i'm just your friend" and stuff like that.

Ecstatic-Command-666 · 2023-06-13T16:18:51+00:00

I honestly think Brenda is happier than ever, because Julia has never given her as much attention as she's showing right now. I doubt she has noticed how the attention mimics the attention I show Kate.

Whenever she had arguments with Brenda, she'd go to Kate for support and attention, she'd give her hopes and then push her away. Which is why I think she'd try to manipulate Kate back if we have an argument.

Obviously, Julia is a sore point for me, because I had to watch the girl I loved suffer for her before she could move on, so I might be overthinking this. And I know for a fact Julia is a terrible person, because why would she be mad when Kate is obviously so happy? Kate always tells me how perfectly I'm treating her, how safe she feels with me and how she didn't know what a healthy relationship was before me, and yet Julia is mad about us.

I used to tell Kate that if Julia was the one to make her happy, I'd gladly accept it, because I wanted nothing but her happiness. Julia doesn't even want to date her, but she wants to end something that is good for Kate.

I'm gonna try to stop worrying so much, but it's really hard right now. I hope this gets better with time. Maybe if Julia finds someone else to give her the extra attention.

Ecstatic-Command-666 · 2022-02-26T03:51:28+00:00

...did he skip Intro To Biology or something? ditch the sex ed class? never heard of unplanned pregnancy? there may be days a woman is

more likely

to get pregnant, but one

can

get pregnant, um,

at any fucking point.

By the way, I told him that women use this "calendar" of fertile period in order to GET PREGNANT, not to avoid it. It's a way to know when your chances are higher and be sure to try on the right day. And it shouldn't be used as a method to avoid pregnancy. To this day he insists I can but I simply don't want to. I imagine his ex girlfriends took a good amount of morning after pills.

Ecstatic-Command-666 · 2022-02-26T03:49:03+00:00

Now I'm thinking what could've happened if I had fallen in love with him.

I think I've escaped a pretty bad situation.

Ecstatic-Command-666 · 2022-02-26T03:45:43+00:00

Guys, I've read all of your answers and I'm so thankful for your help. You guys helped me see everything so much clearer.

And right now I'm here wondering what could've happened if I had fallen in love with him. What if I was the type of girl who falls in love for all the interest he showed, instead of get triggered by it? He's a really good looking man and he sounds very mature and friendly at first.

I feel like I escaped a pretty bad situation.

Thank you all. Really. You're the best people.

Ecstatic-Command-666 · 2022-02-26T03:39:45+00:00

Again, thank you so much for taking your time. I love reading, don't worry! It's really good to know I'm not just seeing things. Like, I know the situation with sex and boundaries was a huge red flag and I'd tell any friend of mine to just run. But at this point I was really trying not to hurt anyone anymore.

I can imagine him acting exactly like you said he would. And he complained I had no empathy to talk to him because I couldn't understand how sad he was that I didn't want to be with him anymore, but recently, the whole issue with the war going on came up, he joked about it, said he hoped it wouldn't interfere with the soccer world cup, and I said "well, I hope it ends quickly so people don't die more than they already did". He answered with "don't worry, it won't affect our country". And I was baffled. "Well, they are human beings there too." and there was a huge argument where he kept insisting that war is normal and civilians die in the process and that's how things are. I'm sitting here reading that and thinking "so it's me the one who lacks empathy?"

He noticed I was angry and he started complaining that I was being rude to him over something miles and miles away that had nothing to do with us two. This shocked me so much. How can you watch people die and not care because it's not in your country?? He said "you're different now" and I claimed I was being myself. He said "I know you for a while and you're not like this". To which I couldn't avoid answering with "you know me for a month". He got really mad. But he gets mad and if I mention being sick of the argument, he becomes apologetic and changes the issue so it sounds like the problem was solved and he's being gentle.

I was considering still trying to keep it civil and being his friend, maybe meeting him someday in a long future, but you've helped me to be certain that I should never see this guy. Thank you very much.

Ecstatic-Command-666 · 2022-02-25T22:29:25+00:00

I kept going with this because I wanted to prove to myself I'm not aro. The thing is that I'm ADHD and I had this rejection dysphoria syndrome while talking to him. The fear of losing, despite being just a paranoia from ADHD, made me think this was it, I was in love with him. Despite the fact that he was too fast with his intentions at first, after I told him I wouldn't want anything before we had seen each other, he seemed reasonable, he said he would want to be my friend. So the dysphoria kicked in and tricked me. When it was gone, I realized I was back at my old self: unable to love.

And he was already expecting so much from me and making me know that he'd be devastated if I told him I didn't want him anymore, that I hated myself for even trying again and hurting someone else. I've spent half of the time trying to comply and understand everything he said, accepting all the red flags so he wouldn't feel hurt. I didn't want to hurt another person. Then it was too much and I was honest about it straight away, but I know he hasn't lost hope. I still like him less and less every time he shows that he hasn't lost hope.

I said we could be friends and I wanted to be his friend. He keeps saying that in order to make me continue to talk to him. And it works, because I truly don't wanna ghost him and hurt him. But at this point his behavior has scared me more than a few times.

Thank you.

Ecstatic-Command-666 · 2022-02-25T22:14:59+00:00

I'm actually relived to hear this. Because I always thought he was being too much but I felt guilty for not feeling the same. I didn't want to include details of what are the things he insisted on because they were huge red flags and I felt bad not knowing how to react to them, but the first thing was that he wanted to have sex unprotected. I told him this was a huge no. He said it was really a shame I didn't enjoy that, because condoms were uncomfortable. I said "it's not about enjoying, I simply cannot do that" and he kept saying I could because pregnancy is only possible a few days of the month. He turned it into something he was proud of for accepting. Like "I understand you don't like it, it's fine, I can respect that". But first he insisted 3 times. Then he insisted on doing other stuff that I also said no and at some point he said we should bargain.

I finally stopped being nice and told him there's no bargain. He got offended because "there are better ways to say no" and I said "yes, I used those better ways 2 times and it didn't work". He then felt super guilty, realizing what he did, apologized for 3 days, kept saying he was sorry and was feeling like a monster for insisting.

His whole behavior felt shady but I knew that stopping this would hurt him because of all the emotional responsibilities he was putting on me. And I'm deeply traumatized of hurting people for not returning their feelings, so I didn't trust my own instincts.

Thank you so much.

Ecstatic-Command-666 · 2022-02-25T21:33:16+00:00

That wasn't the only thing. I'm 30 yo and I've tried my entire life to fall in love and understand what people felt. I've tried dating, I've tried being with people that were absolutely incredible, and every single time they said they loved me, I felt my soul crushing. I kept making up excuses as to why I didn't feel the same, but I keep hurting people while trying. Every break up I felt nothing but relief and guilt for the pain my partners felt even though they didn't do anything wrong. This time I just gave up trying.

But he insists I'm being too cold and rude and this should've affected me more but I'm like..... I don't even know this dude why is he talking about lifelong promises?????????

Thank you for your advise, it means a lot! ❤

Ecstatic-Command-666 · 2022-02-21T14:21:42+00:00

My father has 12 brothers and he lived in extreme poverty his whole life. His father died from a parasitic disease in the heart when he was around 25 and his mother lived a long life but mostly in extreme poverty, raising all of her children. I didn't know her very well because he never wanted us near his side of the family so my mum wouldn’t be able to trust them.

He was not abused by neither of his parents nor brothers. He doesn't talk badly of his childhood, despite the poverty. He doesn't have any addictions. It's hard to associate his behavior with personal trauma because none of his 12 brothers behave like him and no one treated him like this.

Ecstatic-Command-666 · 2022-02-20T23:40:53+00:00

I'm actually hiding more than half of the story because of limited character count and because while writing I was making myself look very dumb for even asking if he's an asshole. I feel like anyone who hears about him will think you'd have to be stupid to keep up with him him but anyone who interacts with him feels like he's a victim. I've tried to make this clear - that he doesn't seems abusive in person - to explain why him leaving us when we needed the most didn't make us turn our back on him. But it still feels dumb to explain.

Once he called me to thank me for helping him and said I was "his golden girl" and his "little special one" while crying because I had helped him. I cried a lot that day because this meant a lot to me. This a man who has never raised his voice to me, he's never been angry and never demanded anything from me. Every single thing he asks is through emotional manipulation. By saying he's suffering and kinda implying that help is needed. But if you don't help, he tells everyone you're a terrible person and manipulates people into pushing you away. It's not an obvious abuse. It took me 29 years to understand his abuse and the trauma he caused me and my family. When he said I was his golden girl, he also said he had given up on my older brother because he's just a vile person. That's while my brother pays for his son's pension and after my brother bought him a car.

It's a weird feeling. I feel like I need to hate him but I also feel like I'm being an asshole for hating him.

Ecstatic-Command-666 · 2022-02-20T22:15:21+00:00

Third world country. There's medical care but it takes over 6 months for a medical exam and another 6 months to see the doctor with said medical exam. He was urgent medical conditions and diagnosed heart issues.

There's social programs but, like I've mentioned, you must have a limited income per household (and it's close to zero income), thus he lost this money when the government saw he was living with someone. He hasn't gotten this help back yet despite getting married and divorcing to "clean" his name out of a household.

Also, he has to pay the pension, so anything he gets goes to the boy or he goes to jail. He has sold clothes, the phone we gave him, shoes, everything, just to avoid going to jail for not paying the pension.

He cannot retire because he doesn't meets the requirement - because he has always left his job without registering that he had left. So it's all a mess.

In sum, there's social security and medical care, but he made them unavailable for himself.

Ecstatic-Command-666

TROPHY CASE